Just Friends by jinx

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Submission Name: Just Friends dots

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Author:	jinx
ASL Info:	16/F/Canada
Elite Ratio:	4.37 - 44/58/26
Words:	75

Class/Type:	Poetry/
Total Views:	420
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	553

Description:
Hmm. this is a falsified beginning and ending of an actual event. it would amuse me if anyone could guess which part is true. (this would exclude anyone who knows me). i'd like general comments... whatever comes to mind, whatever suggestions you can make. anything. thanks.

Just Friends dots

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Crunch.
Her heart, a broken vial
smashed under his combat boot,
oozes "it's cool, we can still be friends"
all over the tiled floor
of the diner where they met.
He buys her a drink,
because it's nice.
but because it's 'nice',
It hurts.
It hurts.
It hurts.
She insists on paying,
tells him to keep the change,
and screams through the tacky saloon-doors
as shame sneaks over her eyelids
and down her cheeks.

Submitted on 2005-04-14 20:43:17 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  This is a good piece. I understand your desire to keep the opening simplistic, but might I recommend a few slight changes?
I would change the line: "Her heart is a broken vial" to "Her heart, a broken vial"
I might also change the "leaking" to a different synonym perhaps "oozing" or some other such word, I feel it brings a more dirty/ugly feel to the spreading of his words like fluid. I don't know though, as I am not a real poet. This is a good relatable poem, because everyone's endured being "just friends" at some point with someone. Thanks for the great read.
His Assholiness-
| Posted on 2005-04-18 00:00:00 | by His Assholiness | [ Reply to This ]
  this is a response i'd like everyone to see, so i'll post it here. The simplicity in the first few lines is entirely deliberate. I wanted to capture how one person can crush another's hopes with complete ease, without even thinking about it.
if that doesnt make sense, let me know. i'd love someone's opinion on the two options. -Jinx<3
| Posted on 2005-04-15 00:00:00 | by jinx | [ Reply to This ]
  "Because its nice. But because its 'nice', It hurts".
I could probably write essays on my dislike for the word 'nice' - but you've captured its essence (in my opinion) here perfectly. The repetition does what its meant to, and the last two lines work very well. If it were me, I would think of chaning the opening lines, as they are a little too simple. Maybe something along the lines of 'A broken vial. Crushed by a careless step; leaking soothing lies all over the tiled floor'...?

Katia
P.S. The nice part has to be true - I dont know anyone who hasnt been in a situation similar to that. :)
| Posted on 2005-04-14 00:00:00 | by Katia | [ Reply to This ]

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