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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Mannequindots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: zyllion
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 171/117/20
    Words: 530
    Class/Type: Poetry/Dark
    Total Views: 318
    Average Vote:    1.0000
    Bytes: 3611



    Description:
       I want to start this by saying that yes, this poem is about rape. Please don't let that stop you from reading and commenting, and telling me what you truly think of it in terms of poetry as opposed to just commenting on the topic.

    I also want to make it perfectly clear that I have NEVER been raped, and have therefore never experienced this firsthand.

    Finally, I have no idea where the inspriation for this poem came from. When I wrote it, it kind of came to me, and just had to be written down on paper. After that, they kind of kept coming. I want you to understand that the topic and the final product of this (and all of the others that I ended up writing on the same topic) scare me shitless. I wish I knew where the so-called inspriation came from, but I don't.

    Despite all of that, when I reread this from a purely analytical state of mind, and I look at the poetry and not the topic, I have to say that I truly like how this poem turned out. So please, take the time to tell me what you think.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMannequindots
    -------------------------------------------


    She twists her fist
    Around the wooden X
    Dance for me she hears him call
    Dance you whore
    When she doesn’t move
    Vengeance is his
    Yanking her X, all of her control
    Forbidding her to disobey
    Daring her to try

    Unwilling feet begin to move
    Twisting, shuffling
    Steadily increasing in speed
    Tango, waltz; all he has to do is say the word
    and she is forced to obey

    She tries to stop
    But like the dancing shoes, she has no choice
    Forcing her to wait until he says –
    Stop
    Her feet stop
    She collapses
    But he isn’t done

    He yanks her up
    And pushes her down
    Always the bully
    Still it gets worse
    He laughs at her as she’s down on the ground
    Had enough?
    Weakly she nods
    Too damn bad

    He yanks at her pants
    Destroys them
    Pulling off all of the tiny tatters
    of black fabric he forced her to wear
    White underwear?
    You’re not that innocent
    And he pulls them off

    Whimpering does you no good
    It just turns him on, gets him high on your fear
    Euphoria beyond his beliefs
    Giving him thoughts to masturbate to for years to come

    He pulls off her black shirt
    that did nothing to conceal her
    Watching him swear as the shirt gets caught in the strings
    He pulls out a knife to cut the shirt off
    Miss the shirt, and slice the strings
    Free me
    Stab me
    End this fucked up life

    He doesn’t miss
    And she tries to swear – Fuck
    Her mouth doesn’t move
    Won’t move
    Can’t move
    The bastard controls her
    Controls everything she does

    She resigns herself to her fate
    Rape
    Such a disgusting word
    And yet she can’t help herself

    She withdraws within herself
    I’m not here
    I’m not here
    Let this all end
    let this be over
    I’m not here

    But she is there
    She feels what he is doing to her body
    Thrusting, hurting, harming
    Her shell provides no safety
    Saves none of her sanity

    She closes her eyes
    It doesn’t work
    She opens her mouth, whimpers
    Whimpers again as she feels him grow harder

    She realizes that he doesn’t even need to tie her down
    The strings that make her his puppet are enough
    Stopping her from crying out for help
    He overpowers her
    Continuing to enjoy the pain
    that he knows he caused

    She wants to yell at him
    Scream at him for the pain he’s caused
    But the stench of him, his actions, are too strong
    Much too harsh

    The silken ropes that bind her to the X
    Continue to leave her captive to his ministrations
    No matter how much she squirms
    or tries to escape
    Making her no better than a mannequin
    A fucked up, twisted plastic doll
    for him to use and abuse
    Without her consent

    Tattoo her face
    Spit at her feet
    Never will she receive control
    while she suffers her bonds
    Remaining an elegant, trussed up doll

    No matter what happens
    She understands
    That the choice was never hers




    Submitted on 2005-04-19 22:49:14     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
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    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Zyllion,

    This poem is dark but it is so factual. Sometimes we are in certain places and spirits talk to us and we don't know it. Someone could have experienced that from a life before and that is how the inspiration came forward to write the poem. I had written a poem one time about a young intern dying in a facility where I worked. I never showed anyone the poem. I will post it on this sight and allow it to be seen first hand. It was as if I could here the girl speaking to me and I was working the graveyard shift. There was no one in the building but me. I love your work. I am going to put you down for a stalk. You have a new fan in me.
    | Posted on 2005-12-19 00:00:00 | by B-Gentle | [ Reply to This ]
      First I had difficulty separating your write from the comments you furnished as insight on my "Luci's Ladder" piece. The two are contradictory if you regard the form, line length, rhythm and vocabulary selection of 'Mannequin'?!

    This seems sporadic prose in the guise of poetry, a meandering journey that never reaches it's destination. A serious edit to reduce redundancy and unnecessary portions is in order. The write itself and the introduction to it, both are overly lengthy and never actually gets to the object of your description.

    The title seems a good choice given the level of involvement of the participant.
    | Posted on 2005-09-25 00:00:00 | by uncreaTED | [ Reply to This ]
      First of all ... I am so glad that this was inspired by something other than the real scenario. nevertheless, you have managed to paint a very vivid picture which though horrific in its content is also very impressive. I can understand why you scared yourself once you had finished writing it! This ability that you have to empathise, may well help you to write on all manner of topics... and write with great depth of feeling.I am sure you will be able to help some victims to come to terms with their utterly ghastly experience. Thanks for being brave enough to post.
    | Posted on 2005-05-23 00:00:00 | by Alter idem | [ Reply to This ]
      Ok, you wanted me to elaborate. It would take ages to go through it step by step, so I will just show you how I would edit it. Part of the melodrama is that you repeat yourself too much; this is what overdoes things. If I take something out it is because I don't think you need it. Ok, here goes -

    'She twists her fist
    Around the wooden X
    Dance for me he calls
    Dance you whore
    When she doesn’t move
    Yanking her X, her control
    Forbidding her to disobey
    Daring her to try

    Feet begin to move
    Twisting, shuffling,
    Tango, waltz; all he has to do
    is say the word

    She tries to stop
    But like the dancing shoes,
    she has no choice until he says –
    Stop
    She falls
    But he isn’t done

    He yanks her up
    And pushes her down
    Laughs at her as she’s on the ground
    Had enough? She nods
    Too damn bad

    He yanks at her pants,
    Pulling off the tatters
    of black he forced on her
    White underwear?
    You’re not that innocent
    And pulls them off

    Whimpering just turns him on,
    gets him high on your fear

    He pulls off her shirt
    it did nothing to conceal her
    A knife to cut it off
    Miss the shirt, slice the strings
    Free me
    Stab me
    End this [censored]ed up life

    He doesn’t miss
    She tries to say – [censored]
    Her mouth won’t move

    I’m not here
    I’m not here
    Let this all end
    I’m not here

    But she is there, feels
    thrusting, hurting, harming
    Her shell no safe haven

    She closes her eyes
    Opens her mouth, whimpers
    cries again as he grows harder

    Sees
    he doesn’t even need to tie her down

    She wants to yell at him
    Scream at him for the pain
    But silk ropes hold her
    captive to his ministrations
    No matter how much she squirms
    No better than a mannequin
    His twisted plastic doll

    Tattoo her face
    Spit at her feet
    Never to receive control
    this elegant, trussed up doll

    Knowing
    The choice was never hers'

    Well, that's my take on it.

    Becky
    | Posted on 2005-04-25 00:00:00 | by SugarMouse | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, this is… vivid. You've got a very strong sense of conflict in here, & you've clearly got a flair for strong imagery.

    I think you maybe overstate it… with such a violent action, you do not need to hammer home your disgust. Sometimes bold statements really work for a poem, but I think that in general, poetic skill makes things implicit, rather than explicit. Yes, he is raping her, it is a terrible thing; we know this. Focus on the conflict itself, rather than using the poem as a platform for you to stand on and shout; I think that composure is important even when you're writing about somehing that makes you burningly angry or disgusted. That said, you need to keep the anger in there; the anger is strong. Been reading quite a lot of angry poetry lately, from the First World War… Wilfred Owen's poem 'Dulce et Decorum Est' is a good example of anger powerfully expressed ('Dulce et Decorum Est, Pro Patria Mori' is Latin, meaning 'it is sweet and great to die for your country'). Doesn't really relate to writing about rape, except in the anger; it strikes me that this too is a kind of poem of protest, and that's what made me think of it. Anyway, you can read 'Dulce et Decorum Est' here, if you're interested: http://www.iwvpa.net/owenw/.

    I think you've dealt with the subject quite well, actually; was reading a magazine article today by a girl who was raped when she was 12, describing her experience, and her feelings were very similar to what you describe.

    Becky
    | Posted on 2005-04-23 00:00:00 | by SugarMouse | [ Reply to This ]
      Well it's clear to see who won that challenge(lucky). This is the one of the best poems i've read in awhile it deserves an award you truley wooped my ass in the "The not First person" poem I guess i'll try harder but all in all it was good contest.This poem is terriffic the excellent word play, the way you described was just like reading it out of a book or it was a personal exp. even though you said that this has never happend to you...but it's kinda hard to beleive that, i'm not calling you a liar or anything but you make it sound so real and thats a good thing. Let me tell you that this is going on my fav's :). Tell me whenever you wanna have another contest k. 1 love
    | Posted on 2005-04-21 00:00:00 | by C. Flava | [ Reply to This ]
      I must say that this is a wonderful poem. Yes, i admit, it is long but overall, worth reading. i enjoyed it very much although i kinda forced myself to read it and i don't really like when no one comments on the poem especially if the idea is soooo good. Not everyone can write that though unless they really had the motivation to do so.

    To be honest, i really think that you either saw this piece in a movie or heard about it or even just thought of what it would be like if you were raped.

    Some of the things you have written is very descriptive and tells a story, then you tell her thoughts and go back to the story. it's good that you did it that way but it kinda portrays another structure but oh well, i still like it.

    I think the first stanza should of been an overall image of what she thinks. It would of made a powerful beginning. You started with a story, it good and original, i liked it, but it didn't really kick me off my feet to keep going. At times i paused and wondered if i should read it all out. Just a suggestion, when you write a piece as long as this, start of as a suspense and undress the poem step by step. By the time you reach the ending, the reader has become so amazed that he would ask for an encore as long as this...

    Just a suggestion though. But i honestly liked it. You imagined something that is very hard to put yourself into and i congradulate you for that.

    Keep writing. Well done.
    | Posted on 2005-04-20 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]



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