[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Thunder's Whipdots

    Author: Seiraryu
    ASL Info:    21; Male; BA, Argentina
    Elite Ratio:    5.31 - 110/73/22
    Words: 780
    Class/Type: Story/Passion
    Total Views: 882
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 5973

       A story of quickened passion and bloody love.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThunder's Whipdots

           "What is it?" he growled, his voice cutting through the dense mist of the late winter's eve.  She closed her eyes, silently denying his request before the word slipped through her sibilant lips.
           At this, he thundered.  "Tell me!"  The command, although for a moment seeming to be decisive, quickly diminished to become a precarious request: "...please?"
           The word she'd just spoken echoed in her head as she took a deep breath of the fog.  "No. Last time..."  She paused, the memory cursing her again with its abyssal sting.  "Last time you got pissed."
           He wanted to scream at her, so he did.  "I won’t get mad this time!"  The lightning that scorched the night sky matching the contradiction of tone and meaning in his voice; it mirrored his seething ire.
           Chaotic now, she looked upon him in kind.  He wanted screaming?  Fine!  "I don't believe you," she spit, angry and spiteful.  "You always say that!  Then I have to make excuses when they ask..." her face flushed red and violet, more from the stinging lash of his fingers as he violently wiped her face from those words, than the re-lived embarrassment of what she'd had to make excuses for.  He had the nails of a guitarist, long and sharp.
           He looked at her silently for a while; the wind was the only speaker, howling out the words they wanted to say in its ephemeral tongue.  He licked his lips.  "I said... I won't get mad.  Now tell me."  His voice was harsh, it cut like the wind, the softness she'd come to adore gone.  Long gone.
           "No," she offered again the decisive and fatalistic word.  Through a cascade of tears, still no.
           He ran a rough hand through his wet hair.  "Berenice... spill it."  His eyes narrowed their gaze as his hand clenched his hair like it always did when he was becoming irate.
           Enough!  This was not what she wanted.  One thing was to be handcuffed to the bed and another to have to spill her heart about things that had absolutely nothing to do with him.  "No! I will not!" she hissed.  "You'll just tell your friend and..." she cut herself off.  Fuck it.  Not worth it.  Her heels dug into the moistening ground as she spun around to leave.
           His hand pulled her back by the hair.  "Stay!"
           "Mike, let me go..."  Ferocity lingered behind the whimpering tone in her voice.
           He pulled harder, ignoring her words and dipping his hand into his pocket.  "I said tell me!"
           "Put that thing away."  She looked at his now adorned hand and tried to take a step back, wrenching her mane painfully from his fingers.  The metal in his hand shined silently.  His fingers curled at her words, she could tell.
           "Tell me.  Just tell me and I'll put it away."  His hand wrapped around the metal tighter, eyes blazing.  Then the rain started, pelting his face as if to stop him.  He raised his eyes to look at her.  They narrowed again and his fingers pressed their tips firmly against the metallic object.
           Her voice was a bitter cold that cut into him harder than the frore wind and rain. "And if I don't?"  She raised an eyebrow, expecting an immediate answer.  "You gonna use it or something?  Huh?" she taunted.  Her tone held a nervous valor.  Mike turned around, taking a step away from her.  He rubbed his temple softly and sighed under the harsh beating of the rain and wind.  "Heh, yeah, that's right," she continued, almost braver if it weren't for the terror in her eyes.  "I knew you didn't have the balls."  She almost chuckled at that one.
           Thunder roared and so did he, it blasted through the fog and widened her eyes instantly with the intensity of its appearance.  "Is this what you wanted, baby?!" his voice boomed sibilantly in her ear, barely a whispered call to insanity.  She listened... but heard nothing.
           Cold.  The frore wind curled over the hill as Mike looked down; and metal clang at the ground when his fingers relaxed.  "You asked for it," his voice bled as the wind picked up velocity.  There she was, lying in a puddle of her own wine; a gaping hole in her breast.  The wind sizzled with malice.
           "You asked for it.  You know how I am.  I don't like to be taunted," he spoke to the wind, looking away from her and to the clouds that punished him with hail and howls.  Once warm, midnight-blue eyes now turned an icy, slick celestine.
           "You asked for it.  You should have told me.  It's your fault."


    Submitted on 2005-04-14 02:40:56     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      This is a scary situation for a girl :S. It reminds me a bit of an old R.L. Stine Fear Street novel, I used to love those. Although I must say, your word choice is infinitely more impressive. I love it. It took me a few read-overs to figure out that he pulled the trigger (and after that I didn't see how I could've missed it) but the wind sizzling with malice is a most excellent metaphor. Interesting how he acts at the end... repeating over and over, "You asked for it." Like he's rationalizing with himself. It leaves the end open, makes you wonder how he continued on. I really love your writing style, it's very refreshing. Good work.
    | Posted on 2005-04-25 00:00:00 | by rounin | [ Reply to This ]
      Hm... it was a well told story! But I think you repeated the words "metal" and "metallic" a bit too much. Would it be bad if you named the object? I wasn't quite sure what it was until the end, when I realized t'was a knife of some kind.

    It would be great if you maybe described the circumstances and the surroundings a bit more, like where they are. I can tell they are outdoors because of this line

    Her heels dug into the moistening ground as she spun around to leave.

    Hm, handcuffed to bed? Why does she say something about his friend? I assume he has to do with the secret she is so fervently keeping to herself.

    Also, is "wine" in the last part supposed to be a metaphor to her blood or is it actually wine? Nice way to picture it, but I was trying to figure out if they were actually standing outside somewhere and having a glass of wine.

    Wow, Mike's anger is dynamite! He's going crazy or something, hm? Nearing insanity. Poor Berenice. I would truly like to know a bit more about why this happened, where they were, and what was the secret that Berenice was keeping.

    I really loved reading it. It kept me gripped. Maybe the lack of explanation helped with that, because you went straight to the point as someone who already knew what was going on. Anyways, great work!

    | Posted on 2005-04-16 00:00:00 | by silverdrika | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]