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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Mental Zoodots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Stwcjj
    ASL Info:    27/m/ny
    Elite Ratio:    5.69 - 327/149/13
    Words: 206
    Class/Type: Poetry/Comedy
    Total Views: 1365
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1356



    Description:
       I wrote this because I'm suffering from a lack of creativity on the other stuff that I'm working on :)...Anyways, hope you like it.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMental Zoodots
    -------------------------------------------


    Although this is not an acid trip
    (I know that's what some of you will think)
    I ease back in your comfy chair,
    Responding to your ink.

    An Orange Elephant I explain,
    responding to blob one,
    he stealthily moves into my dryer,
    and thinks it all good fun.

    You look at me with both brows raised
    and ask me to elaborate.
    This tiny klepto steals one sock,
    and brings it to his mate.

    Shaking your head you turn the page,
    it reminds me of a Sheep.
    I explain about my insomnia,
    and how I tried to sleep.

    As you pick up the phone to call your friends,
    these fluffy fiends I describe.
    Biting, dancing, slamming into walls,
    recruiting for their sadist tribe.
    <shudder>

    While fitted with my brand new coat,
    the one with extended arms,
    I tell you of the Giant Pink Bunnies
    and all their gracious charms.

    You may thnk these Cutesy Beasts,
    are kind and full of care.
    But guard your pockets full of change,
    even rabbits pay subway fare :'(

    Now locked up in my new apartment,
    inside my mental zoo,
    I look across the padded room and see,
    Roger Daltrey and The Who.





    Submitted on 2005-04-21 18:19:16     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      Whimiscal and funny, good show. It has vivid phrasing and great visualization of a person that suffers from sleep deprivation.

    The visions they see dance amongst the planes of reality and the immagination.

    However the best part also happens to be the conclusion where you talk about Roger Daltrey and The Who. that share the same padded room.
    | Posted on 2005-05-16 00:00:00 | by Unicrom | [ Reply to This ]
      this was extremely enjoyable and I can just see you in your straightjacket at Bellevue! at least half of us really belong there too! this was very creative and the rhyming was great. I only noticed maybe two spots where it might be a tad off-nothing to worry yourself over. it didn't detract from the whole piece. what a great write!
    | Posted on 2005-05-14 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]
      Are you sure someone didn't slip you somethin' ?
    i liked this...felt the trippy insomniac vibe.
    liked the way you described everything...
    okay, now i'm done reading everything you have here and so you need to post more :)
    CC
    | Posted on 2005-04-28 00:00:00 | by C. Starr | [ Reply to This ]
      Alice in Wonderland is one of my most favorite stories & this was like a male, modern version! I LOVED "IT"!
    I also thought of a Beck song or a Pink Floyd song?!
    You rock! Trippy! Love, Peace, Joy! great day 2 u!
    | Posted on 2005-04-27 00:00:00 | by Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      I think I live in the same zoo (mental).
    Sounds like you're sitting on the "couch" getting your mind checked in this one..
    I guess the "good doctor" didn't find your hilarious visions very funny? LOL
    I love the way you wrote this and the many things you brought out in it.. It's cute, original, and entertaining. An enjoyable read.
    ~Sandra
    | Posted on 2005-04-26 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ]
      yeah see, i know who you are talking about. i don't raise my brows at you, i embrace you cuz i know them, i don't like them either ;) we'll get through it together. (squeezes you tighter) really though, this is great! i love that you talk about them now especially after mentioning it to me (and probabley others too) Lack of creativity my a**! from the girls side of it, i have this purple mouse that takes all my hair ties, i've seen him take one, he looked at me with this sh*t a** grin on his face and ran away with my only ORANGE hair tie. damn i'm gonna get him one of these days ;)

    jennifer
    | Posted on 2005-04-22 00:00:00 | by _winky_ | [ Reply to This ]
      A very entertaining read, you have some very witty one liners which make it even better...

    But guard your pockets full of change,
    even rabbits pay subway fare :'(

    I'm not sure if the poem was meant to be in a perfect rhythm/rhyme scheme, if it was then some of it doesn't fit perfectly. Even then it reads nicely so I wouldn't be too worried.
    | Posted on 2005-04-22 00:00:00 | by selfbetrayal | [ Reply to This ]
      As everyone else has stated- this was very enjoyable and entertaining. I really liked the poem's name- it intrigued me. Also, for some reason I particularly like the rabbits paying tolls lines. Keep this up. And if this is you with no creativity, I'd like to read you with that creativity flowing.
    -Katj
    | Posted on 2005-04-21 00:00:00 | by Katj | [ Reply to This ]
      Very good, and nicely unique, I love reading things that are different, there's so much sameness about a lot of poetry these days.
    This very complicated, yet easy to read, so top marks for combining those two elements in a witty, unusual poem
    Well done
    Be Happy
    Graeme
    | Posted on 2005-04-21 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      this is cute! it provided me with a great deal of entertainment. i like the use of <shudder> and :'(. usually people don't add sad faces to their poems, i guess cuz you can't really express a sad face when you're reading it (unless you make a sad face)... ok, i'm confused now, sorry. well, hopefully you'll feel your creative juices flowing soon. don't force it, just let it come to you.
    | Posted on 2005-04-21 00:00:00 | by Phoenix2004 | [ Reply to This ]
      Very comical. I had a good laugh. I enjoyed this piece. I happen to love comedy-type poetry, and you've pulled this one off without a hitch! I hope to read more from you soon, keep up the great work!

    *hugs a plenty*
    ~Avry~
    | Posted on 2005-06-08 00:00:00 | by SouthrnQT | [ Reply to This ]
      *comes over to tighten straight jacket*

    I think this may be getting a little bit loose...

    LOL

    This was very unusual. Yet, very fun to read. You really put yourself in a "mental" mood and went with it. Are you sure you were acting? LMFAO! Just playing!

    This was very good!

    Li Li
    | Posted on 2005-08-25 00:00:00 | by Munchie_1226 | [ Reply to This ]


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