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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: untitleddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: ForsakenAngel
    ASL Info:    19/F/Arkansas
    Elite Ratio:    6.37 - 147/73/18
    Words: 62
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 691
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 282



    Description:
       It's not finished I just wanted to know what you thought of it so far.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsuntitleddots
    -------------------------------------------


    I sit and watch her pain,
    but I know there is nothing I can do.
    With each tear that stains her cheek,
    my heart sinks.

    Further and further still
    goes the pain with which she feels,
    that I know I can do nothing about.




    Submitted on 2005-04-17 22:04:53     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      this is good.I can't criticize it at all...the only thing I can say is that It should be longer...but you say its not finished yet, so I doubt saying that would hold much purpose...who is this about....meghan...or maybe your mother...?
    | Posted on 2006-06-26 00:00:00 | by maninthemirror | [ Reply to This ]
      I love it! I have small suggestions to make- but i love it! You so rock me! Sorry Iíve been away- wonít happen again. Peace, love and happi-pills
    - Madd Jak~

    "I sit and watch her pain,
    but I know thereís nothing I can do
    With each tear that stains her cheek,
    my
    heart
    sinks

    Further and farther, still
    goes the pain with which she feels
    And I know that I can do
    nothing
    for
    her"
    | Posted on 2005-05-14 00:00:00 | by Six_Grey | [ Reply to This ]
      A nice write . You begin with your pain of watching the pain. You end with the person who is paining paining more because that person knows you can do nothing about it.

    I took the comma out of your second stanza to arrive at my above comment.
    With the commas remaining you are further paining because the person is paining.
    Which one of the above is your aim of the poem I do not know. Yet I prefer the comma gone since it speaks of friend to friend.
    | Posted on 2005-04-17 00:00:00 | by realpoet | [ Reply to This ]


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