If you look for the center of the universe, begin at the door marked heart.
But beware of the guard called self.
Her ego edge sword would rather behead you than let you in.
Romance may get you by.
Try feeding her until she belches and then removes herself to recline.
You might attempt lulling her to doze.
Better yet, wear her down. Invite her to dance. Let her get lost in the whirling trance.
As she staggers in dizziness, sneak in.
There seems to be something a tad bit preachy about this, though it's difficult to nail down exactly what's nagging at me. I've read it three times and still . . . maybe it's in the arrangement . . . or it's a "telling" poem rather than a "showing" poem, which could be it. Or the concepts over imagery . . . all in all, I'm sorry, I'm having trouble expressing just what it is. It was by no means a "bad" poem, and I fear this may be the impression I'm leaving you with . . . I just feel that something can be done to improve it. I may have to come back and try again . . . it escapes me and I'm letting you down, I know!
Ok wow scrolling down i can see people wrote alot aobut this and its just a few people. That thought is kind of scarey bc i know i dont have much to say , not bc i didnt like it though i thought that it was wonderful and kinda humurous. I really liked it i just wish someone would show me how to sneak in and in turn i wish to find that one person that i will let sneak in. It is tiresome being alone and its always nice to have someone to pick you up when you have fallen down. Anyway it was amazing i loved it.
Lol, I love this. The idea is wonderful, not a new topic though but the idea is wonderful. I would never imagine something like you just did. It was great.
The title is great. It captures the reader to wonder in and click that button and see what you have to offer. I must confess, i only like reading short poems when i don't like reading alot and this is one of those days. But usually i am not like that, i would of passed this poem straight out. There is nothing wrong with short poems though. don't get that impression.
About the structure, i don't think i like the structure to be honest. I felt very discouraged by it. Usually when i read a poem, every line is taken a breath to hear the words coming out of my lips. It was very hard for me to actually enjoy what i was hearing without having to think if it is coming out right.
One part i like though is your beginning. That captured me right away. There is no doubt in that. "If you look for the center of the universe, begin at the door marked heart. But beware of the guard called self. "
This was a wonderful beginning. i loved that. But i got lost in the feelings somewhere in the middle. I don't know, something was missing there. Felt like i was waiting for this line that tells me about yourself but i didn't really see it. But oh well, i still loved it.
You did great on this piece. Although there were things that i found out to be wrong (at least to me) but it might be right for you, so keep it just the way you want it cause it's yours. Anyhow, well done.
Doh! OK, I'm slow, but I finally get "beatpoet" And I'm yammering on about Kerouac and Ginsberg while you dance and drum and never mind, I'll go now. But first, this is an interesting piece. Speaking of a part of yourself, if not yourself, in the third person. The downside is that if you are a glass half empty guy like me, playing games with yourself means you always lose. Welcome to Elite Skills, Dave
Well, that was somehow really really interesting! I really am not sure whether I have read any of your poems before or not! I think I didn't! But I think after reading this one I'll try to read more of your poems at least to judge better.
And now about the poem itself; I think that this is a good poem indeed, of course the subject of the poem isn't new but the way it was presented was good and somehow innovative too (in my point of view), the poem is well written with nearly no spelling mistakes and that is a very important thing because I believe that spelling mistakes take alot from the beauty of any poem.
And I must talk about the tittle ( Guarded Heart ), which was very well chosen and captures the attention of the readers (it captured mine), and also the description which I believe to be a very important tool for the writer to use to capture the attention of the readers and to give a prior presentation to the poem and I think I really can't say wether you succeeded in doing that or not! Because I didn't understand what you wrote in the description from the first place! But at least you used it!
I think that the emotion was flowing all over the poem and the sincerity too! And that is a very important thing, as I believe that the key to the succes of any poem is how sincere is it and how was it presented to the reader and did it touch him in a way or another! Because that is what poetry is all about! It is all about translating our emotions in to words.
I also want to say that the poem was short (may be too short) and that doesn't help in giving a fair comment!
I liked the part that says
"You might attempt lulling her to doze. Better yet, wear her down. Invite her to dance. Let her get lost in the whirling trance."
And the last line "The finale", which didn't seem like a finale to me! I mean I was waiting for another line or may be another few lines or something! I don't know but I didn't find that line as a suitable finale!
"As she staggers in dizziness, sneak in"
Anyway I hope that my comment was somehow helpful to you and I'll end up my comment saying Good luck and keep it up.
I love this dance you invite the reader to participate in....gentle and swaying and seductive...
"If you look for the center of the universe, begin at the door marked heart. But beware of the guard called self. "
So beautiful, and so true....very introspective, and thought provoking....It makes me think of how we struggle with ourselves, and seek for others to create a universe for us, when really, we just need to be a little more patient with the guard that blocks the door....
And the fact that this guard does not need to be slain, or overfed, or drugged....just a dance, that feeling of being lost in a moment, and you can slip past and open that door...
This is true for ourselves as it is for those whose hearts we attempt to get closer to, and its beautiful....makes me want to go stand in the rain, and spin around, and dance....