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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Beholderdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Shadows Life
    Elite Ratio:    4.4 - 127/127/27
    Words: 121
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 848
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 735



    Description:
       i dont know what i was thinking writing this poem i honestly think it isnt that good what i aimed for was to draw this picture of this man who watched everything through his life from the glorious of angels rising to the despairing sight of the fallen from the tears of men to the joys of life he would but watch and nothing else and now he dies and leaves nothing behind him noi name no deed he is banished to the realms of forgetfullness.


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    dotsThe Beholderdots
    -------------------------------------------


    watch the angels ascend into the sky
    watch the mortal man... watch him die
    watch the tears roll down his face
    watch the dark lord fall from grace
    watch the sands of time slowly unfold
    watch the mystries of rhyme remain untold
    and when your eyes grow tired and weary
    and when your soul is old and dreary
    then embrace your fate with open arms
    for you've not grasped life, nor its charms
    for you were content to watch and see
    lest you take this voyage through raging sea
    a cowards life you chose to lead
    and past your death lives no deed
    for you were but a spec of sand
    swept away to the cursed land...
    of forgetfulness




    Submitted on 2005-04-24 16:26:07     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Well for one, you pulled of what you were trying to pull off. It's funny how you can think something sucks compared to what you wanted it to be, but in other people's eyes, it's what you wanted it to be. This is well written and very imaginative. I can't think of anything negative to say about it.
    | Posted on 2005-04-24 00:00:00 | by HeavensDeceit | [ Reply to This ]
      I disagree. You're putting a message across, not rhyming, and I like it the way it is.
    Nice moral in here, don't be a watcher, do something to become immortal, I like it a lot.
    I liked your structure and the "no punctuation" style, although usually that irks me, it seemed to work here.
    Very well done,
    Be Happy
    Graeme
    | Posted on 2005-04-24 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      It was great-right up till the last line. That really sticks out like a sore thmb. Finish up on the rhyme and it would be terrific. That's the only thing wrong with it.
    | Posted on 2005-04-24 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]


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