[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Thanatophobiadots

    Author: Cindergarden1
    ASL Info:    18 Male Sweden
    Elite Ratio:    4.69 - 43/58/17
    Words: 139
    Class/Type: Poetry/Angst
    Total Views: 1054
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 999

       This is the fictional story of a man that tries to remain young by staying well clear of responsibilites.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    Dawn shatters against her window
    Through the white plastic shutters
    And crawls over her body
    Laying still
    Unaware of morning
    My kisses still wet on her back
    Unaware of mourning
    Yet to come

    Wide awake
    In fear of age
    I try to hide my eyes
    From the unwelcome light
    Heralding my 9264th day
    Trying to remember the name
    Of the woman
    That came with the sex
    6:14 AM a dozen repressed years come knocking
    At a door I'd rather leave unopened

    What are you? The fucking ghost of christmas past?

    While feeding flames of justification
    With binary answers
    Reheated coffee grows cold yet again
    On her morning paper
    Sepia circles on vacancies
    I need somewhere to go
    Unaware of heartache
    Yet to come

    Ignorance is bliss
    Denial is not

    Submitted on 2005-04-23 18:44:56     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      In terms of what you proposed to accomplish with this peice "a man that tries to remain young by staying well clear of responsibilites." You've pulled it off well. Wish Mag. hadn't already commented on your wordplay with "morning" and "mourning", but just let me reiterate that it works well. She's right about the ghost of christmas past part too, though i'd leave "who are you" in and possibly add something more abstracted to it. Altogether a very enjoyable read. I will look for more of your stuff.
    later, kc
    | Posted on 2005-04-25 00:00:00 | by twacky | [ Reply to This ]
      I quite liked this piece. I like how you say in the first stanza that dawn crawls over her body. That was a nice image to me. You sound as though you are apathetic and numb from these encounters and are searching for a way to curb them. I also like the use of morning and "mourning"...The second stanza is interesting as well, but the part that I don't love is the italicized question about the ghost of Christmas past. I feel like it is just sticking out there and isn't really needed. These are just the opinions of a fellow writer trying to find her voice. Hope some of this helps...growing up sucks, eh? Magnolia
    | Posted on 2005-04-23 00:00:00 | by Magnolia | [ Reply to This ]
      Nothing very interesting going on in this poem. Between the lines reads sexual frustration left unexplained and still blaitantly uninteresting. what did that experience really mean to you?
    | Posted on 2005-04-23 00:00:00 | by Key Wester | [ Reply to This ]
      Very interesting and original imagery you have here. I especially like your twist with the word "morning," using it again as "mourning." Is this autobiographical, perhaps?

    My only real critique is that this poem doesn't really have a beat -- there are very long lines and very short ones. It would be more readable if they were evened out a bit.
    | Posted on 2005-04-23 00:00:00 | by blackpearl | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Trails written by Daniel Barlow
    This written by Chelebel
    Wavelength written by saartha
    Bond written by saartha
    Munyonyo written by expiring_touch
    Unfortunate Reality written by TeslaKoyal
    Be Free written by hybridsongwrite
    Wasps written by Wolfwatching
    Treasure Chest written by PieceOfCake
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    What happens written by Wolfwatching
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Transparent written by Daniel Barlow
    Hopelessly Blind written by ForgottenGraves
    Fathoms of the Lullaby Sea written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Summer Nights written by ollie_wicked
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon
    Push written by JanePlane
    The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon
    Wish written by Daniel Barlow
    Our Cinder Crisis written by SavedDragon
    It's Night Now written by RisingSon
    In My Head written by faideddarkness
    Pressure written by hybridsongwrite
    To Glow written by krs3332003
    Break Up written by WriteSomething
    A Sonnet for Nina written by SavedDragon
    To the King written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Skin of Fables written by ShadowParadox




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]