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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Laughdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: beatthedrum
    ASL Info:    55- F - Southern CA USA
    Elite Ratio:    4.18 - 881/810/122
    Words: 126
    Class/Type: Poetry/Comedy
    Total Views: 878
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 702



    Description:
       I am close to this one. There is a deeper point about laughter in it. However, I am curious about others impressions. Does it make you laugh? Do sense anything going on beneath the surface images?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLaughdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Laugh
    The light encountered me today.
    It needed to inquire.
    Where did you leave your laughter? Did you put it down to carry a heavy load?
    Have you forgotten where it sets?
    Look!
    Go look now to find a laugh.
    It is the key ring that opens your soul, releases the latch.
    Oh my dearest of dear ones, laugh.
    So I started by looking on my face, that is always a funny place.
    I closed one eye, crossed the other and made a fish mouth kiss, put up my hands for wings.
    Picture an overweight, flying, and fishy poet that can't see where she is going.


    Thank you for thinking about me today.




    Submitted on 2005-04-21 23:34:48     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I like this,laughing is really important and we should do it more often. People always say I laughed at the stupidest things, but thats ok because I'm feel good. It's nice to see someone share this appreciation for laughter such as myself.

    Take care and keep laughing :D.
    Violet
    | Posted on 2005-05-08 00:00:00 | by Winterbliss | [ Reply to This ]
      i'm going to be completely honest. this actually made me think first before it made me laugh.

    "Where did you leave your laughter? Did you put it down to carry a heavy load?
    Have you forgotten where it sets? "

    it made me think of all the times i couldn't laugh because i was too depressed, too stressed to even try to be happy.

    "It is the key ring that opens your soul, releases the latch."

    yes, laughter is good for the soul. really should try to laugh more often. i got down to the last few lines, and THEN i laughed.

    "I closed one eye, crossed the other and made a fish mouth kiss, put up my hands for wings.

    Picture an overweight, flying, and fishy poet that can't see where she is going."

    considering i have no idea what you like, i pictured myself with a fishy face on. it was hysterical. anyway, i think you accomplished what you set out to do. i laughed. great job. ...bb...

    XoXo
    ~TaY~
    | Posted on 2005-05-07 00:00:00 | by Phoenix2004 | [ Reply to This ]
      Of the three, I enjoyed this piece the most. It has a natural voice that I thought was just marvelous. There were two lines I'd suggest some revision on, and these were:

    "Have you forgotten where it sets?"

    and

    "Thank you for thinking about me today."

    The first line I want to say something like "have you forgotten where it was laid to rest?"

    and the last, "Thanks for thinking of me today."

    Both very minor edits. The enjambment in L4 seems a little out of place, though I notice this is a style you've adopted. Still, I feel this poem would be stronger if it were broken up a bit more . . .

    But as I said, all minor gripes about a good poem!
    | Posted on 2005-05-03 00:00:00 | by Vancrown | [ Reply to This ]
      Just from a practical standpoint (from my experience of reading this) I would go ahead and move "Did you..." to the next line. Essentially you have written a complete statement into each line break. The way that you leave "Laugh...Look! ...for wings." Isolated at the start of each next li9ne works well in exactly the way i am describing for the other. Line breaks and commas create pause. Carrying a thought over onto the next line also carries the mind (and eyes) of the reader along with it. Overall, this is well stated. Thanks for the read.
    Gotta tell you, i loved the start of this one:
    Laugh
    The light encountered me today.
    It needed to inquire.
    Where did you leave your laughter?
    Just wonderful...thanks for that.
    later, kc
    | Posted on 2005-04-25 00:00:00 | by twacky | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this...it is light hearted and nicely written, enjoyable. i like the line stw says is a little redundant. However i can see what he's saying, the reader needing to make the image for themselves. but i think this is something that probably makes you laugh and feel better about something hard to take when you read it so keep it the way it is. some poems just...are. they just exist and can't be changed without losing what we felt when we wrote them.

    Welcome to the site and good poem !
    CC
    | Posted on 2005-04-23 00:00:00 | by C. Starr | [ Reply to This ]
      Laugh
    The light encountered me today.
    It needed to inquire.
    Where did you leave your laughter?
    Did you put it down to carry a heavy load?
    Have you forgotten where it sets?
    Look!
    Go look now to find a laugh.
    It is the key ring that opens your soul,
    releases the latch.
    Oh my dearest of dear ones,
    laugh.
    So I started looking on my face, always a funny place.
    I closed one eye, crossed the other and made a fish mouth kiss,
    put up my hands for wings.
    Did you picture an overweight, flying, and fishy poet
    that can't see where she is going?

    Thank you for thinking about me today.
    | Posted on 2005-04-22 00:00:00 | by beatthedrum | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this. The last part gave me a chuckle, and I like the message too. Structurally, I think you might break up the longer lines into 2, and eliminate some unnecessary words, something like this:

    So I started by looking on my face,
    always a funny place.

    But that's your choice. Good write. :-)
    | Posted on 2005-04-22 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
      This made me smile this morning. It's good when we can laugh at ourselves. I think I'll spend the day looking for laughter... but then, with all the mirrors around I shouldn't have a problem finding it...lol. This was good. An enjoyable read.

    Take Care!
    ~Sandra
    | Posted on 2005-04-22 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ]
      Lol! After the first stanza I was kinda thinking "ummm...ok, where is this going" Then visualizing the one eye closed the other crossed with a fish mouth kiss, that DID make me laugh :)...the only suggestion I can think of is remove the line:
    Picture an overweight, flying, and fishy poet that can't see where she is going.

    Because if we can't visualize that without you telling us then what good are we ? :) And yes I was able to get a visual based soley on the previous lines. This makes that one line a wee bit redundant :)

    But this was very amusing :)

    keep writing

    Stw
    | Posted on 2005-04-22 00:00:00 | by Stwcjj | [ Reply to This ]
      Very interesting...This is the 'thinking laughter' kind of writing, and I love those....

    Each line is line a mini-statement in itself, and all are very thought-provoking....

    Then you get to the fish faces and I just couldnt help but laugh - first at you, making goofy faces, then at all of us, reading this, being all serious and thinking about the joy of laughter, the happiness it brings - and looking up from our thoughts and monologues to see the narrator pulling faces at us

    Great job, really enjoyed this!

    All the best,

    Katia
    | Posted on 2005-06-07 00:00:00 | by Katia | [ Reply to This ]
      The most honest and warm laugh I've ever laughed was one night not too long ago.. I woke myself up,, cos I was laughing in my sleep.. Its like I cought myself out.. gee..
    oh yes the poem.. nice.. I like uplifting happy poems the best.. this was cool.. um.. maybe im dumb but I didnt really pick up a huge amount underlying.. just that maybe people lose the ability to laugh.. really laugh..
    thanx for poem.. it made me smile...
    (and maybe chuckle a little)
    shaun
    | Posted on 2005-06-15 00:00:00 | by shanu | [ Reply to This ]


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