Was it -------------------------------------------
The cold win twists and kills all the life
As if, with the Earth, is it's great strife
No mercy to mortal or those who are un
It shows no mercy until the war is won
Shadows destroy the venomous land
Is it killer or saviour, knife or kind hand?
The cold win stifles the evils of war
It leaves the villages begging fo more
So is it mystic joy or is it dark despair
Or is it neither in perfection's lair
The cold win? Those who are un? I'm guessing "begging fo more" is a typo. What's an un? What's a cold win? I agree the second line is poorly written. I don't think the title works. Other than what I've already pointed out, I think every other line is effectively worded (and that's an understatement). A war of vampires taking over the world, showing no mercy. Doom is upon us all- that's what I got from it.
first of all, second line makes no sense...as if, with the earth, is it's great strife...if you use commas, like you have, the parts of the sentence before and after the commas must still make sense, the word(s) between the two commas only give emphasis to the what you are trying to say outside the commas... anyways... I must admit, i dont read much vampire poetry, because...well...brace yourself...vampires arent real and stuff...but I can appreciate the thought that you put into what you have written, poetry is poetry, in its most basic sense...this piece, while short, yes, was still interesting to read, defenitely a piece of your mind, im sure, it makes one think just to read it, whether or not they agree...so, good work...just work on your grammar a little, you'll make vampires seem illiterate...lol
This isn't bad at all, a few typos maybe? A few confusing words that don't 'mesh', but for your age, you have a lot of talent, and you seem to know how to pour yourself, and your emotions into your poetry.
As this being the first poem I've ever read about vampires, It's deep, and understanding. As I myself love to read about Vampires and such. Great work, fix the typos etc...other than that, keep writing, the more you write, the better you become. I'll keep an eye out for your work ;)