This site will self destruct in 2 months, March 17.
It will come back, and be familiar and at the same time completely different.
All content will be deleted. Backup anything important.
--- Staff
Roleplay Cloud -
 

  Off

Sign up to EliteSkills




Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password
Roleplay | Viral news today | Music Theory

Swirling and Twirling


Author: painofthanatos
Elite Ratio:    4.32 - 684 /571 /86
Words: 121
Class/Type: Poetry /Nostalgia
Total Views: 932
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 859



Description:

more poetry about incense...


Swirling and Twirling


Sitting heavily on the floor
Brown eyes following smoke
As it drifts skyward
Watching as it nears the ceiling
Swirling and Twirling
Like I did when I was five
Brand new shoes
Laced up tight
A *Daddy's Girl* necklace
Tucked deep within my uniform
Jewelery is forbidden
I scan the audience before
The first note starts
I dance my best
My chin up high
The final chord hits home
As I admit to myself
That you're not coming
I throw the necklace out
Before letting mommy
Take my hand
I remember I didn't
Talk to you
For a week
How could I forget
It was the last time I danced,
Swirling and Twirling
Like the smoke
Reaching for the ceiling's approval




Submitted on 2005-04-19 10:52:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!




Comments


  This is a VERY powerful and emotionally moving piece. The comparison of you to the smoke perfectly capturses the ethereal nature of the child, and the motions of the dancer. This is a beautiful and colorful piece
| Posted on 2005-05-15 00:00:00 | by cainboy | [ Reply to This ]
  aw this is sad :( i love how you incorporated twirling smoke into dancing and compared the ceiling to your father. maybe ive lost my critiquing touch or maybe youre just flawless because i cant find anything in this one either. actually one :D
*Daddy's Girl*
i would put that in " "s instead. but then again, the * *s give it a girlish touch, which is what those types of necklaces are like.
nice poem, of course :)
sophie
| Posted on 2005-04-20 00:00:00 | by sudie | [ Reply to This ]
  This is so sad. I liked it so much though. I can't really relate to it though. I'm sure a lot of people on here can. I'm sure you did a great job though. Don't stop dancing for one person though. You are probably so talented don't let one person bring you down. Saddest part was to me when you threw away the necklace...took a lil tug at my heart. You did a wonderful job with this...

Much love to ya,
Mikki *
| Posted on 2005-04-19 00:00:00 | by MiKkI25 | [ Reply to This ]


Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?		7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?



55309

EliteSkills

  Roleplay
  Top News