Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Mourning Youdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: blackpearl
    ASL Info:    21/f/OH
    Elite Ratio:    6.77 - 52/43/13
    Words: 41
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 1365
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 275



    Description:
        In a memory of a very good friend of mine, dead now over four years.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMourning Youdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Bullet in my chest
    Lodged deep in my heart
    Gray shadow over everything I do

    Darkness in my head
    In the night
    With silence all around

    Footsteps on the blacktop
    Running fast
    From a fog that never leaves me




    Submitted on 2005-04-22 16:19:21     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      the stifling grasp that grief is able to hold on someone startles me... its unbelievable that even after time it still suffocates. its has been a year since my boyfriend ended his life and a lot of my writing is about what i am left with... my attempts to work through grief and feelings i am left with...

    i read this write and i was just wow... the way you have conveyed these feelings chokes me... i know this too well and i have this theory that if im suffering as much as i am that no one else should ever have to and yet i know that cannot be... i am sorry to hear of your friends death but i am glad you are able to write through some of your feelings...

    the way you wrote three very short stanza's gives the stanzas such a strong impact like each one is an individual bullet that pierces the heart... very powerful write.
    | Posted on 2005-05-07 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      I think the short-ness works, it makes it more brutal. This poem does not feel overdone or overworked; it has the virtue of just being honest, and gets the lingering nature of grief in few words. The straightforward-ness of it reminds me of Maya Angelou's poetry. That is what I think is good about the poem. I find the imagery (darkness, gray shadow etc.) is fairly obvious imagery to use in writing about death, but I don't really want to criticise something written from personal loss, and it's no great issue; I think it conveys what you want it to convey.

    Becky

    P.S. yes, the book I read was by R.L. Frank; probably just has a different title in England.
    | Posted on 2005-04-23 00:00:00 | by SugarMouse | [ Reply to This ]
      This is so sad...*sigh* I'm sorry for your friend. Truly am. I can see that his/her death did in fact scar you quite a bit. I'm sorry to say I can't quite relate, cos I've never had a close friend die, but I can imagine your sorrow and wounds. It's like the memory of the person just never leaves you, hm...?

    There's an ocean of words you could have adorned this poem with, but the simplicity of the ones you chose makes the sadness sink in even more.

    Bullet in my chest
    Lodged deep in my heart
    Gray shadow over everything I do[...]

    I could keep on reading this out loud, it's so musical, it's got such a lovely beat to it. It was only broken a bit by the difference of the other two stanzas...but that's ok.

    U know...i am lovin' your poetry! i think u've just won yourself a stalker (if i manage to see how this stalking thing works, hehe).

    :*drika
    | Posted on 2005-04-22 00:00:00 | by silverdrika | [ Reply to This ]
      I know how you feel my bestfriend was murderd about 3 years ago and even though it has been that long I still cry from time to time in memory to him it's just the idea that i'll never see him again that makes me sad but i've tried moving on and not thinking about him as much but it's such a hard thing to do. I know it's hard to lose a friend but like my dad told me "Life goes on" but that didn't help none maybe it will help you better then it helped me. If you wanna read something about a friend you should read my poem"R.I.P. Tyrone" it's pretty good feel free to check it out and let me know what you think k. 1 love...sorry I must've starting ranting on again and forget to mention what I like about the poem I tend to that I start writting about something and forget stuff. Hold on i'm gonna read again so I comment this time and start ranting I really am sorry about that you probly think i'm a bad person or something huh?.......ok i've finished like I said it is a good poem and if I read correctly this poem makes me kinda sad and makes me flashback to how I was feeling when my friend passed.. but enough of that I don't wanna start ranting this is a good piece i'm sorry if I can't say more but here's some advice make it longer and show more emotion like completely open up more cause I feel taht you can make this poem better. Once again i'm extreamly sorry I feel like an ass right now. 1 love
    | Posted on 2005-04-22 00:00:00 | by C. Flava | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    55766

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    The Unicorn written by BlazeFlamme
    Cover written by saartha
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (6) written by endlessgame23
    mimicry written by expiring_touch
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    phantom limbs written by expiring_touch
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    Birds of a Feather written by poetotoe
    winners circle written by ShyOne
    Vortex: The Imagination That Is written by KeeperOfLight
    The Old Mill written by Wolfwatching
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    To the Devil and Candle written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Suffer The Children written by poetotoe
    Dream written by closetpoet
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Tartarus written by endlessgame23
    Records I written by Raphael
    i've missed written by mysalvation
    Deep Into A World Of Despair written by DeathTone
    Etiquette written by saartha
    Carry written by saartha
    Relativity written by poetotoe
    Journey written by endlessgame23
    My Four Seasons written by faideddarkness
    More then just goodbye written by faideddarkness
    Physician, Heal Thyself written by WriteSomething
    The World written by jjd
    Shut Up written by annie0888
    Still Perfectly Flawed written by armand

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry