Description: the love that builds, and the ties that bind.
On A Hammock Of Grass -------------------------------------------
The night was black
And they laid there
On a cool hammock
Consisting of only grass
She held his hand
And he held hers
They weren’t even looking at the sky
Or at anything at all
In particular
They new what each other were thinking
“We’ve come a long way.”
A long way indeed
They say life’s an adventure
made for the strong and stable
Could they have made it out,
not being as strong as they were?
Most likely
They have the love
That builds
Strengthens
And yields great happiness
But they are strong
Whole-hearted
And
Loving
The wind blew hard on them
Cooling them to thier bones
They did not shiver
Nor quiver
They just endured it
Then it began to rain
Hard on them
In buckets as they say
They did not move
shirts clinging to their chests
Then held tight
To each others hand
They smiled for a few moments
And closed their eyes
They couldn’t be any happier.
The poem is touchy-feely but it's okay. I'm just gonna be really hard on you because I know you can do a lot better, but it's a bit amateurish. I know what you were shooting for and if you maybe work the context a little more and change some words around or try a different scheme altogether - the point, i'm sure, will come across better. Be careful with your spelling and grammar. Try using the middle stanza as your example . . . you hit the nail on the head with that stanza...go with it. and don't be afraid to make a play on words!
I like this 'all' happy piece :). The way you have captured 'hammock' moment, makes lovely visual. A friend of mine just told me 'greatest love affair begins with expensive champagne and ends with a tissue' And now when I read this poem, this I forget this ugly quote ;)
I liked the first stanza, it's nice. The rest of the poem is pretty average. If you could have used different words to describe this 'hammock' moment. I also liked the title of this piece. It brings about a very comforting/reassuring feeling :) Good luck on more of your work!
Submission Name: On A Hammock Of Grass
