Pretend candy(sic with her) by spoken

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Submission Name: Pretend candy(sic with her) dots

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Author:	spoken
ASL Info:	24/m/Atl
Elite Ratio:	5.4 - 153/192/54
Words:	217

Class/Type:	Misc/Misc
Total Views:	339
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1534

Description:

Pretend candy(sic with her) dots

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throw your comfort away
lay still
lay in silence

while the tips of my fingers
touch places you know they shouldn't

something inside me
drawn to your innocence

faint cries sing to me
push me on like music

I can feel your heart beat
as my lips brush across your chest

tongue against
her brand new breast

get on your knees
pretend it's candy
close your eyes
stop trembling

small lips touching me
as i watch you act out my fantasies

what's inside of me
burns down your throat like acid

don't tell anyone
what's become our secret

set you free, finaly
back to a world
that will never be the same
where you'll learn to hide your pain
behind mood swings, silence and withdrawl

touch myself violently
remembering the scent of you
remembering
the pleading look in your eyes...............

Surely she'll grow up to be loved
But will she ever trust again

Surely she'll grow up to be touched
But will each one make her relive our experience

Maybe she won't end up stained
maybe her life won't be a waste

But my touch she's sure to remember
and' she'll never forget how i taste

Submitted on 2005-04-15 15:03:22 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  damn dude -hahaha I finally got around to this --man I don't really know what to say cause i think between the both of us we are SIC MUTHA [censored]AS
Lamemansterms
| Posted on 2005-08-04 00:00:00 | by LameMansTerms | [ Reply to This ]
  As the mother of two little girls, I'm having a hard time deciding whether to cry or throw up. Maybe both.
I've read LT's pedofile, and that's how I found out about this. I have to say the opposite takes on the same topic are interesting. In his, it seemed the molester was in love with the child, while in yours it seemed as if he almost hated her, wanted to ruin her, make her sad and miserable. This had a violent, angry feel to it. Very very good.
Traci :)
| Posted on 2005-06-27 00:00:00 | by onetruesmartass | [ Reply to This ]
  Okay, I decided to try my hand at editing the original, which I will paste here. Feel free to use whatever you like, or take it as it is, or discard it . . . up to you!

there's nothing to fear
be still

so compelling, I'm
drawn to this innocence

when you cry, it
pumps me up like music

your heartbeat, little
rabbit in your pink jacket

my parting tongue, lips
descend upon tiny nipples

I want to feel your lips
watch you act out my fantasies

get on your knees, now
close your eyes
quit trembling

my spurts of lust
burn going down like acid

now, don't tell anyone, let's
keep this our little secret

drop you off back at the park
so I can return to watch you

purge myself, violently
remembering our good times

you'll grow up one day, love
But will you learn to trust

and touched, will you close
your eyes and remember me

will you cry out in your sleep
or bury me deep in secret

moist and hot in your ear
just pretend it's candy

Or something along those lines. I think this preserves the original's potency, and draws out something a little darker . . . and the 3 line strophie in the middle breaks the rule of the rest of the poem, drawing attention to a critical moment . . . I hope this helps.
| Posted on 2005-04-15 00:00:00 | by Vancrown | [ Reply to This ]
  Okay, I went back to the original, which I see you've cleaned up, and I have to say now, without a doubt, I like that version much better. It's FAR more disturbing, it sings a dark song . . . this is a weaker version, so if you want my honest opinion . . . chuck this one and keep the original. I'm glad I came back for a second look. :)
| Posted on 2005-04-15 00:00:00 | by Vancrown | [ Reply to This ]
  I'm not sure which is better . . . only error I caught is "finally" <spelling>. BUT maybe this is missing some of the more sinister aspects that gave it such a powerful reaction. This is a tough one! Thanks for inviting me to come check it out . . . I apologize if I am ambiguous here, I liked the original, it was disturbing and in your face, just wanted you to clean up some of the errors. Tough call, bud.
| Posted on 2005-04-15 00:00:00 | by Vancrown | [ Reply to This ]
  Jesus.

Slow as I am, it took me a while to understand. I thought this was about a VIRGIN.
Then I realized it was a LITTLE GIRL.
Big difference, maybe.

I have to laugh rather than take it seriously and say all the things I could say.

This is only the second thing I've ever read of yours. However, in both of them I notice that you write with this strange innocence.
How do I find innocence in poetry about sexual abuse? Wow. well.

At first, this comes off as sweet. But on second read, it's sinister.

'throw your comfort away
lay still
lay in silence'

Throw your comfort away? It's like a descent into fear.

'I can feel your heart beat
as my lips brush across your chest'

I should have known it was a little girl. Kids are so fragile...

'touch myself violently
remembering the scent of you
remembering
the pleading look in your eyes...'

and isnt that the sickest thing of all?

It's just poetry. And if not, don't tell me, I don't need to know. A strange subject, a taboo subject that makes reading this something very guilty.
To like it, even more guilty. So I won't say I like it, and risk a weird feeling.

I can say it was very good then... excellent writing.

~Akhi~
| Posted on 2005-04-15 00:00:00 | by Alize | [ Reply to This ]
  This is sick... but im guessing that's the point. It's very hard-hitting stuff, all the more so because its written from the abuser's point of view rather than the victim's. The whole poem sends a shudder through me. Very emotive work, good job x
| Posted on 2005-04-15 00:00:00 | by just_a_girl | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow this reminds me of a magazine article. This little girl father, made her make out with him, and have sex with him. i thought it was horrible and I think the girl was only four. Her mom had no clue what was going at all. She had know clue of the situation. The girl tried to get away many times. But her father wouldn't let her.
When she was going to college, she got a boyfriend, and she wasnt afraid to have sex, cause to her it was normal, cause she had it with her dad all the time. I think later on she reported him, or I think she told her mom and than he got put in jail.
I think its a sad thing to experience. And it must be scary as hell.

Well I saw some spelling errors, but other than that I liked the imagery, and the flow to this piece, makes the write a even better write.
Good Job

Hope to see more of your writings
Keep writing
and maybe you can see some of mine
Stephanie
| Posted on 2005-04-15 00:00:00 | by XxStephyxX04 | [ Reply to This ]
  God that's disturbing.. It gives me the image of a father making his daughter do things with him that he shouldn't, and that truly touches me because my fourteen year old sister was molested by my step-father.. That kind of thing was always disgusting before, but has now taken on new meaning because of how close to me it happened..
Anyway.. Your images are vivid and well written, and the whole piece flows well..
Nice job..
| Posted on 2005-04-15 00:00:00 | by Maskannai | [ Reply to This ]

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