Hmm I decided to read this one, because like I read the title is dad.. I think that is a special word to me, cause just recently I lost my dad.. Who I loved so much... By reading this, I thought it would be something without anger, but I understand in somewhat way..
My dad would always say things, just like it says in here, but usually they wouldn't come true... or become real.. But thats just my dad... he just wanted us to be happy, and he had good ideas doing so.. to me he was not like anybody I know. Nor I doubt I will ever meet someone like him..My dad knowing alot of people young and old, usually the young wanted to look up to him, and someday to become somewhat of what he is... I know how I siad that he said a lot of things, that never came true, but he also made a lot of things happen... How many people do you know, would just go up to a person and talk to them, asking how their day was... without it being sacastic or funny... or go and look at boring cars... lol.. he would do lots of crazy things.. Sometimes alittle embarrassing ok, really embarrassing.. When my dad wanted to know something he would try to find his anwer, when he disagreed with something, he would fight and share his opinion... well one day when I was coming home ffrom a faraway basketball game.. He saw a car and some random place, and knocked on the ddoor, and ask questions about that car.. .while me, my sister, and mom were in our car ducking our heads.. he was just some loving person... I just miss him so much... But I know how I am saying all this stuff about my dad, and stuff.. but I hope you get the deal that I miss him alot.
My advise to you, Maybe its not your fault for whatever you dad did to you. No matter how many lies he told you, or w/e.. its always good to be there for him and love him... cause all through my liife I wasn't close with my dad. This past yr I thought I was getting close to him, by talking and do fun stuff with him... but than a moment where I didn't expect it... he was gone.. I never new it would happen, but it did.. he died in an instant.. so there was nothing we could do.. although he didn't die in pain which was something that is good.. But I learned something, he always forgave people, and right and there I wanted to be more like him... So I wasn't talking to this one person for months, and I decided that day that I wanted to make up with her...
So my advise, don't stay mad at you dad, if he rejects you, I know it would be tough, but the worst thing is not to talk to him or hate him.. ... I would say more.. but I feel like I am just babbling...
I think your poem was good... but all I would do is just not be mad at him.. than again while I reread this.. it might not be about you or your dad, or about someone going through this.. but who knows.. I just hope somehow you will get through it, and somehow make up... or try to get close... Some how..
Children always get the [censored]ty end of things! They don't know how to handle situations and all they want is for mommy and daddy to both love them. They don't understand why either one chooses over them. Poor kids.
In refrence to the middle stanza, usually I don't like the repetition of words in so close a proximity, but I think that by using variations of the word "waiting" you're emphasising the fact that you are put on hold.
Punctuation, Flava, would help this a bit. ^_^ I really like the idea behind this. My own father bailed on my sister and I when we were little, but in the last couple years he's been trying to find us again (we move alot, so it's not very easy), and though my sis is all excited and kinda wants to meet him-I can remember him-she can't, she doesn't know what hes like. *Sigh* Fathers suck.
this poem has a lot of emotion behind it, and it's interesting stylistically- because most of it sounds rather dialogue-ish, and then the middle stanza rhymes... but one thing is that you're kind of vague. What you say is that the father lied, that he's a bad father. Now, far be it for me to tell you how to write a poem (you've obviously got a nice grip of it yourself), but you might want to show, and not tell. Although maybe what you're channeling is a teen's frustration and communication barrier when talking with adults? The way it can be hard to say what you mean to your parents, and instead revert to things like "You're not fair" "You're a bad parent" instead of saying what it is that causes this opinion. It sounds like I just want you to air your dirty laundry, if you know what I mean, but that's not what I'm getting at. Try to give readers something tangible to remember, rather than obscurities. However, a vague style sometimes works out better than the confessional style- it can let more people connect if it's not addressing a certain incident. But really, good job. Although it looks like I was bashing it, I really like it.
Well, that was somehow really really interesting! I really am not sure whether I have read any of your poems before or not! I think I didn't! But I think after reading this one I'll try to read more of your poems at least to judge better.
And now about the poem itself; I think that this is a good poem indeed, of course the subject of the poem isn't new as I read some poems before discusing the same subject but the way it was presented was good and somehow innovative too (in my point of view), the poem is well written with nearly no spelling mistakes unless "your" in the second line in the first stanza, and it should be "you are" or "you r"! And that is a very important thing because I believe that spelling mistakes take alot from the beauty of any poem.
And I must talk about the tittle ( DAD ), which was very simple and still very well chosen and captures the attention of the readers (it captured mine), and also the description which I beleive to be a very important tool for the writer to use to capture the attention of the readers and to give a prior presentation to the poem and I think you somhehow done that (P.S: I have no idea about the other poem you talked about, so I'm judging only based on this one!).
I think that the emotion was flowing all over the poem and the sincerity too! And there were a mix of emotions in this poem as I sensed Longing, Anger, and even Love too! And about it being sincere I think that is a very important thing, as I believe that the key to the succes of any poem is how sincere is it and how was it presented to the reader and did it touch him in a way or another! Because that is what poetry is all about! It is all about translating our emotions in to words.
I also want to say that the poem was short and that really doesn't help in giving a fair comment!
I liked the second stanza the most saying;
"Keeping your son waiting Alone by the front door Knowing he's still waiting And will wait forever more"
I really liked those last words specially the last line!
Anyway I hope that my comment was somehow helpful to you and I'll end up my comment saying Good luck and keep it up.
I think I detect a little anger in this, something that might stem from real life experiences.. I can relate to something like this because I have always had a hard time with my own father.. Granted I am female, but I know how this feels.. To always wait for that word of praise and love, and to never get it.. The words of this piece are very powerful in their simplicity, and the emotion is very powerful as well.. There's only one thing I can think of that doesn't quite work and that is the general flow of it.. It felt jagged as I read it.. Loved it anyway though..
yess. I can sense anger in this peice, but as storm said, it is contstricted within the rhyme and the format. I think you should pretned the blank page is his face and then scribble mean lines all over it. Thats my suggesstion. and thanks for your comment on "kill that b-itch". Its suppose d to be funny becase I am talking about the feminsist revoltion while tlaking about how we women are too busy clawing eachothers eyes out. I chnged the type for humor to satire.. more approprate eh? anyway much love. and vent more please