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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Neptune's Facedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Civilian
    ASL Info:    21/M/Australia
    Elite Ratio:    7.14 - 146/166/35
    Words: 141
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 1193
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 926



    Description:
       Hopefully this doesn't need too much by way of explanation- I suppose all you need to know is that Neptune was the Roman god of the seas...I've expanded that to 'god of water'. So basically this is an investigation into the nature of water.

    Any comments and pointers are appreciated.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsNeptune's Facedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Neptune, God of ocean swells and
    Water jugs- let me see your face.
    Are you fair? Is it you I glimpse
    In the lamplight, dancing in a
    Crystal nightgown by my bedside?
    Is it for you that nomads would
    Trek through the desert like zealous
    Pilgrims seeking salvation?
    And is it your kiss that sustains
    Humanity and all beyond?

    But is it your smirk I see as
    Water droplets pirouette down from
    The leaky showerhead, disturbing
    The bathroom silence with endless
    Drip-dripping? Is it your watery
    Embrace that leaves children cold and
    Lifeless? And was it your clenched fist
    That pounded Asia- reducing
    The pyre of humanity to a
    Smouldering waste on the Pacific?

    Are you fair? Who am I to say?
    But in deluge or half empty glass,
    Your face burns with liquid power.




    Submitted on 2005-04-14 00:28:26     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      greek mythology rocks so does your poem keep them coming
    | Posted on 2009-03-01 00:00:00 | by blackdemigod13 | [ Reply to This ]
      First poem about the Roman Gods I've seen on here - shame really, as this ones a delicious read. I'd agree with previous comments, second verse is best, but the alternative subject makes it all interesting.

    On two unrelated notes - Firstly, great name, and second I read on your blog you're a Dylan fan. Check out my short story 'The Devil and Dylan', hopefully its your kinda thing, tell me what you think.
    | Posted on 2005-05-25 00:00:00 | by Von Django | [ Reply to This ]
      But is it your smirk I see as
    Water droplets pirouette down from
    The leaky showerhead, disturbing
    The bathroom silence with endless
    Drip-dripping? Is it your watery
    Embrace that leaves children cold and
    Lifeless? And was it your clenched fist
    That pounded Asia- reducing
    The pyre of humanity to a
    Smouldering waste on the Pacific?



    i liked this one the best. how you described a child drowding... Is it your watery
    Embrace that leaves children cold and
    Lifeless? .. i felt was very powerful.


    But is it your smirk I see as
    Water droplets pirouette down from
    The leaky showerhead, disturbing
    The bathroom silence with endless
    Drip-dripping?

    this one i really liked because now everytime you see your shower dripping you will think about it. Your imaginary is great. it brought this god so close to home
    i loved it- great job-
    joy
    | Posted on 2005-05-24 00:00:00 | by joy7542 | [ Reply to This ]
      sorry i accidently pushed enter too early.

    i also meant to say: A good, tidy piece. Well done.
    It wont let me submit something that short so I will also say this:...Good write
    | Posted on 2005-04-18 00:00:00 | by HaAtzmah | [ Reply to This ]
      This was cool. Out of the ordinary. It wasn't about love or pain or death and i like that. Well done for writing about something that most wouldn't. It shows an ability to think beyond the mundane and just what you're presented with.

    You haven't attempted to be too clever here, which is good. The point is simple without being simplified or petty. You have chosen good words that suit your purpose.
    | Posted on 2005-04-18 00:00:00 | by HaAtzmah | [ Reply to This ]
      The second verse is the strongest:

    But is it your smirk I see as
    Water droplets pirouette down from
    The leaky showerhead, disturbing
    The bathroom silence with endless
    Drip-dripping? Is it your watery
    Embrace that leaves children cold and
    Lifeless? And was it your clenched fist
    That pounded Asia- reducing
    The pyre of humanity to a
    Smouldering waste on the Pacific?

    Especailly, the 'leaky showerhead, disturbing
    The bathroom' because this is grounded in the every day. By all means use mythology but make sure that you use less poetic language, especailly the:

    Crystal nightgown

    is a little clichéd - crystal is a word better avoided. Still, on balance, this a beautiful poem.
    | Posted on 2005-04-14 00:00:00 | by Speacenik | [ Reply to This ]


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