the sun set and moon grow still
looking at your window sill
white as night dark as snow
filled up by a rock's dim glow
songs told tales frogs dont croak
drinking as the water broke
singing cats dancing dogs
owe their gifts to mistless fog
evermore their gifts do show
bathing in the darkened snow
i kind of got a "caught in between" feeling from this...
maybe in a different dimension...maybe dipping into insanity..where dark is light and light is dark...life is a paradox...of opposites from what everyone else sees....my world is fogged over with loss of reason...
i just stare at the window sill...like in a catatonic state.
I loved it It kind of reminded me of almost a diffrent dimension It was really good though! As for Meaning I found it kind of about Insanity perhaps over a broken heart "the sun set and moon grow still looking at your window sill" Put a picture in my mind of someone standing under the window sill of one they love pondering about what went wrong trying to get up the courage to talk to them I liked the line "white as night dark as snow" It symbolized how everything seems backwards after something changes and the rest kind if followed how everything is diffrent and strange to one who may be in pain But thats just what I got out of it :P
All in all this is a very good write and I liked how it didn't really make sense :) ~Elysia
This reminds me of something out of a fable, or something from 'Grimm Brothers'. I really did enjoy this. It has a dark, whimsical feel to it. It's different in its own right, which is refreshing after all the same types of pieces you read day in and day out. It's nice to run across something out of the ordinary. Great job!
I quite like lines 1, 2 and 4 and the last three lines, since you can derive meaning from them and the interesting way you recurred the image of an igneous sheet of rock by using the 'rock' and the ambiguous 'window sill'. You might want to think about whose gifts you are speaking of in the poem. Of course, that depends on whether you wish to attach meaning to it, but you may have quite some literary exercise pretending to write a seemingly meaningless poem filled with meaning. :-)
My main complaints are that the animals are not very interesting and are not performing very interesting actions, imho (I had a cat who sang "Mama") But i think it is a genuinly interesting effort, and could make something very interesting if you allow some time for the rhythm of the poem to become more natural to you and don't hurry in extending it, as it does not feel complete (yet)
Hey I reread your poem and changed my mind about what I said. I think you should leave the tenses all screwy and let the punctuation go missing. Tenses and punctuations are just there to help things make sense, and if nonsense is what your going after, then why bother? I think trying to "fix" it would only make it look like you were trying to make sens and failing. The way it is, the nonsense looks more intentional - like you know what you are doing. So more power to ya!
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I like your poem a lot. The rhyming pattern and the nosensensical -ness reminds me of something Lewis Carrol would have written. Ever read The Jabberwock? I would only change it by making the verb tenses consistent. How about... The sun sets, and the moon grows still/ As I look at your window sill... And maybe you need some punctuation marks between the similes that are inhabiting the same line, as in "white as night, dark as snow" Anyway, pretty interesting . It's kind of fun to read stuff like this and speculate on what the heck the author is really thinking! (or what he's been smoking!)
Well, I don't know why you wrote it, either, and I can't find any meaning in it, particularly. But then, does there always have to be MEANING? Why not just a nonsense write?
The only problem with this nonsense write is that it needs work. I don't care about rhyme, though sometimes that helps in nonsense, but your rhythm needs to be spot on for it to work. Yours isn't far off but it stumbles in just a couple of places: first line and the line filled up by a rocks dim glow. (rocks should be rock's)
Worse than the rhythm (especially since the rhythm isn't all that bad) are your putting in needless verbs. I've never been able to figure out why people do that. Anyway - ditch the word "does" in the first line and the next to last line. In the latter, change "gift" to plural, as it was in the preceding line.
Now I can't make anything out of the line "songs told tales frogs don't croak". This is one pairing that I just don't get. Maybe it's just me.
I got the feeling that you just wrote down some words here, put them in lines and called it a poem. In my opinion, if you were to put a bit more work into it, you could probably have a decent nonsense poem here. mae