Description: Written in honor of C. Flava of whom I am doing poetry challenges back and forth with. And yes, the title is a slight play on the Sting song, although that was not completely intentional.
Credits to alteredlife for hitting the nail right on the head in his feedback, and for helping me come up with an edit that truly fits the mood/emotion of the piece. Thanks!
Starting of a Brand New Day -------------------------------------------
Summer sunlight shines
Scarlet rose petals caress
To mark a new day
Ok not bad.. not spectacular.. but ok.. it kinda jumps from large to miniture to huge.. i mean.. first line about the sunlight (large) second about a rose (miniture) and third about the day.. (well sizeless really .. but i would say huge).. so i dont know if thats good or bad.. dont know anything about haikus. Yeh it creates an image in my head.. but not a magical special one that the "real" sunrise does. Maybe make it a little more abstract and magical.
Many Haikus are blah because it is so darn (i'm being polite here) difficult to open the doors to its world for the reader. I think this one gets that door open well enough ajar for the reader to get through. Boy that was a back-handed complement-heavy-handed analogy! Here's the world it opened up for me. The effect of the soft-toned alliteration in the first line is to have it whisk by, only to come to an emphatic halt at the center of the second line at Scarlet, a symbol of sexual immorality. It's as though nature's life-giving rays gave birth to us humans with all their human intrigue. Caressing adds to this sexual connotation while at the same time giving a motherly sentiment to the sun, almost as if nature were amused and knowlingly indulgent at our human concerns The rose petals alludes to a delicate beauty of human nature, creation and growth. "Marking" evokes a deliberate goal setting on the part of humans as if they set out to 'make' their mark in history, or are incessantly setting out anew. "A New day" gives it a feeling of constant revival and also a hopeful opportunity. As you can see this poem caught me off guard in its poignancy. Nice piece. :) Lator gator.
there is actually 8 syllables in your second line instead of the usual 7, but i hate the haiku police so don't worry about it. i think that in translation from Japanese to English, there is much leeway in haiku. they are not as easy to write as one might think, but i believe you did well with this one. it is simple and descriptive, the sun caressing the rose petals in the early morning. thanks for sharing.
It's a little difficult to give feedback on a haiku, as it is quite restricted and very short. However, I see no grammatical errors in your haiku, and you've kept the right syllables in tact. I'll just give you my thoughts. It seems as if you're describing a beautiful sunrise in the middle of June. Nature is a nice, gentle theme often used in haikus, and I felt you demonstrated this accurately in yours. However, I just felt the last line was a little forced (in a way), since it doesn't really continue the flow of the nature scene in the first 2 lines. It is a good ending, though, since it explains the haiku thoroughly and gives a fitting conclusion.
This is a nice one, though I would've liked more nature scenes.
You know, it's been mentioned but your second line has eight syllables. You could chop the 'ing' off 'caressing' and make it fit... to something like...
'Summer sunlight shines Scarlet rose petals caress To mark a new day'
- I inverted the syntax in your second line and chopped another 'ing' off your third line... 'ings' should be dealt away with as much as possible in my opinion, especially in such a short form as a haiku. And did you know that each line should stand by itself as a sort of mini-poem? What I mean is that the lines shouldn't flow onto the next... that's cheating in a way and totally kills the point of haiku. By changing those two lines I think I got past your subtle enjambment... even though it still flows, it's much more indirect, don't you think?
Anyways, just a few things to think about. I like haiku's - they make you think really hard about the definitive words to choose that will make the most overall impact.
I'm blabbing again lol. I hope this helped. Peace, Jase
Submission Name: Starting of a Brand New Day
