its an ok poem...the rythm was really off..and you went from a forced ryhme to none at all..which was a bit strange. The idea was good and original..however i felt that the end was lacking something..you just need to bransh off more and spiff this piece up.
I haven't read the other two parts to this but this piece seems incomplete or not completely developed. Perhaps with the other two poems it makes more sense. My other suggestion is to becareful that your work does not turn into rants with the use of "I" too much, but as I said I haven't read all three pieces. As Emo has already commented you have a good strong structure, so I think as soon as I get a minute I'll read the other two pieces then read this again. jan
Overall, this is pretty good. Nothing is really great, but the only thing that stands out is the last line. It doesn't fit with the rhythm or rhyme of the rest of the poem, and it just doesn't seem like an ending. You're going to want a really strong ending, especially if this is a three-part set. Nice job though!