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    dots Submission Name: Boxes for the Broken Hearteddots

    Author: Mithrandir
    ASL Info:    28/m/N.Y.
    Elite Ratio:    4.62 - 452/681/113
    Words: 211
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1230
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 802

       this isnt complete in my eyes, I still have two stanzas left to write but the words escape me. but I wanted to post this to get some feed back on it so please any thoughts are welcome even if its to say you dont undertsand what Im getting at with this piece. The name is only temporary but as I go on writting this piecxe I feel the name fits less and less

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBoxes for the Broken Hearteddots

    Such comforts were shared
    but they've been

    p a c
    a bottle of wine
    some used condoms
    4 hours of bliss
    k e d

    placed beside
    old pets

    F r a
    green eyes
    day dreams
    moments passed
    bed side words
    g i l e

    those kept locked
    close within
    cardiac walls

    as dead skin
    and dust

    s e t
    on yesterday
    broken glass
    your name
    a simple epitaph
    t l e

    Submitted on 2005-04-23 12:03:48     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Wow. I think this is complete as it is. The way you wove the words ... packed... fragile ... settle .. at the end of the stanzas was brilliant, really. It's like you "packed" your heartache into a box. This is a new fave. Very clever, and heart-breaking.
    | Posted on 2005-09-12 00:00:00 | by whisperslove | [ Reply to This ]
      well first off i agree with you title wise ...i just dont feel that the title fits...and i hope you add the last two stanzas because when i read this i feel like you have more to say...i feel like you stopped mid feeling...like having a conversation...but your just not sure what elseto say though you feel that you have more need to say more...i love the structure of this write...i could be toatally off but the feeling i got from this was you speaking of a relationship with someone...turning into nothing more than an average thing...like...nothing more than..sex...drunken conversation...and that feeling of not being in the right place with the right person when you wake the next morning...and it just ends up being another memory...amonst all the others...or i'm clueless...but that what i felt from it...and that you want more than that...its a beautiful piece so far and i hope to read the finished version...ange
    | Posted on 2005-04-29 00:00:00 | by purplesun24 | [ Reply to This ]
      the first stanza in packed it is really good
    i love little intimate insights into your life
    i like the green eyes of fraigle
    i want more from this poem too
    im not sure what
    but the dust and dead skin settling is a good image too
    its very unique and i really like it
    i hope you can add to it
    | Posted on 2005-04-25 00:00:00 | by scorpio sphinx | [ Reply to This ]
      Alright i wrote a critique and now i'm lost bc my [censored] comp messed up anyway... i loved this write its completely original and i understand where you are coming from though i can't help you out with your direction or words you could possibley use. All i can say is do not try and rush it even if it stays like this for a while , just wait until it feels right and when your heart flows so will your pen. That is when we are all at our greatest potential.
    | Posted on 2005-04-24 00:00:00 | by xPoetxBoyx | [ Reply to This ]
      I love this setup. It is really unique. I really enjoyed this piece. It was 100% original. It is one of a kind.

    I think you have a lot of talent here.

    F r a
    green eyes
    day dreams
    moments passed
    bed side words
    g i l e

    Good Job
    keep writing
    | Posted on 2005-04-23 00:00:00 | by XxStephyxX04 | [ Reply to This ]
      I get it. Very ... interesting.

    For me, it was easy to love. It has a very wistful, very dry tone.
    I didn't think anything needed to be changed, and would love to see the finished piece, if you add those two stanzas.

    Sorry that I can't give you a thorough comment... I like to go through and pick my favorite lines and tell why I like them, but I'd have to do that to the whole thing and I lack patience.

    It reminds me of something, of someone.

    | Posted on 2005-04-23 00:00:00 | by Alize | [ Reply to This ]
      I will say that your structure is intriguing. I don't think I have seen such a set-up before. At first I was a bit confused, then I understood what you were doing. I don't really like the part about the used condoms, I think you could find another phrase to describe the fleeting passion without being crass. I also think the phrase "cardiac walls" sounds too sterile and cold for the emotion that I feel you are trying to portray. I am lukewarm on this piece...I can't quite put my finger on what it is that I would do to change it. Drop me a line if you do any revisions, I would love to see it...Hope some of this helps...Magnolia
    | Posted on 2005-04-23 00:00:00 | by Magnolia | [ Reply to This ]
      I think the piece may not be going anywhere.
    Frankly, that is OK! It appears to me to be thoughts that are grouped by occurrence.

    I think it is alright for them to just be.

    I also enjoyed reading the lines in different order. Try reading just the first from each verse and then the second, etc.

    Simple but beautiful images.

    I look forward to seeing what else gets added.
    | Posted on 2005-04-23 00:00:00 | by beatthedrum | [ Reply to This ]
      K wel I don't reall know what to say to help you any. I have read something by you beofre I blieve... I think I am a little bit in love with this piece...
    "s e t
    on yesterday
    broken glass
    your name
    a simple epitaph
    t l e"
    That is just gorguos I must say. This whole piece is rather wonderful.
    | Posted on 2005-04-23 00:00:00 | by Cigarette Smoke | [ Reply to This ]

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