Instead of screaming by spoken

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Submission Name: Instead of screaming dots

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Author:	spoken
ASL Info:	24/m/Atl
Elite Ratio:	5.4 - 153/192/54
Words:	236

Class/Type:	Poetry/Love
Total Views:	298
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	2858

Description:

Instead of screaming dots

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if you feel like holding me tonight, than i will give myself to your arms

Today, my sone gave way to the rain
I lost the words to the songs I love to sing
The child in me grew up and moved away
Misery moved in its place

love if you feel like just laying here tonight, than i will give my shoulder to you

I breathed a long and heavy sigh to clear my mind
closed my eyes and pictured your face
I wrote a song about you and sang it in my head
as I skipped through the rain to your place

girl if you would like to just talk with me tonight, than to you i will give all of my time

Submitted on 2005-04-15 14:30:20 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  This is different from the other things I've read by you. I liked it alot, it has a sweetness to it. It's interesting the way the words in italics are so different from the other words. They could be their own poem but they also fit in well here. It's a really caring poem.
| Posted on 2005-05-10 00:00:00 | by WaxingPoetic | [ Reply to This ]
  Well, that was somehow really really interesting! I really am not sure whether I have read any of your poems before or not! I think I didn't! But I think after reading this one I'll try to read more of your poems at least to judge better.

And now about the poem itself; I think that this is a good poem indeed, of course the subject of the poem isn't new but the way it was presented was good and somehow innovative too (in my point of view), the poem is well written with few spelling mistakes like "sone " in the first line in the first stanza! And that is a very important thing because I beleive that spelling mistakes take alot from the beauty of any poem.

And I must talk about the tittle ( Instead of screaming ), which was very well chosen and captures the minds of the readers (it captured mine), and also the description which I beleive to be a very important tool for the writer to use to capture the attention of the readers and to give a prior presentation to the poem and I think you somhehow failed in doing any of that because you didn't even use it from the first place!

I think that the emotion was flowing all over the poem and the sincerity too! And that is a very important thing, as I believe that the key to the succes of any poem is how sincere is it and how was it presented to the reader and did it touch him in a way or another! Because that is what poetry is all about! It is all about translating our emotions in to words.

I also want to say that the poem was short (may be too short) and that doesn't help in giving a fair comment!

I liked the part that says

"I lost the words to the songs I love to sing
The child in me grew up and moved away
Misery moved in its place."

And also the last stanza "The finale" which was very good and well written too.

"I wrote a song about you and sang it in my head
as I skipped through the rain to your place

girl if you would like to just talk with me tonight, than to you i will give all of my time"

I really liked those last words specially the last line!

I hope that my comment was somehow helpful to you and I'll end up my comment saying Good luck and keep it up.

P.S Nice photo (LoL)!
| Posted on 2005-04-15 00:00:00 | by Yousef | [ Reply to This ]
  hmm...

capitalization isn't an issue for me... it doesn't distract from the piece when I read it.

spelling maybe? 'sone' should be 'song'? or it's some other word I've never heard before.
It's happened.

Other than that... it's very simple, very sweet.

'The child in me grew up and moved away'
When I suddenly looked and realized that it had happened to me, I was sad. I knew I'd lost something. But it was too late by then

~Akhi~
| Posted on 2005-04-15 00:00:00 | by Alize | [ Reply to This ]
  hey, this was really thoughtful...lyrics, not quite poetry as I think it to be, but that makes little difference, it really is all the same...I think there were a few grammar things to fix, yes, but thats not really what makes or breaks a piece, so I wouldnt worry about that too much, just know that they're there...I like the way you wrote this, the thought behind it, always seems to mean so much more about something like this...great job

nwproud
| Posted on 2005-04-15 00:00:00 | by nwproud | [ Reply to This ]
        Aside from grammar (such as capitalizing "I") I can't see anything wrong with the piece. It's a bit lyrical, rather than poemic, but that's not a bad thing. Good job.

Manu.
| Posted on 2005-04-15 00:00:00 | by Seiraryu | [ Reply to This ]
  This is a beautiful write. I enjoyed every word. I like how your willing to give your time, that is so sweet. I wish all guys were like that.
This write is really good, I don't think I saw any mistakes.

Keep writing
stephanie
| Posted on 2005-04-15 00:00:00 | by XxStephyxX04 | [ Reply to This ]

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