I see seeking refuge from the shame that comes from sex...or two people both in denial of what just happened. Or suffocated by taboo and protocol. Or whatever. -.- It's like desperation and need overcomes two people that society doesn't want to see together. So it's in the shadows, hence all the darkness. Have you seen Unveiled? That foreign movie? That's what this reminds me of. Sheesh. *claps hand over mouth to prevent more interpretive nonsense*
yet another beautiful piece of work, girl. although there are depressing pieces, there are undertones of comfort and rejuvenation in this poem. the last line was a perfect ending for it. i don't see anything that should be changed here. i think that the spacing works well. keep up the great work! ^_^ hugs and strawberry licorice, ~*dark_and_dreary*~
The pain of desire certainly is gut-wrenching and can sometimes serve as our darkest and shallow voids. Ever notice the way someone's eyes looks when they are gaping at something that they truly desire? Concentrated, yet shallow and distant...and ultimately..well...kind of creepy huh? Yet the look of love, isn't exactly like that, even if it originates from your wants and desires. Something like this.. Love is the abyss, and lust is merely a puddle in life that you either step over, splash through or completely walk around, straight forward or the other way. I thought this was where you were going. But nope. Off you go. Somewhere else, in another direction. Two people that confide in eachother surely can escape right into eachother, despite the qualms and low brows of life. You ended this thing beautifully.
I think that something major that will help this piece of writing is the spacing. Write a whole verse, and then insert a break and then write another verse. The verse will represent the compulsion, the lust, the urges, and then the break represents the pause and the ending in the desire, which will only begin again in the next verse.
The next thing is that you use a lot of strong words in the poem, but surrounding the strong words are too many simple words. Simple can be strong too, but the way everything is put together, it's as though everything is just one mass of words, with no actual meaning or content.
I think that the major thing here is that if you fiddle around with the spacing, a lot of the rest of the poem will come together around it.
I would say that the content here is good, and the title definitely fits in with everything you've written here. It's a nice beginning, and I hope you can get everything to come together.