I asked for something I thought You’d never give.
You knew that if You didn’t, there’s no way I could live.
I wanted it so badly, I cried and I prayed.
I knew You wouldn’t give it until I obeyed.
So I abstained from the sin, the evils I have done.
I thought it away, and burned it under Your loving Son.
But I found no solace in that slowly emptied hole.
The darkness in my life should not play such an important role.
I ached to be pure, to receive what I asked.
I wept in my pain at failing the appointed task.
I felt as though You were forcing me to do it alone.
The loneliness eroded through blood and bone.
I struggled as I slept, hoping in my dreams.
But night after night I found nothing to believe.
I woke each morning with a lie and a scare.
I wanted what I wanted, and called You unfair.
But justice is justice, and grace is grace.
You could lay out what we deserve, but that’s not the case.
You love us in discipline, You let us learn.
And only ask we love You in return.
One twilight it came: what I asked of You.
When I woke I nearly cried thinking it wasn’t true.
I felt no peace about the matter, nor any sense of dread.
Just gratitude for what You’d taken and placed in my head.
I saw his sparkling eyes, held worn and weary hands.
Was comforted and persuaded with no demands.
He told me of the future, and what we were meant to be.
But I closed my eyes against him, thinking I couldn’t see.
In later days You told me that what I’d seen was right.
The vision would not come to me on any other night.
It had come and gone, so I held it in my mind.
With fleeting thoughts of the hope I would find.
Now I wait and I wonder why it was he.
Could the one I sought to be rid of be the one for me?
Tell me no lies, give me answers honest.
If this hallucination is my future, don’t let me forget it.