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Rebecca :untitled


Author: Malcolm Bishop
Elite Ratio:    2.09 - 355 /189 /39
Words: 414
Class/Type: Fanfic /Dark
Total Views: 1015
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1778



Description:




Rebecca :untitled



...her umbrella caught a powerful gust, it turned inside
out.
She struggled against it, leaned forward, and began to
shout.
"Matthew! Mathew!" The wind screamed through her mane.
Matthew heard not his name.
He kept his stroll, not breaking pace, the rain hid the
tears upon his face.
With each step, a moment that was between them leaped into mind.
At once warm, at once unkind.
Still, Matthew walked through the fury that was assaulting his body, his heart.
She kept after him, closing the distance that kept them
apart.
She was closer now, no more then seventeen paces,
she rushed passed strangers
unknown faces.
Still he walked, her voice he could not hear,
that voice, it once breathed hot in his ear.
Ten paces, she could see his frame through the slanted rain.
He walked on, heart in flames,
he thought of all the names.
She was close, Rebecca reached out, her hand an inch from his shoulder.
He reached the intersection,
he did not see the eyes of light headed his direction.
Rebecca let loose a scream that rivaled the wind,
what had she done for this? What sin?
She knelt, placed his head upon her thighs,
the wind carried her cries.
She screamed into his face what she needed to say,
she collapsed on his body,
and there they both lay.
The rain washed them, but it could not wash their
souls.












Submitted on 2005-04-15 03:47:26     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  Just returning to re-read some of your posts.

As for this one.. it grabs at me each time I read it. You've managed to write a compelling story of two people in a moment in time.. that draws the reader in, so that they can actually "feel" the emotions of the characters played out here.

Describing every detail to it's fullest.. the objects in this scene, the people and their emotions... nothing was left out. And the lines were broken up in all the right places, making it more enjoyabe and easier to read.

And the ending left us hanging.. so we want to read more.

Excellent!

~Sandra
| Posted on 2005-07-19 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ]
  I'm not sure what freespirit meant about the flow...this was as smooth as they get!

The imagery in this piece is just amazing...you were able to tell a story of love, betrayal, hurt and death in such a short and simple piece.

This was the first post of yours that I've viewed and now I'm just eager to view the rest.
| Posted on 2005-04-27 00:00:00 | by Brownsdelight | [ Reply to This ]
  Interesting more of a story than a poem because it didn't flow, good content though and with a bit of revision could be an excellent poem. I usually read my poems aloud to give them rythm
| Posted on 2005-04-19 00:00:00 | by FreeSpirit | [ Reply to This ]
  you could place it in 'prose-poetry; section. For a poem, you could work on the punctuations. It makes a interesting story. You have surely manage some awesome imagery.
| Posted on 2005-04-15 00:00:00 | by vedanta19 | [ Reply to This ]
  wow very deep i usualy only read or write more light harted stuff but this was very good not enough poeple use rhyme in more seriouse
poems i'd like to see more
great job
-pat
| Posted on 2005-04-15 00:00:00 | by Patricio | [ Reply to This ]
  Ok, I have read the first. Rebecca. she was put in a scene of despair. imagery was good. there were particular lines I enjoyed/

He kept his stroll, not breaking pace, the rain hid the tears upon his face.

She was closer now, no more than seventeen paces, she rushed by strangers, unknown faces.

This line above I like because many people will find themselves in this particular situation. like if thy're running away, this will happen. In rebecca's case she was running toward something.

And last,

Still he walked, her voice he could not here,
that voice, it once breathed hot in his ear.

I felt a woman's breath when I read this line.

On to the next one!


-mike
| Posted on 2005-06-22 00:00:00 | by Brack-Attax | [ Reply to This ]


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