[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Mourning Youdots

    Author: blackpearl
    ASL Info:    21/f/OH
    Elite Ratio:    6.77 - 52/43/13
    Words: 41
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 1464
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 275

        In a memory of a very good friend of mine, dead now over four years.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMourning Youdots

    Bullet in my chest
    Lodged deep in my heart
    Gray shadow over everything I do

    Darkness in my head
    In the night
    With silence all around

    Footsteps on the blacktop
    Running fast
    From a fog that never leaves me

    Submitted on 2005-04-22 16:19:21     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      the stifling grasp that grief is able to hold on someone startles me... its unbelievable that even after time it still suffocates. its has been a year since my boyfriend ended his life and a lot of my writing is about what i am left with... my attempts to work through grief and feelings i am left with...

    i read this write and i was just wow... the way you have conveyed these feelings chokes me... i know this too well and i have this theory that if im suffering as much as i am that no one else should ever have to and yet i know that cannot be... i am sorry to hear of your friends death but i am glad you are able to write through some of your feelings...

    the way you wrote three very short stanza's gives the stanzas such a strong impact like each one is an individual bullet that pierces the heart... very powerful write.
    | Posted on 2005-05-07 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      I think the short-ness works, it makes it more brutal. This poem does not feel overdone or overworked; it has the virtue of just being honest, and gets the lingering nature of grief in few words. The straightforward-ness of it reminds me of Maya Angelou's poetry. That is what I think is good about the poem. I find the imagery (darkness, gray shadow etc.) is fairly obvious imagery to use in writing about death, but I don't really want to criticise something written from personal loss, and it's no great issue; I think it conveys what you want it to convey.


    P.S. yes, the book I read was by R.L. Frank; probably just has a different title in England.
    | Posted on 2005-04-23 00:00:00 | by SugarMouse | [ Reply to This ]
      This is so sad...*sigh* I'm sorry for your friend. Truly am. I can see that his/her death did in fact scar you quite a bit. I'm sorry to say I can't quite relate, cos I've never had a close friend die, but I can imagine your sorrow and wounds. It's like the memory of the person just never leaves you, hm...?

    There's an ocean of words you could have adorned this poem with, but the simplicity of the ones you chose makes the sadness sink in even more.

    Bullet in my chest
    Lodged deep in my heart
    Gray shadow over everything I do[...]

    I could keep on reading this out loud, it's so musical, it's got such a lovely beat to it. It was only broken a bit by the difference of the other two stanzas...but that's ok.

    U know...i am lovin' your poetry! i think u've just won yourself a stalker (if i manage to see how this stalking thing works, hehe).

    | Posted on 2005-04-22 00:00:00 | by silverdrika | [ Reply to This ]
      I know how you feel my bestfriend was murderd about 3 years ago and even though it has been that long I still cry from time to time in memory to him it's just the idea that i'll never see him again that makes me sad but i've tried moving on and not thinking about him as much but it's such a hard thing to do. I know it's hard to lose a friend but like my dad told me "Life goes on" but that didn't help none maybe it will help you better then it helped me. If you wanna read something about a friend you should read my poem"R.I.P. Tyrone" it's pretty good feel free to check it out and let me know what you think k. 1 love...sorry I must've starting ranting on again and forget to mention what I like about the poem I tend to that I start writting about something and forget stuff. Hold on i'm gonna read again so I comment this time and start ranting I really am sorry about that you probly think i'm a bad person or something huh?.......ok i've finished like I said it is a good poem and if I read correctly this poem makes me kinda sad and makes me flashback to how I was feeling when my friend passed.. but enough of that I don't wanna start ranting this is a good piece i'm sorry if I can't say more but here's some advice make it longer and show more emotion like completely open up more cause I feel taht you can make this poem better. Once again i'm extreamly sorry I feel like an ass right now. 1 love
    | Posted on 2005-04-22 00:00:00 | by C. Flava | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Skin of Fables written by ShadowParadox
    cleverly shunned written by CrypticBard
    Linger written by saartha
    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
    Pressure written by hybridsongwrite
    The Promise written by annie0888
    Deaf Dumb and Blind is no excuse written by poetotoe
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    Incubus written by monad
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    Hollow Points written by RequiemOfDreams
    Be Free written by hybridsongwrite
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    You Make Me speechless written by elephantasia
    A Sonnet for Nina written by SavedDragon
    Bond written by saartha
    Unfortunate Reality written by TeslaKoyal
    Wish written by Daniel Barlow
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Wasps written by Wolfwatching
    Hopelessly Blind written by ForgottenGraves
    Summer Nights written by ollie_wicked
    Wavelength written by saartha
    One Thing written by Wolfwatching
    Munyonyo written by expiring_touch
    Trails written by Daniel Barlow
    Treasure Chest written by PieceOfCake
    Giving written by jjd
    Song written by Daniel Barlow
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]