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Bittersweet Victory


Author: sunnyrain
ASL Info:    16.f.wa.
Elite Ratio:    4.71 - 21 /35 /6
Words: 129
Class/Type: Poetry /
Total Views: 887
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 791



Description:


A bit of a jumbled rant on some problems with friends I had going on.. not exactly explained here, but it was a good way to cope.


Bittersweet Victory



Have you ever had to choose
when either way you go you lose?
Take the easy way, hurt a friend
end of the beginning, beginning of the end.

What if there's no less traveled road?
My shoulders hurt, will you take the load?
I made the choice between war and peace
This seems most like the Middle East.

How do you help a friend who wants someone else?
Why can't I just put my pride on the shelf?
Looking forward to when I can be alone
This sure doesn't feel like home.

At least I can see my life from here
At least the answer's a little more clear
I'm going to give this all I've got
From rock-bottom, I've got a good shot.




Submitted on 2005-04-20 19:29:16     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  This was your first poem, Hayley- It was very well-written, but I can see that you've improved tremendously since you've joined this site. And as I read through it, ya know what this song reminded me of? That song by the Black Eyed Peas, "Where is the love?"- at least, sort of. That part about the Middle East, anyway. But I'm gonna nitpickingly analyze every bit of this one. Heh. Don't I always?

Have you ever had to choose
when either way you go you lose?
Take the easy way, hurt a friend
end of the beginning, beginning of the end

7, 8, 8, 12. Umm, yeah. The last line is what threw me off the most, not only because of the asymmetry [is that the opposite of symmetry?], but because of the repeated words- Usually words that are repeated have a more of a pronounced effect on the reader. In this case, though, it merely made me, well, bored. But trust me, it was only for that one line, 'cause the next stanza caught my attention again. But that's later- as for the friend that you were contemplating about hurting, I have a [guess] as to who it is. Hah. Am I right? Heck yess I am, unless you were just making up a character for your song. But somehow I [seriously] doubt that. . .

What if there's no less traveled road?
My shoulders hurt, will you take the load?
I had the choice between war and peace
right now this looks like the Middle East

8, 9, 9, 9. That's better than the first one. Plus, love your beginning to this verse. In fact, I was reading that poem two, erm, three days ago. Robert Frost rocks. But anyways, the 'what if there's no less traveled road' thing definetely caught my attention. But as for the third line, it sorta confused me, 'cause it doesn't exactly work with the fourth- "I had the choice between war and peace/right now this looks like the Middle East". It says that you HAD a choice, which I took to mean as you already made the choice. But then you say that it looks like the Middle East. Um, did I miss something? That part's confusing, and adds a sort of unwanted mystery. You either want to have the WHOLE poem have a kind of mystical air, or you want a write that tells you everything, no matter how legnthy, abbreviated, or agonizing [just kidding] it is.

How do you help a friend who wants someone else?
Why can't I just put my pride on the shelf?
Looking forward to when I can be alone
This sure doesn't feel like home.

Ahem. I sure wonder which friend THAT is . . .

11, 10, 11, 7. This is sort of like the first stanza- it's sort of roughly balanced. The first three lines match, but the fourth sticks out. And another thing that the first and third stanzas have in common- both of their fourth lines d0n't fit in with the other three lines. Actually, you did that in the second stanza, too.

At least I can see my life from here
At least the answer's a little more clear
I'm going to give this everything I've got
Even from rock-bottom I've got a good shot

9, 10, 11, 11. Nice rhythm and syllables. Rhyming's a little cliché [how the heck do you do that e with the ' over it, anyway?], but oh well, nice all the same. Here, the use of 'at least' is nice. It closes the song with a nice ring to it- a nice, solid ending.

I know it's gonna be weird reading my comment for your FiRST poem, but still. It's nice to have someone comment on your first poem and see how much you've improved [so you can feel oh so good]. And I know I bashed it a bit, but again, you'll see that you've gotten LOADS better since the few months you've been here. You only write the poems that you think are best, the ones that you've worked on hardest- on the other hand, I spew out poems every other day and they don't all exactly hit home. But both methods work I guess, since we work different ways. Anyway, you can't tell, but my typing's getting sloppy since I'm so tired [I've had to hit the backspace button about every other word]. So, 'night, don't let the bedbugs bite!

Always, Jen
| Posted on 2005-06-28 00:00:00 | by Toxic Rose | [ Reply to This ]
  I don't like this at all...i LOVE IT! it is such a hard dicision to make..to go tha hard way and suffer or go the easy way and hurt someone...a great write! i give it 5 stars! it's going on my favorites list!
| Posted on 2005-04-21 00:00:00 | by Alyra | [ Reply to This ]
  Not bad. It's a little sing-song for such a serious subject, but I attribute that to your tender years. :-)

Keep writing! This has a nice flow and meter. You do pretty well with the rhymes and it makes sense.
| Posted on 2005-04-21 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
  This is really good, more then that even! I love the words you used and the way you made it flow. Keep up the great work, this is goinginto my favs.
| Posted on 2005-04-20 00:00:00 | by Akili | [ Reply to This ]
  This was your first poem, Hayley- It was very well-written, but I can see that you've improved tremendously since you've joined this site. And as I read through it, ya know what this song reminded me of? That song by the Black Eyed Peas, "Where is the love?"- at least, sort of. That part about the Middle East, anyway. But I'm gonna nitpickingly analyze every bit of this one. Heh. Don't I always?

Have you ever had to choose
when either way you go you lose?
Take the easy way, hurt a friend
end of the beginning, beginning of the end

7, 8, 8, 12. Umm, yeah. The last line is what threw me off the most, not only because of the asymmetry [is that the opposite of symmetry?], but because of the repeated words- Usually words that are repeated have a more of a pronounced effect on the reader. In this case, though, it merely made me, well, bored. But trust me, it was only for that one line, 'cause the next stanza caught my attention again. But that's later- as for the friend that you were contemplating about hurting, I have a [guess] as to who it is. Hah. Am I right? Heck yess I am, unless you were just making up a character for your song. But somehow I [seriously] doubt that. . .

What if there's no less traveled road?
My shoulders hurt, will you take the load?
I had the choice between war and peace
right now this looks like the Middle East

8, 9, 9, 9. That's better than the first one. Plus, love your beginning to this verse. In fact, I was reading that poem two, erm, three days ago. Robert Frost rocks. But anyways, the 'what if there's no less traveled road' thing definetely caught my attention. But as for the third line, it sorta confused me, 'cause it doesn't exactly work with the fourth- "I had the choice between war and peace/right now this looks like the Middle East". It says that you HAD a choice, which I took to mean as you already made the choice. But then you say that it looks like the Middle East. Um, did I miss something? That part's confusing, and adds a sort of unwanted mystery. You either want to have the WHOLE poem have a kind of mystical air, or you want a write that tells you everything, no matter how legnthy, abbreviated, or agonizing [just kidding] it is.

How do you help a friend who wants someone else?
Why can't I just put my pride on the shelf?
Looking forward to when I can be alone
This sure doesn't feel like home.

Ahem. I sure wonder which friend THAT is . . .

11, 10, 11, 7. This is sort of like the first stanza- it's sort of roughly balanced. The first three lines match, but the fourth sticks out. And another thing that the first and third stanzas have in common- both of their fourth lines d0n't fit in with the other three lines. Actually, you did that in the second stanza, too.

At least I can see my life from here
At least the answer's a little more clear
I'm going to give this everything I've got
Even from rock-bottom I've got a good shot

9, 10, 11, 11. Nice rhythm and syllables. Rhyming's a little cliché [how the heck do you do that e with the ' over it, anyway?], but oh well, nice all the same. Here, the use of 'at least' is nice. It closes the song with a nice ring to it- a nice, solid ending.

I know it's gonna be weird reading my comment for your FiRST poem, but still. It's nice to have someone comment on your first poem and see how much you've improved [so you can feel oh so good]. And I know I bashed it a bit, but again, you'll see that you've gotten LOADS better since the few months you've been here. You only write the poems that you think are best, the ones that you've worked on hardest- on the other hand, I spew out poems every other day and they don't all exactly hit home. But both methods work I guess, since we work different ways. Anyway, you can't tell, but my typing's getting sloppy since I'm so tired [I've had to hit the backspace button about every other word]. So, 'night, don't let the bedbugs bite!

Always, Jen
| Posted on 2005-06-28 00:00:00 | by Toxic Rose | [ Reply to This ]


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