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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Neptune Says Goodnightdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: ACircuitShock
    ASL Info:    18/M/WA
    Elite Ratio:    3.53 - 221/243/40
    Words: 271
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1137
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1867



    Description:
       I haven't really written for a while, so I may be alittle rusty. This is just a story, a story of a man and his death at sea. But I feel that death is not always bad.

    Anyway, tell me what you think. As always, any comments or criticism are always welcome.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsNeptune Says Goodnightdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Black, this onyx night.
    Wraith-like clouds contort into dreamscapes.

    Black, this obsidian sea.
    A living, frothing, cutting slate
    Which bereaves the air and denies it of contact.

    Falling, this sailors heart;
    A twisting, turning, frightened thing.
    Swimming in and out of conciousness
    In rhythmic, seamless transitions.

    He joins a dance,
    A dance with chance;
    A bold, bloody rendezvous
    With Posiedon in the dark.
    Step one, step two,
    The music whirls like the cosmos
    And keeping up is a feat in itself.
    Slipping, failing, falling
    Is a mistake never forgotten
    And mercy is a lie.
    He will be sent down
    Into a frigid stoppage of time;
    Sent to drown
    Into an oppresive azure night.

    What god, what riches, what maiden afar
    Could bring this wretched man
    To this cold and feral sea?

    This beast, This mammoth,
    A monster untamed.
    Wrath as pure as chaos
    With a fortress as a will.
    Neptune keeps his leash short,
    But the latch is quickly released
    Sending gnashing, wailing teeth
    To rip through bone and sinew
    Without thought nor feeling
    To the dying and the innocent.

    The old man,
    He turns to face the gods,
    With neither fear nor regret.
    His face is niether sorrow nor joy,
    Merely the calm of certainty.
    For soon, he will dine with his fathers,
    Soon, he will be in the the company of friends and foes alike.

    On that great mountain, protruding from the sky,
    Neptune will send him a wink,
    A flash of pointed teeth,
    And set out the finest wine.

    For this old frail man,
    He died trying.




    Submitted on 2005-04-25 20:09:34     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      oh my god, that is one of the most beautiful poems I have yet to come across on this site. I love your description, it brings the pictures so vividly into my mind, as though they were burned their with a redhot iron. It pulses with passion. Your refferences to Poesidion just make it come all the more alive.
    | Posted on 2005-05-12 00:00:00 | by Mimevas Lemqi | [ Reply to This ]
      What an awe inspiring tapestry of words you have woven with this piece my friend.
    One can almost feel the waves pounding the starboard hull as the images jump out of the monitor.
    Brilliant!
    Entrancing!
    thanks for the escape!
    YOU FREAKIN ROCK!
    D.A.T.
    | Posted on 2005-05-10 00:00:00 | by Deep Ace Thinks | [ Reply to This ]
      my gosh...it has been so long... and what relief and joy it is to read your poetry once more. this is an amazing piece... you know just how to make me feel so insecure in your descriptions by saying you "might be a little rusty." lol... You? rusty? NEVER! this is simply awesome! your words have really given a heightened feeling to your meaning and your vocabulary has improved even more than it used to be (which was a lot as well). please, never stop... keep up the wonderful writing...
    xoxo dandan
    | Posted on 2005-05-10 00:00:00 | by Dandan | [ Reply to This ]
      I love it! And it's SO good to see something from you! Glad you're back! My only suggestion would be to replace "chance" with "risk" in the 4th stanza. It just seems to fit better in my mind. There were a couple minor typoes which I will point out for you. I believe that "denys" in the 2nd stanza should be "denies". I'm wondering if "releashed" in the 6th stanza is supposed to be "released"? Also inthe 6th stanza, "teath" should be "teeth" and "they" I'm thinking was supposed to be "the".

    So anyway, I really liked this! The first through the fourth stanzas were my favorites, but it was all great. Well done!
    | Posted on 2005-04-28 00:00:00 | by AngelOutlaw | [ Reply to This ]
      wow, i was intranzed during the whole thing, i didnt have to try to keep reading. The topic was different, un-thought of, unexpected. The flow was good and your wording was very nice.

    I enjoyed it-
    jen
    | Posted on 2005-04-28 00:00:00 | by joy7542 | [ Reply to This ]


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