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    dots Submission Name: Was itdots

    Author: Tekin_Kashami
    ASL Info:    18/male/Houston, Texas
    Elite Ratio:    4.39 - 131/77/23
    Words: 82
    Class/Type: Poetry/Vampire
    Total Views: 1262
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 473

       Short and (hopefully) deep...

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWas itdots

    The cold win twists and kills all the life
    As if, with the Earth, is it's great strife
    No mercy to mortal or those who are un
    It shows no mercy until the war is won
    Shadows destroy the venomous land
    Is it killer or saviour, knife or kind hand?
    The cold win stifles the evils of war
    It leaves the villages begging fo more
    So is it mystic joy or is it dark despair
    Or is it neither in perfection's lair

    Submitted on 2005-04-24 16:35:18     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      The cold win? Those who are un? I'm guessing "begging fo more" is a typo. What's an un? What's a cold win? I agree the second line is poorly written. I don't think the title works. Other than what I've already pointed out, I think every other line is effectively worded (and that's an understatement). A war of vampires taking over the world, showing no mercy. Doom is upon us all- that's what I got from it.
    | Posted on 2005-04-24 00:00:00 | by fo | [ Reply to This ]
      first of all, second line makes no sense...as if, with the earth, is it's great strife...if you use commas, like you have, the parts of the sentence before and after the commas must still make sense, the word(s) between the two commas only give emphasis to the what you are trying to say outside the commas...
    I must admit, i dont read much vampire poetry, because...well...brace yourself...vampires arent real and stuff...but I can appreciate the thought that you put into what you have written, poetry is poetry, in its most basic sense...this piece, while short, yes, was still interesting to read, defenitely a piece of your mind, im sure, it makes one think just to read it, whether or not they agree...so, good work...just work on your grammar a little, you'll make vampires seem illiterate...lol

    | Posted on 2005-04-24 00:00:00 | by nwproud | [ Reply to This ]
      This isn't bad at all, a few typos maybe? A few confusing words that don't 'mesh', but for your age, you have a lot of talent, and you seem to know how to pour yourself, and your emotions into your poetry.

    As this being the first poem I've ever read about vampires, It's deep, and understanding. As I myself love to read about Vampires and such. Great work, fix the typos etc...other than that, keep writing, the more you write, the better you become. I'll keep an eye out for your work ;)

    *hugs a plenty*
    | Posted on 2005-06-15 00:00:00 | by SouthrnQT | [ Reply to This ]

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