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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Ocean of Defeatdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Jessa
    ASL Info:    29/f/pa
    Elite Ratio:    3.73 - 221/209/73
    Words: 304
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Depressed
    Total Views: 1188
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1779



    Description:
       Drowning in guilt


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOcean of Defeatdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Back at the begining
    Choking- still swimming
    Thought I reached sandy shore
    Thought I was done playing the whore
    When did the water get so deep
    How did I turn out to be the creep
    I paddle through chaos and agony
    With the brutal waves crashing in back of me
    Water pours down and invades my lungs
    I had a dream I was sentenced to be hung
    My family waved goodbye
    But they never ever seen me cry
    That son-of-a-bitch stole my integrity
    Now hell's gates open and beg for me

    This ocean bleeds torment and hate
    It washes away what we thought was fate
    Fate took a dive and killed your only friend
    Now you stand at the edge and scream for the end

    I was walking on needles with no shoes on my feet
    They claim the war is over but i've yet seen defeat
    I don't believe when they say i've had enough
    Freedom's around the corner when they take off the cuffs
    But this ball and chain is still holding me back
    I'm asking for peace, I don't want to attack
    I found a rock heavier than my pain
    I tied it to my ankle and fell with the rain
    I hit the water with no air in my chest
    For this is the way you could love me best
    The point of murdering all that is real
    Is to fight off the demons who cause us to feel

    Now I'm swimming through hell with no one to love
    But I can still feel your tears as they fall from above

    This ocean bleeds torment and hate
    It washes away what we thought was fate
    Fate took a dive and killed your only friend
    Now you stand at the edge and scream for the end




    Submitted on 2005-04-24 16:54:23     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Wow, the whole imagery of the waves is uber-cool. One comment i had was that the beginning of the second to last stanza's imagery seems uniquely out of sink with the rest of the poem. I noticed all phrases stop at the end of you lines, making the flow rather monotonous. Try playing around with enjambements a little now and then. It's a story yet there seems to be a part missing when you jump from a ball and chain holding you back and the rock u use to help drown yourself. Honestly, though all in all, it's really nice poetry. Peace. Oh how cd i forget i absolutely loved "Now Hell's gate's open and beg for me."
    | Posted on 2005-04-25 00:00:00 | by razmohin2 | [ Reply to This ]
      its a good piece,theres alot of really good imagery in it.the picture it painted seemed...almost dali-esque.there was good flow thorughout,which is an amazing feat in itself since there were several ideas in this poem (at least,it seemed like there were,to me) overall,bravo,a job well done.

    <3MiA
    | Posted on 2005-04-24 00:00:00 | by FaerieTale | [ Reply to This ]
      This was very good. I loved how the whole thing flowed and the words/images you used it it. I'm so going to put this on my favs and hope you write more soon.
    | Posted on 2005-04-24 00:00:00 | by Akili | [ Reply to This ]


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