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Orange Flavored Vodka


Author: Rubi_Roja
ASL Info:    20/F/
Elite Ratio:    3.8 - 185 /164 /29
Words: 156
Class/Type: Poetry /Longing
Total Views: 1051
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 804



Description:




Orange Flavored Vodka



The way you smell fades away
like breathing sometimes does
and heat falls short of reaching me
just like the tips of your fingers
don’t you have an awkward way with words
or is that only reserved for me
remind me again
whose brilliant idea it was
to drink our innocence away
like we drink orange flavored vodka
Did I burn a gaping hole in your heart
Or was that just my flesh on fire?
Did I burn you
And did you have to run so far away ?
But now I choke on stubbornness
And bits of pride and bubble gum
When you meander around in my brain
Or on the telephone
But if you want me back
You are going to have to beg
Better than that




Submitted on 2005-04-15 02:39:59     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  I loved your poem, the flow is very good. I don’t know if this is something personal but I’m sure something like this could happen. “Awkward way with words” and “stubbornness” gave this piece realistic tone. And I think that the title and this orange flavored vodka metaphor works really good.
| Posted on 2005-09-20 00:00:00 | by Poly Jean | [ Reply to This ]
  I love your flow, all your words seem to just run of the tongue. Their were bits and peices that I found somewhat choppy, but all in all you did a very good job withg this peice. My favorite lines were the first four because they did a great job of sort of outlining the rest of the poem with the intro, I really like your style, it reminds me of my own and I don't really know why. If you have time I would like it if you read one of my works, I personally think my best is "Only Human", but its your pick right.
Thanks for the read.
| Posted on 2005-04-30 00:00:00 | by ConScribe | [ Reply to This ]
  Good write. I am more in the way of structure, but that is me. Nice use of emotion, and the end was a good twist. I look forward to future works.
| Posted on 2005-04-30 00:00:00 | by Malcolm Bishop | [ Reply to This ]
  like the title and how you tied it in with your very introspective poem about your past relationship. The ending was quite interesting and slick, mixed with a down right tough message of get your crap together,because words and promises won't cut it.

This poem also give a hint of how tough your inner walls are now.

It has the feel of you standing on the flat side of the blade, wonder if the blade is dull or extremely sharp,before you reach your foot out there to test the water.

I like the contrast of innocent and your now tougher skin,which is a natural thing that anyone would do.

This poem was well put together, excellent write.
| Posted on 2005-04-29 00:00:00 | by edthepoet | [ Reply to This ]
  what a wonderful way with words you have! and what a wonderful little poem you've cunjured! wow! I really like this...its as though, desipte that other person who you must have been somewhat infatuated with, left you stronger and better...you came across as easy - giving at first, if that makes sense...but i love the last bit of it:

But if you want me back
You are going to have to beg
Better than that

great work! kinda like 'what goes around, comes around!'...
x
| Posted on 2005-04-22 00:00:00 | by sunkissed_raven | [ Reply to This ]
  ooohhh rubs... i am sad for you... this p0oem is very sad and moving. i love every line. i like how you are able to capture simple details about human interaction and make them so poetic and touching. (sigh) i know the pain you feel and hope you stay strong and keep using it to write. take care and be safe.

remind me again
whose brilliant idea it was
to drink our innocence away

i love that part... =d
| Posted on 2005-04-15 00:00:00 | by snacky fish | [ Reply to This ]
  Not bad at all, I thought the first half way better than the second half. There's some really good lines in there, I'd just give it a better finish
"When you meander around in my brain
Or on the telephone
But if you want me back
You are going to have to beg
Better than that"
seems really out of touch with the rest of it. Most of it is almost sad reminiscinence, and the end comes as a "now" challenge, almost, it just didn't gel right. I think this could be very good indeed. Good job
Be Happy
Graeme
| Posted on 2005-04-15 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]


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