A sorrowful hello
to a person unknown
a shadow less human
is looking alone.
Why do you look familiar
when we have only just met?
a tear on your cheek
looks so lonely and wet.
You need someone
to have and to hold,
but your facial expression
is growing so old.
The scars on your arms
prove a battle with mind,
you are constantly searching
for answers that bleed past the line.
I’m hoping to know you
in days cold and black,
So that you can keep old demons
from running off of my back.
Off of my back
and into my soul,
The screaming wont stop
it's taking its toll.
Off of my back
they leap into my heart,
All patches that keep me together
are threading apart.
I plead for the sanity
of an innocent child,
Free from all memories
of being defiled.
I take a look
at the jagged edge of reason,
This stranger has taken
me over with treason.
I now realize
that I know the unknown,
This person I met
is my reflection alone.
| I like it. It seems like an outlet,wich is what most of my poems are. I like the the meaning to it but it doesn't flow verry well. Over all I like it, thoug.||| Posted on 2005-05-01 00:00:00 | by Rail | [ Reply to This ] || I think this is beautiful. It tells a part of who you are but not as a whole self. The rhyming pattern is something that usually doesn't work and usually sounds a bit elementary to me. However, it worked with this and gave it an innocence about it. I feel it's about a person who's given up almost all hope (with due reasons of course) and just feels alone with no one there to hold her and tell her that it will all be ok and that she's loved. If that person is you, I'm sorry, we all should be told we are loved at some point or another. Or maybe I am completely off? It's a definate possibility. Anyways, I think it's a beautiful piece. ~SirensSong~||| Posted on 2005-06-03 00:00:00 | by SirensSong | [ Reply to This ] || okay,|
first off you have interesting ideas in this poem. but I am not going to point out good things because you have all these people below me to do that for you. Heres what bothers me.
Why do all of your poems (in all fairness I have only read 4 so far) take an aabb pattern? It's like some of them could be sequels to others.
You do this pattern with mixed effect, sometimes coming across very cool with nice two liners, yet other times coming across very much like a forced rhyme that was jammed in there because of it's rhyming properties and not because it actually was the best thing to say at that point.
I suggest two things to you (to be taken or left at your discretion of course):
1) break away from the aabb pattern box. A great way to do this would be to revise one of these poems by just simply reading through it and whenever you got to a spot that didn't seem as interesting or significant, change it to what you really wanted to say, giving no thought to ryhme at all.
2) I suggest playing with a thesaurus a little. Look for new or unique ways to explain the various words in your poem. Some words like "monsters" or "alone: or whatever you decide might benifit from more interesting ways to say them.
thats about it for me. All advice given here meant to help not offend. whether this advice is taken or not, good luck with all you write.
|| Posted on 2005-04-16 00:00:00 | by Mister Fizzle | [ Reply to This ] || This is a very good piece..i love it. I like it because i can relate to it. It is deep and dark and everything that is so much like life. I wish that i could tell you that everything would get better..but i am afraid that you wont listen..oh well, i am going to tell you anyway..it will get better.||| Posted on 2005-04-15 00:00:00 | by longwinterdays | [ Reply to This ] || This is a wonderful piece, although like the person before me, I can't help but feel that in stanzas, it would work better. The fact is, stanzas help the reader differentiate the sections of your poetry. You know where the cut is, but we don't--it'd be easier to interpret if we had that division.|
Otherwise, it looks tre-bien. I like the metaphores and I love the flow--perhaps on some parts it seems a tad forced (the rhyming) but that can be fixed with a little revision and a thesaurus.
This is a fine piece.
|| Posted on 2005-04-15 00:00:00 | by Seiraryu | [ Reply to This ] || 'poetry begins with a lump in throat'..said frost. your poem completely proves it. Dark and deep, the flow swings from known to unknown. The feeling of not knowing oneself described in this poem and most of your poems is very depressing. Good read in a sad way.||| Posted on 2005-04-14 00:00:00 | by vedanta19 | [ Reply to This ] || oh i did absolutly love this one.you captured the mood very well,and the rythem was kept at a good pace,the rhyming sceam was very good to.i think you should put spaces inbeetween your stanzas but other then that it was very good.i would normaly tell you what part was my favorite,but i can't cuz i love em' all.keep up the writing.|
|| Posted on 2005-04-14 00:00:00 | by dreamer | [ Reply to This ] || I really enjoyed reading this because like someone else said it's not like the other teen suicide [censored] you might read here, I really liked the style you used and you put your words together in a fashion that's different, it's original. Take care, ~Candi||| Posted on 2005-04-14 00:00:00 | by Broken Angel | [ Reply to This ] || Wow, this is pretty. Don't you love how I use the word 'pretty'? Would you prefer beautiful, wonderfully written? What about 'nice' is nice a better word?|
You did a good job with this. It's not like a lot of bull[censored] I read from around this age group. Kudos.
I think 'pretty' will suffice.
someone's dying hero.
|| Posted on 2005-04-13 00:00:00 | by bloodwing | [ Reply to This ] || I don't see whats rough about it, just pure beauty. |
You need someone to have and to hold,
but your facial expression is growing so old.
The scars on your arms prove a battle with mind,
you are constantly searching for answers that bleed past the line.
Those lines right there hit me like you could not belive I really like this, and to me I see no flaws.
|| Posted on 2005-04-13 00:00:00 | by Joe Kahmann | [ Reply to This ] |