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Falling


Author: Day DreaMeR
ASL Info:    19/F/somewhere
Elite Ratio:    6.23 - 853 /408 /53
Words: 157
Class/Type: Poetry /Being a Teen
Total Views: 1472
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1038



Description:


yea this is an edited write! hope its better than my last one and thanks to sandman i got a title! see if u like this better. and is the ending ok???


Falling



*I've watched you
*you used to be happy
*so happy there was a light in your eyes
*a light that made you stand out more than everyone else
*you were noticed and loved by everyone
*the truth in your life was all you knew
*had you done something wrong
*lies would be something new
*the right words always made it out of your mouth
*I've watched you grow
*happiness wasn't apart of you as much as it to be
*the light started to fade
*different things started coming fast
*you didn't find happiness very easily
*anger
*and frustration
*came to you easier than anything else
*the right thing to do was something you didn't know
*you thought no one would know
*you changed
*I'm still watching you
*the light in your eyes is now gone
*fire that burns
*sits in the place of where light used to sit
*anger has hit the inside
*taking all of you




Submitted on 2005-04-14 18:23:02     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  Brenna
This poem is so sad
I know the feeling your describing and I see it every day
That is one of the biggest reasons I like to write
The Biggest reason I write and I see you write for the same reason is to try to bring the love back into there lives they have lost
As I have said before life is to short to live it alone
We need all the love we can get
And by giving that love back to someone in need
That to me is how Life was meant to be
Together we live
Together we share

God Bless you Brenna
Your Friend
Ron
| Posted on 2005-11-17 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
  I must say it tis intresting that we have poems of the same title. But, I think you did a very good job. I loved how you used fire (I'm a pyromaniac mahahahaha...) The only complaint I have though is at the end you repeat yourself.
"the light in your eyes is now gone
fire that burns
sits in the place of where light used to sit"
What I mean is that, you shouldn't replace light with fire without putting a bit more description. They're the same basic consept (sp?). Perhaps if you said something more like "...the darkness surrounding a flickering flame of hate, now taking the spot of shining love".
Well, anyways I wasted all time and space for something irrelevent really. So, I shall end this on a happy note, good job!
| Posted on 2005-07-08 00:00:00 | by Renada | [ Reply to This ]
  very nicelly said i like reading poetry as i read i ty to place myself in the mind of the writer as well as the characters they talk about
very enjoyable read
thanx for you comment on identity it is a very deep poem it talks about the pesonalities in me when i sit down to write
thanx again sandman
| Posted on 2005-08-02 00:00:00 | by sandman | [ Reply to This ]
  i am with the last person wht is with those astriks. however you spell that. anyway this was really good i mean it had great flow. and it sounds like i could really relate. anyway THNX

- Nammy
| Posted on 2005-05-02 00:00:00 | by Namlooc20 | [ Reply to This ]
  whats up bren...ok...first off i'd lose the asterick things at the beginning of each line...why are those there?...but anyways...hmmn...well i like what you've edited on here...but me guess i'm picky think you could go even deeper...say even more...but like i said...i have alot of faith in you that you can write better than you say...the light and your eyes part...is used quite alot and i think you could figure out a diffrent way of saying it without using the same phrase...this is what i'd do...and you can either take my advice or think i'm nutto...but this is what i do when i'm having a hard time finishing a write or deciding if its finished...i relax...maybe listen to a song thats relaxing...close my eyes for a few minutes...then with the poem on a seperate sheet of paper ...i simply think...what do you want to say or go...then i just write for lets say 4 or 5 minutes without stopping...and see where it goes from there...just an idea...but improvement wise of the write...i think you did extremly well...at expanding on your initial thoughts...i just think there is so much more you could say...ange
| Posted on 2005-04-18 00:00:00 | by purplesun24 | [ Reply to This ]
  I have to say I don't really like the asterixes at the start of every line, it makes the next few words that follow kind of indistinguishable. Unless they are there for a reason... I enjoyed reading this despite the "obstacles," nothing really heavy and nothing complicated make for a pretty solid write. Well done.
| Posted on 2005-04-17 00:00:00 | by JimweiZERO | [ Reply to This ]
  Faded fire would be a cool title too. I liked it for the most part. this piece is pretty straight forward and anyone who reads it will get what ur talking about. theres a few minor typos though. Some of the lines can be cleaned up a bit so theres a steadier flow..other than that very deep but try to add a little more of your own emmotion to make the piece a little more powerful and moving to ur audience.
| Posted on 2005-04-14 00:00:00 | by brokensmile | [ Reply to This ]
  I got the feeling that poem was about growth. When one is young one is innocent, bright as one gets older one becomes "vulgar" and dangerous, like a burning fire. Reminds me of my sister who is becoming a teenager and I see the light in her eyes become a fire.
Really inspirational, thank you for writing it.
| Posted on 2005-06-22 00:00:00 | by azeremen12 | [ Reply to This ]


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