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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Tea (revised)dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Civilian
    ASL Info:    21/M/Australia
    Elite Ratio:    7.14 - 146/166/35
    Words: 52
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1262
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 372



    Description:
       This is a rewrite of the first poem I posted on this site- as with 'The Cherry Tree' I've cut half of it and edited the rest- in this case including an extra three lines. It's now less cryptic and generally much more 'reader-friendly'. Any comments are appreciated.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTea (revised)dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Clad in its best kettle nightgown,
    the water waits for a suitor,
    always bubbling with youthful vigour.
    But listlessly, life drifts from
    liquid as it cools into
    tepid nothingness. Returning
    to find the porcelain cup
    empty and the water cold, the
    suitor smiles indifferently
    and boils the old kettle once more.




    Submitted on 2005-04-14 12:02:45     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      Ooops, I meant for it to say *the water still and</> cold*
    | Posted on 2010-07-15 00:00:00 | by Soul-Hugger | [ Reply to This ]
      I don't know why, but I hear something different as I read. The somewhat imperfect but effective rhyme is right there, just waiting. Perhaps you meant for it to tease in this way, but I see it something like this:

    Clad in its best kettle nightgown,
    the water waits for a suitor,
    always bubbling with vigour, youthful.

    Life drifts from liquid listlessly, and
    cools to tepid nothingness.

    The porcelain cup now empty;
    the water still cold, the
    suitor smiles indifferently
    and boils once more the kettle old.


    I like that this poem is about tea. With so many complicated things swirling around us these days, I think a return to the simple and common is in order. I like it when a writer is able to write about mundane things in an original, honest, or enlightening way.

    That is to say, I think you could take your idea of the kettle much further. I would be interested to know what the kettle has been through... perhaps someone turned on the burner it was sitting on... or how about the different types of tea it helps to create? There are so many kinds, all with different colours and smells and tastes!

    soul-hugger
    | Posted on 2010-07-15 00:00:00 | by Soul-Hugger | [ Reply to This ]
      I see the metaphor or analogy you're going for here. Two questions, or points. First, does the water "simmer" into tepid nothingness? Simmer to me implies the heat is still on, but low. Doesn't it cool to tepid (neither hot nor cold?) nothingness?
    And at beginning you mention the water waits for a suitor, and at the end you inject the anonymous "he". I'm wondering if referring again to the suitor wouldn't be more powerful?

    But I think you've done a good job with your depiction of the event. Perhaps allegory would be more precise, but it was good work regardless of the term.
    Dave
    | Posted on 2005-04-14 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]
      AAACK. I just lost the whole comment I was going to put here. Well, just gonna try again.

    I loved the way you tied the verses together by breaking up the sentences midway.

    ...
    smiles indifferently and boils
    the old kettle once more.

    It makes reading it out loud sound smooth and almost musical! Loved it. I just didn't really understand much of it. I mean, I know you are talking about water in the kettle and tea, but I'm under the impression you wanted to transmit something other than that. Like give life to those elements. Or maybe even something in between the lines. I had a bit of a trouble picturing it in my mind, but that's probably just me, so, if it wouldn't be much of a bother, could you send me an explanation of what you meant? Haha, if there is nothing profound to it, that's fine. It's a wonderful poem to read though. I read it three times I think. Again, in spite of not understanding much, I loved it (silly, ain't i?)! Hehe...

    Good job and keep up!
    drika
    | Posted on 2005-04-14 00:00:00 | by silverdrika | [ Reply to This ]


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