Description: This is a rivision. taking into consideration of some tips i recieved and some small changes i thought made my point more readily attainable.
The original is "into a quiet corner"
Looking for freash feedback.
Crawl into a quiet corner..... -------------------------------------------
We drift away at times
deep into fantasies
Some healthy;
Homemade cures
to make bitter realities
more palatable
I drift away frequently
carried off by the music
that massages my heart
through earphones big enough
to drown the army of voices in my head
My portable dream weaver
I imagine that I am Him
That confident one
able to walk about with a sureness
that remains just out of the reach
of my pleading fingers
Yet still in view of my admiring eyes
defiantly parading the misery
my tattoo was meant to disguise
Carried away
emerged in fantasy
where I sit myself beside
the beautiful girl on the subway
whose chestnut eyes
almost make me forget who I am........
Her gaze meets mine as she
bites her lower lip and I
allow a smile to play at the corners of my mouth
She brushes her tongue across her teeth
crossing one leg over the other
and with a colorful, voiceless expression
sends my heart rushing to meet hers
above clouds
"icouldfloathereforever"
Tell myself anything
Aching to be anyone
Longing for the day I am able
capable
of playing the role of Orlando Watkins
and not just
spoken
The anonymous expressionist
that reaches out
for a connection
with someone who can make sense
of the jumbled thoughts that
vein red eyes
and stain fingertips
a telling yellow-brown
Great pic. Pastelle of yourself?? I think you do a good job in letting the reader know what's to follow. Homemade cures... I would never have thought of it like that, but it all makes perfect sense. Some healthy... this changes the whole idea about fantasies and k@k (Sh!t). You gave a this a lot of thought i think.
through out your poem you have great imagery and you create a poem around the modern society and technology. it's not often one reads a poem that is not using elements of nature, and that sort of thing, to create images. it's quite original.
I personally identify with the third stanza. If only i could be him. that confident guy that hides inside. Is he actually hiding or is he suppressed. If so, why??? We all have the answers. it's just for us to face the realities (from which we wish to escape) and accept them for what they are. i'm not there yet. hehehehe!!! tattoo was suppose to disguise. You have a tattoo. i have fat. hehehe!!
you describe your thoughts in such a way that it seems that you are actually speaking to the reader and not like it's something that you recall. I like that.
Then there's me again. hehehe!!!
I find the last stanza a bit confusing... i think something is missing or i just miss something when reading and interpreting it.
of the jumbled thoughts that vein red eyes and stain fingertips a telling yellow-brown
I think if i understand correctly, you want to say that the vein red eys and stain fingertips, yellow - brown.... these tell a tale of their own??? is that what you're trying to say here. otherwise, i am lost.
I think we're talking of cannabis use in that last stanza, if I'm not mistaken. if not. Hehehehe!!
Overall, this is a nice write. thanks.
Kritzman
| Posted on 2005-12-27 00:00:00 | by K | [ Reply to This ]
Yes, there is great depth and imagery to this poem. It had a very nice flow that I could appreciate. Sorry this comment is so short but that's all I can say right now.
Saw it one Ace's fave list and figured I would read it. I like this, it's really good. I would like to have read the first one. My fave part: Carried away emerged in fantasy where I sit myself beside the beautiful girl on the subway whose chestnut eyes almost make me forget who I am... Her gaze meets mine as she bites her lower lip and I allow a smile to play at the corners of my mouth She brushes her tongue across her teeth crossing one leg over the other and with a colorful, voiceless expression sends my heart rushing to meet hers above clouds
It's got really good imagery there. And the way you convey your feelings into this is explicate. Great job.
after reading your comment, I was compelled to check out your poem...the imagery here is so clear, your point of view singles out the specifics in your thoughts, such as if you might have been reading them aloud to us, thats what I liked so much. I had to read it twice, to get the feel for what you were trying to say, its so nice to be able to know a little bit about someone through a poem, there is no better way to express one's self, or their feelings, their passions...anyways, sorry for an unorganized comment, just wanted to say that I thoroughly enjoyed it, looking forward to reading more from you.
this was a greaty poem. the depth of feeling and imagery you put into it was something you dont see every day. I have met someone that makes me feel like this but i have a sertain longing for her becouse she lives pretty far away from me. I will chech out your other writes this one is new favorite. ACE
Submission Name: Crawl into a quiet corner.....
