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A Poem2

Author: Malcolm Bishop
Elite Ratio:    2.09 - 355 /189 /39
Words: 218
Class/Type: Poetry /Longing
Total Views: 1557
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1359


A Poem2

He gripped the white yarn with a youthful strength,
the apple-green balloon danced on the gusts.
The boy walked alone for a quiet length,
he was alone,in his hand,the only friend he could trust.

He pulled down his pal into the crook of his arm,
turning off the path, he went through the trees.
Protecting his pal from sharp branches meaning harm,
the wind mussed his hair,the yarn trailed in the breeze.

Young Samual made his way to the edge of the wood,
in the clearing was a lake covered in dawns' mist.
The air moved over his face, for a quiet time he stood,
Samual thought of his mother whom he dearly missed.

He let the balloon loose, held the yarn tight,
the boy smiled as it rose with grace.
The winds picked up,the balloon began to fight,
he lost his grip, Samual gave chase.

He ran a few paces, but it was no use,
the apple-green balloon sought the expanse.
With tears blurring his vision, a kaliedoscope view,
to say "good-bye" he never had a chance.

His chin pointed upward as his friend disappeared,
the boy had a thought, his eyes dried.
For distant days he had nothing to fear,
he had loved and been loved, his eyes need not cry.

Submitted on 2005-04-26 04:52:34     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  Hey there, thought I'd take a look at some of your stuff while I was on your page. I like the whole 'story-poem' thing. Most of the stuff I write is pretty similar (in for if not in content). If you have the time, check out 'Crippled Creek' on my page. It's long, but has a similar structure to this (though I usually use more line breaks).

I like the images you use in the piece (the pond at dawn, the green balloon seeking the "expanse") and the rhyme is dead on. The rhythm bucked me in a few spots, but that may just have been because it wasn't what I was expecting. My favorite bit you have here is:

"He let the balloon loose, held the yarn tight,
the boy smiled as it rose with grace.
The winds picked up,the balloon began to fight,
he lost his grip, Samual gave chase."

As for possible ways to improve the poem, I think there were a few phrases that seemed a little out of place to me (i
"his eyes need not cry," and "to say good-bye he never had a chance"). The way you've written the sentences seems as if it's been done to fit the rhyme scheme. This isn't the case in the first four stanzas, where your rhyming seems more natural and unforced. I'd say to make the last two stanzas more like the first four, as long as you can do it without twisting your meaning. But then, what do I know?

Good images and writing. Well done.
| Posted on 2005-06-01 00:00:00 | by DevilDinosaur | [ Reply to This ]
  I really like this poem & the meaning behind it. Very nice. Also, thanks for commenting on my poem Honesty. I appreciate it. :-)
| Posted on 2005-04-28 00:00:00 | by BlueEyedGirl16 | [ Reply to This ]
  This is really good. Saw through a child's eyes. It seems, as in letting the balloon go, he was finally able to accept his mother's death. Giving him a chance to say goodbye at last. You brought that out so poetically. A lovely and touching write.
It reads and flows well. Very nicely done. An enjoyable read. The last line wrapped it up beautifully.
Take Care!
| Posted on 2005-04-27 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ]

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