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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: We breathe...dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Katia
    ASL Info:    23/F/Europe
    Elite Ratio:    6.39 - 586/529/29
    Words: 147
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 1426
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 936



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWe breathe...dots
    -------------------------------------------


    We breathe.

    Together, slowly, musically.
    The lilies of the valley play Chopin

    You sigh.

    Inhale, exhale, pause and hold my wrist.
    Trace hints of kisses on my arm again

    I stare.

    Last March, today, tomorrow, you and I.
    Our shadows watch and wait for us to meet

    Itís dark.

    My neck, my eyelids, earlobes, lips
    Surrender to your breath and feel your heat

    You dream.

    And I become your work, your muse, your goal
    I see you with my hands and hear your fingers dance

    We talk

    With kisses, glimpses, nibbles, thighs and thoughts
    I know you cannot stay Ė or share a backward glance

    We breathe.

    You read my body gently whilst I sleep
    Itís time to say adieu Ė for good - and only then Iíll weep.




    Submitted on 2005-04-14 22:57:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      this is a very sensual and beautiful, haunting goodbye to love.. what more can i say? the breath, the kisses, the tender touch... must've been a dream.. two breathing as one, oh what a joy to have had such a love. it was musical and magical while it was, but it is time to say goodbye and let it go.. time for weeping.. this hit very close to home for me. you have breathed life into a precious love now gone.. sorrowful yet blessed to have felt it at all. thank you.

    stay golden,
    ~Cat
    | Posted on 2005-09-12 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
      Three pages I hit when in search for a treat, yours, Ms. Texas and that smartass. (knows where to find the good stuff)...I've rpaed most of Traci's, been through quite a few of Nikki's, and then there was this title...

    Katia Gina Maria - You turn my insides inside out and hot and cold and mushy and all sappy and then you just rip out my heart and toss out the door.

    This is so beautiful, and tender and hot and then sentimental and touching and literal touching and then you like just shove him out the door...I hate married guys and men who can't stay - guys in general on some days
    This was fantastic (as usual)

    Lisa
    | Posted on 2005-09-12 00:00:00 | by ravenwolf68 | [ Reply to This ]
      i'm impressed, again, and freakin sad! this was such a love-filled story and then...ouch...they're splitting...going their separate ways. yeah, incredibly well written, and absolutely shocking at the end. daddy like.
    | Posted on 2005-08-31 00:00:00 | by treybur | [ Reply to This ]
      Why does it have to be that when we finally find someone who seems everything we've ever wanted, something goes wrong? This poem is beautiful. I love the format and the little groups of words that go so well together. I first read the description and that alone made me want to read the poem even more. You are very talented with words and express feelings very well. Wow. I'm so sorry you had to go through this, I know how hard it is to let go, and how impossible it is to understand why life must be so unfair. Great write!
    | Posted on 2005-05-16 00:00:00 | by prettybaby | [ Reply to This ]
      This is so perfect...breathtakingly perfect. It is a description of passion, of love, lust and sex so genuine and so true that it is scary. Everything in this poem was amazing, and the last line is just a wow. I think that it would not have been half as effective overall if you didn't include that line. All I can say is wow...WONDERFUL job, this is going in my favorites!
    | Posted on 2005-05-14 00:00:00 | by Scribbles1338 | [ Reply to This ]
      why is it that we want MOST what it is that we can not have?

    i must say, this is a very complex piece content-wise and structurally...it has a slow sing-song quality, and a very passionate feel.

    i have felt that tug for a married man myself, and my, how it hurts...there is a separate piece of your heart that tears irreparably when you realize that his heart belongs to someone else, and will never belong to you...now THAT is pain.

    (im starting to think we have so much in common!)
    -Nikki
    | Posted on 2005-05-13 00:00:00 | by stolie77 | [ Reply to This ]
      Reminds me of when I was cheating on my husband... yeah, I know... but if you have read Forbidden Love, which I think you have... you'll understand.

    Although I got what I wanted by leaving my husband, it took a lot to make that decision. Sometimes we want what we know we can't have... that's the sad irony of forbidden love on the whole... the only thing is... I was willing to leave my husband for my real true love...

    I liek this one a lot, and seeing as how I can relate so well to this one, it has to be another favorite...

    Unicorn.
    | Posted on 2005-05-12 00:00:00 | by Unicorn Poet | [ Reply to This ]
      ok, well first off, I try to never read the other comments before I write mine, so I'm not sure what the two conflicting sides are and I don't want to know yet...I'd prefer to give my unbiased or untainted opinion first...

    I cannot say what I think about the ending until I first assess what leads up to it...so...

    oh boy...this is hard to put into words...there is so much here that I can feel, almost as if I've been in this kind of relationship before...(almost, ahem...this is not about me, thankfully...[censored]...let me get the foot out of my mouth so I can walk on) I like the way the single word lines can read seperately to form a kind of side poem all its own. In between you capture that feeling of being lost in love...the subtle things we cling to at those moments...and it is very sensual...I particularly like the way the shadows approach each other. There is something both overtly passionate and yet covertly symbolic about it.

    and the whole piece builds and builds on this feeling until you reveal the sad truth (although it is still a little hazy without the intro...I mean, he could be leaving for so many reasons) and then comes the end and it's over and we are left sad and empty and wondering why (if not for the intro). And this must be where you have your issue. Do you spell it out more or leave us in the dark? ANd my answer will likely not be what you are looking for because it is a bit inconclusive as well...because the ending, like the poem in its entirety, should tell what you want it to tell. So many feel we need the whole story, all the answers, all the facts, tied together with a bow, but I feel differently. The poem should tell us what you want us to know. Do you want us to feel the love at that moment, the pain, the passion, the sadness, anger, betrayal? All of the above?

    As is, what I get from it is two lovers saying goodbye because it must be that way, not because they want it to be, and it is all of the things I mentioned above, and this should be enough to tell your story...the fact that you rhyme the last stanza may cause some to feel you make light of it and it alters the spacy, dreamlike flow of the rest of the body, but if that is the case I think they are being close-minded and misunderstand what a rhyme can do, especially an isolated rhyme...the effect it can give (and I think it does in this piece) is a lingering...ummm...let me see...the rhyme hangs on your tongue, it kind of drives home the message, in this case the finality of it. It is the same effect I tried to use in my poem the shadows remain...

    so, if the question you ask me about the ending is "does it give enough information to conclude the piece?" I answer yes (so long as you want to leave it dangling a bit rather than spelling it out) and if the question is "does the rhyme take away from the romantic, dreamy quality of the rest of the work?" the answer is no (so long as you want it to dangle some more and linger after we're done)

    This was a mess of a critique, and I'm sorry for that, but it was difficult to figure out what you were looking for since this piece was so well written...I mean it was like, what could possibly be wrong with this poem?

    Now I will read the other comments and if anything comes up that I haven't addressed I'll PM you

    PS (damn, almost left without being a jerk) the only problem I have with the entire piece comes in the second to last line and it is a very anal nitpicking thing I do that keeps me from simply raving all the time -

    1) how do you know he is watching you sleep if you are asleep, and

    B) whilst...I hate it. I gather that it is common in Europe since most Europeans (mostly Brits as I find it) use it all the time, but in the States we say while and whilst sounds like something that belongs in a bygone century with thee and thou and all that [censored] and sounds ridiculous when an American uses it. But all the great British poets on this site use it, even while (whilst) commenting, so that's just something I'll have to get used to

    k. Sorry...now I'm done (and I still think the ending works for all the reasons I stated before

    whew...you guessed it, I need a smoke and a whisky drink!
    | Posted on 2005-06-01 00:00:00 | by deadndreaming | [ Reply to This ]
      Now let me begin by saying I've made this one a fave.

    Why? You may ask . . . because, because, ummm . . . <brilliant analysis, genius!>

    Some poems are fast and some poems are slow and this poem is languid and rich and full of tender images and it's dreamy and real and all of the things you hope a poem will be, like a dream . . . that ends, and you wake up sad and wishing your subconscious wasn't so cruel, to do that to you.

    That's what reading this was like, for me.
    | Posted on 2005-05-06 00:00:00 | by Vancrown | [ Reply to This ]
      I am feeling this tonight dear Katia- and what a talent you are. THis poem speaks to me and my wounded past with that someone I know. I feel there is a day coming when I will also have to bid adieu and cut the ties that bind and have bound me for 15 years. I love this and am so happy to have found another artist on this site who is such a delight to read. Well done Katia.
    | Posted on 2005-05-06 00:00:00 | by Magnolia | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, I can't believe this is only 14 verses and then some. You say so much in only a few breathes. It's sweet, warm then refreshingly cool as the texture of the air changes as the readers meanders languidly their way through your poem. It's like one great rich, moment: we can actually feel you breathe and talk and touch softly and sensuously. It's great how each verse you introduce with two words, each set one breath.
    I feel terrible making any suggestions, cause it's beyond perfect as it is, and who am i to suggest anything before such a lovely write, but.... I noticed that in Verse 6: the two lines don't form one idea contrary to the preceding verses. Same goes with the last verse. Also in Verse 7 you're asleep and yet it's time to say adieu. Verse 6 you write "we talk".I wonder whether "We feel" might not fit as well here too. Talking kindof breaks the silence of this beautiful dreamy atmosphere and tone you've created, and also phonetically "feel" has a softer tone than talk.
    Lastly, i was just thinking that perhaps switching 6:2 and 7:1 would solve resolve my issues of one idea one verse.
    This was wow, gentle and soothingly sad, if i can combine the two words. It's quite lovely. There's no need to make any changes, just my thoughts:) Peace
    Raz
    | Posted on 2005-05-02 00:00:00 | by razmohin2 | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow... this is so deep. If I heard this read aloud I would probably have a couple tears rolling down my cheek, I'm a sap I am one of those guys who cries at a movie and try to hide it by whiping the tears away fast but it never works out lol. This was straight from the heart, ever syllable held so much power and passion, I can relate to your writing so well, I think I will have to make your page a regular visit. I can't find anything to critique, love poems are so unique even amidst the ciche` stories, each heart tells it's own fairy tale.

    Take care,
    -Tom
    | Posted on 2005-06-05 00:00:00 | by UnspokenDreamer | [ Reply to This ]
      Well done Katia, I certainly like this a lot,and I think that is because of the overall simplicity,-of the words, the structure, and the gentle way it moves forward, that makes it so easy to relate to.

    The images are very evocative though of what you are feeling, -I loved the one in the first strophe "The lilies of the valley play Chopin " ;an image both tender and sensual that describes so much,-with so little, and that takes talent , -to speak with honesty of things that may be painful or beautiful,Ėor both, in such a way that the reader feels empathy for those feelings, whether thier own experience may be similar or completely different. The lilies-of-the-valley iimage has the fragrance of flowers, the colors of innocence and spring, the haunting heart-tugging sound of Chopin, all in one breath. It is very haiku-esque, (if there is such a word)It is an art to speak volumes, in few words.

    The other compelling factor here is the dreamy surreal tone. It's as if this characters spirits alone are intereacting, and again that is beause it is all about feelings,-"Our shadows watch and wait for us to meet", Lines like that show forces in operation just beyond the physical plane, -a union more rare than the simple coupling of two bodies.
    "And I become your work, your muse, your goal
    I see you with my hands and hear your fingers dance"
    Here again, your words involve our senses. and the physical is relegated to a shortlist "kisses, glimpses, nibbles, thighs and thoughts" showing these things as a jumble of members of fleeting physical moment, contrasted with the feelings of the spirit, the music, the fragrance of flowers,-things that live on forever.

    Then ,"I know you cannot stay Ė or share a backward glance", and that is the poignant reality, Ėthat the reality is in fact more like a dream, because sadly, the relationship does exist in the concrete and tangible world, and it is only the moments stolen away from that reality, (like a dream) that make sense to the heart,-and the soul.

    I liked the way you repeat "We breathe-" as you close, -it brings us full circle to the beginning, and the title, but also gives a sense that the whole body of thought and images,-happened in just a few seconds,-like a haiku agin, -in one breath. Our dreams, so rich in detail and feeling, are said to happen that quickly,-so once again you wash this piece with that dreamworld light.

    Now it is over,
    "You read my body gently whilst I sleep
    Itís time to say adieu - for good - and only then Iíll weep. "
    and your words here change in tone, -and you even rhyme this couplet. That to me separates this last thought from the surreal to the sad reality. This last stanza is a concrete cleaving from the rest of the poem, to mirror the final separation of the lovers.

    I loved the last rhyme, and the way the thought dissipates into thin air, leaving only that haunting end-rhyme hanging in the air.

    This is a truly sensual and beautiful work here, and I cannot offer any suggestions towards an improvement.
    Take care
    Silver
    | Posted on 2005-04-21 00:00:00 | by Silverdog | [ Reply to This ]
      this is beautiful...very sad, and beautiful...like you said this is a very unoriginal story, we've all heard it, but you made it into something great. we've all heard it, but we haven't all experanced it, with this you give us a taste of that passion...this is lovely

    flipside
    milo
    | Posted on 2005-04-21 00:00:00 | by milo stills | [ Reply to This ]
      Thanks for your comments on "Dakota".
    I like this one for many reasons. The syntax is magnificent. Line breaks and commas create pause. Hanging all of those verbs out in a space of their own lends weight to your strong finish with "then I'll weep." This is a masterful poetic convention. Strong finishes are ideal and the way you pull this one off is unique. It shows a genuine talent for poetics.
    I never thought there were enough erotic poems out there. There is that little "Everyman Pocket Edition." Have you seen it? Anyway, I think its a tough subject to pull off convincingly in a way that is interesting to others. You've managed to do so.
    I especially like the line "thighs and thoughts". The cataloguing of body parts juxtaposed with acts of affection works well too.

    later, kc
    | Posted on 2005-04-18 00:00:00 | by twacky | [ Reply to This ]
            The more of your stuff I read the better it gets. This is an astounding piece. While the imagery is nice, I think I like the fact that the words you chose are poetic, yet plain. You don't go on long, weird word tangents (which I admittedly do quite often) and it still keeps it's austere feel. The entire thing is sad, but you finish reading it with a smile.
           Quite nice, keep it up.

    Manu.
    | Posted on 2005-04-15 00:00:00 | by Seiraryu | [ Reply to This ]
      This was really complex. You appreciate him while he's there, yet knowing he is going to leave. You do not want him to see your sorrow though. You feel the passion between you two, and accept it. Although, inside you are wanting to cry.

    Very deep.

    Loved this.

    Li Li
    | Posted on 2005-04-15 00:00:00 | by Munchie_1226 | [ Reply to This ]
      This is hot, erotic, but sad at the same time. Saying "adieu - for good" would cause one to "weep", but why? The sadness is in the lie and the misplaced trust.

    I like the form that you have used here. "We breathe, You sigh. I stare" etc. followed by examples of that action. Your word choices are hot, leading the reader to think it is a love meant to be, but in the end he "cannot stay- or even share a backward glance". In the poem you do not say why, but that leaves the reader to decide, and that's okay. The title and near ending line of "We breathe" says to me that a freedom of sorts has been attained, a release from the hidden lie?

    I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. It is a great start to a long stay here at ES, I hope. You have a talent for writing and this is a good place to hone that skill. Keep it up!

    Phil
    | Posted on 2005-04-15 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
      wow , you know what its even still intense by reading the following lines only:

    "We breathe, you sigh, I stare

    Its dark, you dream, we talk

    we breathe"

    -Our shadows watch and wait for us to meet
    -nice line, such imagery!

    -I see you with my hands and hear your fingers dance
    -this line holds soo much passion in itself It alone could be the piece, haha

    Its goin in my favs
    Lolavie
    | Posted on 2005-04-15 00:00:00 | by lolavie | [ Reply to This ]
      This is quite sensational! Sensuous, quiet, simple, and very erotic and compelling.
    The only suggestion I can come up with is you work your description in at the end, somehow, explaining why you're saying adieu. Then, the rest of it is wonderfully sensual, we don't know about the wife, then brings us back to reality.
    Very well written
    Be Proud
    Graeme
    | Posted on 2005-04-15 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      hmm, really thoughtful...very sad though, in the sense i perceived it. I think your description went a long way in assiting your poem, because it definitely seems quite personal, though to say I know for sure all of what you were trying to suggest, I cant. I did really like the detail involved, though, I think that this is something you should be very proud to have written, to be able to release your feelings in such a beautiful way. I dont think I've ever read something of yours before, so, this definitely leads me to want to read more. Great job, Im sorry for how this happened to you, though...
    | Posted on 2005-04-14 00:00:00 | by nwproud | [ Reply to This ]


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