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    dots Submission Name: Cart's Lamentdots

    Author: blackpearl
    ASL Info:    21/f/OH
    Elite Ratio:    6.77 - 52/43/13
    Words: 175
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 1029
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1364

       This is the last poem I wrote, back when I was seventeen. Inspired when I saw a shopping cart mired in the mud outside of Wal-Mart.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsCart's Lamentdots

    Frozen, silent, and entombed
    In a Midwest urban wasteland
    With ranges of great gritty snowbergs
    Dotting miles of grease-spotted pavement
    And from the speaker, rasping:
    "Will the green sedan blocking the entrance please move."

    My muddy prison, laced with chemicals
    In the water, oil-slick and diseased
    My rusted, atrophied limbs
    Interred in a fetid, festering grave
    And from the speaker, rasping:
    "Will the green sedan blocking the entrance please move."

    Up above, my friends still sit
    Safe, in silent shining herds
    Or pushed, protesting, across the asphalt
    Encumbered with heavy plastic loads
    And from the speaker, rasping:
    "Will the green sedan blocking the entrance please move."

    But I am trapped, mired, martyred
    Bogged down in slimy city slush
    And here I sit, longing, yearning
    For rescue that never comes—
    For a blue-coated savior that never comes
    And from the speaker, rasping:
    "Will the green sedan blocking the entrance please move."

    "Will the green sedan blocking the entrance please move."

    "Will the green sedan blocking the entrance please move."


    Submitted on 2005-04-20 18:51:43     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
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    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I like how you make the everyday objects in your world take on new meaning and metaphor in this poem. It's something I try to do in my own work so that helps me connect to the piece.
    How ever, I didn't understand that the writer was in the sedan blocking the entrance until I read Silverdrika's comment. But I do like the point of view taken by the cart... who wouldn't know the poet was the one the announcer was trying to get the attention of.
    I like how you keep the human element out of the piece... or at least very distant.
    | Posted on 2006-02-04 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ]
      My first impression is to praise your efforts here, because this is something new and the idea, at least to my mind, is original, and that's so rare I want to give you a platinum star! The more critical part of me wants to say . . . the thing that hurts this poem is it crosses over into the old melodrama a little too much for its own good. Your piece roots itself in a realism and this is its power, or the source from which you have the chance to make us see something new. I'm really talking about S4 as being the most guilty of this, but it is spotted throughout, so maybe take a fresh look at it, see where you're being real, and where you're dropping off the cliff and being a bit heavy handed, if that makes sense . . .

    The repetition works pretty well here, and sets an expectation, delivers . . . though you may want to eliminate one of the lines at the end, because it's a bit over the top.

    I know this comes off a bit critical, but please don't get me wrong . . . this piece has potential . . . and that's probably why I've dug at it with such vigor, because with a little revision, this could be truly great . . . and it deserves the attention. If you want me to break it up, you can PM me and I'd be happy to help. Best to you.
    | Posted on 2005-04-21 00:00:00 | by Vancrown | [ Reply to This ]
      5,0! Yay!

    Deep, so deep! It's like you're in a trance when you are writing this. I can picture the author sitting in the green sedan just staring blankly out the window while life bustles crazily by in the greasy prison. At least, that's what I imagined. I hope I somewhat got that right. I must say (in respects to what you mentioned while commenting on my story), that you do indeed enjoy those random thoughts, schizophrenia. It is fun to read through, because it all pulls together with the main points. Truly loved it!

    Keep up! I hope to be reading more from you soon!

    | Posted on 2005-04-20 00:00:00 | by silverdrika | [ Reply to This ]

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