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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Forecastdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Cindergarden1
    ASL Info:    18 Male Sweden
    Elite Ratio:    4.69 - 43/58/17
    Words: 119
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Longing
    Total Views: 628
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 825



    Description:
       This is a song I wrote for my band (if you are interested I can send you an mp3).

    It's about reading the paper and having a hard time feeling optimistic. Yeah, so it's going to be good weather tomorrow, but what about the conflicts of the world? The media focuses on the gossip and the celebrities and sex, but what about the kids dying in war?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsForecastdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Read the newspaper today
    Tomorrow might bring sun
    I read of troubles far away
    Makes me want to run

    Photograph of child that died
    An actress smiles at me
    The caption tells me how he cried
    Did she get surgery?

    Outside my window I see clouds
    I can't turn away
    Skies get darker every day
    Looks like it's gon' rain

    There's a man on the TV
    Saying the end is nigh
    If there's heaven, if there's hell
    Where do I go when I die?

    Outside my window I see clouds
    I can't turn away
    Skies get darker every day
    Looks like it's gon' rain

    Read the newspaper today
    Tomorrow might bring sun





    Submitted on 2005-04-17 07:47:17     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Right off I'm struck by the lyrical syllabics of this piece, the 7-6-8-5 with some variations. It's difficult to comment because with a song, so much goes beyond the words, it's hard to know what needs fixing without hearing it. From a pure poetic sense, I see some areas that could use a pickup to help it flow better, or establish a more natural sonic structure . . . let me break it down and see what I can find.

    Read the newspaper today
    <heard the man say there's sun>
    {Tomorrow might bring sun}
    <gonna come burn it all away>
    {I read of troubles far away}
    <this cloud of war hangs>
    {Makes me want to run}

    <There's this dead kid's picture>
    {Photograph of child that died}
    {An actress smiles at me}
    <smiling, all innocent>
    <The caption tells me he suffered>
    <cried and begged his mommy>
    {The caption tells me how he cried}
    {Did she get surgery?}

    That's the kind of editing I see when I look at this, but I doubt you will find it very helpful, because the words are one piece of the puzzle.

    I'm going to move on and read some of your other work and comment more. Thanks for sharing.
    | Posted on 2005-04-20 00:00:00 | by Vancrown | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
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    9. How could it be improved?
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    12. Does it feel original?



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