Description: I recently found out that my best-friend, Ryan C., broke up with his girlfriend,VIcky. I was sad for him (considering what happened the last time they broke up) but very happy for me. But it was kind of scary since the night before I had a dream where he had told me that they broke up. :/ anyways I finally realised yesterday, "HEY! Ryan's finally single and not sad about it! IT'S MY TURN NOW!".
NOTE: he's the same guy I wrote "I need you!" for.
Ask him out already! -------------------------------------------
I love you
And you're deep in my heart
And well, so are you
Since Vicky's gone...
Who's your number two?
I've loved you since
The year after we met
Changing schools is
What I, now, regret
Our relationship's changed
Not for better, but for worse
Us, being seperated,
Does nothing but hurt
- "oh cry me a river!"
- "It stings like a bee"
Will you go to prom with me?
first off, i want to thank you for your comment on Sea of Black Dawn...now onto this piece...
i dont know of any middle school that has a prom lol..i thought that it was only high schools that had that, idk. the overall flow of the poem works great, and the form works pretty well. Longing for someone is a powerful feeling, but it can be both good and bad, you know? But anyways, it feels that you stress the feeling of longing for someone further and further as the piece goes along, which works surprisingly well.
Something really bugged me though, the last stanza...It really threw me off, which in this case is probably a bad thing. I don't like the fact that you only had the first two lines of that stanza in quotations and the last two lines did not. It kind of ruined the flow of the piece at the end. I think you really need to fix that up a bit, it can make the piece more better.
This is your piece, you can do with it what you will, but I am only giving an honest opinion. Overall this is a decent work, but the last stanza kind of ruined the beauty of the piece.
Wow someone my age. Hmm.. The poem was alright, while I was reading this, I thought this sounded like my freind Mikki. She has trouble asking guys out though, but she likes someone, but she doesn't quite know, if he notices her or not. All I wish is the best of luck for her.
You want to be second... Um I would want to be first. But in this case it may seem like you are, but you might not be. Becuase he may have thought he loved her, maybe he didn't. So in that case.. you can be number one. I hope he goes to the prom with you, best of luck. And good luck
Pretty good write Hope to read more of yours hope you read some of mine stephanie
I can only give you any real advice if it has to do with your poetry. For one, you might want to read through your grammar again, maybe clean it up. A lot of the commas ruin the flow because they introduce pauses that weren't there before, thuse crevacing the smooth transition and matching of lines. Otherwise...hmm:
[...] - "oh cry me a river!" - "It stings like a bee" Anyways...Ryan, Will you go to prom with me?[fin]
That part really irritates me, for some reason. It just seems like you tacked it on for it to rhyme, like you had to try too hard. Especially though two first lines--and why did you put them in quotes? Anyway...mostly it's the commas that bother me, since they stiffle the flow. All in all, it's a nice poem. Polish it up and I'm sure that he'd love to read it... As an aside--does he know how you feel? That might work wonders.
You're 14 and you want him to take you to the prom? Do you have a middle school prom or something? I'm a senior in highschool so my mind is kinda in the high school terms. The rhyme scheme and flow match well and it fits with the title. So... what else? I dont really comment much on the words, I like the emotion and the feeling to it. It seems like you have a really strong sense of longing. I can feel you because I've had to wait, but its not the same situation. Anyway, I think that's enough for now, I'll comment more to you in person.