Description: Okay, look, I was... well it looks like nonsense, but I had a point. It's about people masking their feelings by enveloping themselves in the day-to-day, mundane stuff. Like the last line, I was just going to say 'old', and then I was like, well that isn't consistent.
It's like she was on the brink of being honest with herself but alas...
...she decided to focus on totally random trivialities.
Some lady I wrote a poem about -------------------------------------------
She feels old.
She feels unloved.
She feels like Mexican food tonight, dear.
She feels frustrated
She feels disappointed
She feels that her baby shower gift was underappreciated.
She feels poor
She feels mean
She feels that Maureen Dowd’s editorial this week was quite scathing.
But most of all
She feels old…
…issues of National Geographic should be saved.
ok well i read this before the description, and your efforts aren't in vain. i quite enjoy this actually, especially the last lines flowing into each other, not just for the sake of quirky double-meanings but because it's epitome of what the poem's talking about. I think that "scathing" doesn't quite work as well... she feels poor and mean, and when you say she thinks the editoral was scathing, it sounds like she's almost offended. it's a complete reversal of attitudes, and when masking emotions, the emotion is still there, just the cause/effect is changed within someone's frame of mind. so... sorry for getting all semi-psychological on you- i really did enjoy this piece, but being so minimalist, every word counts, and i thinks it could be perfect with just a single word change. but that's just my opinion.
Yes, at times we girls just feel like victims. Our creative minds just go right down the drain and we sit there in the bend, not even smart enough to flush right on through. Great job on this though I would use one "she feels" in a strophe as it seems inferred. Funny write, this woman wouldn't be happy if we hung her with a new rope. Just kidding! peace and love, nansofast
potential like the earth vibrating before a herd of gazelle crosses. you are a stampede waiting to happen. but i am guessing that you already are aware of this. i've saved Nat'l Geos since i was five. i like the way the ads kitschify themselves like chrysalises in my bottom drawer over the years. i take up scissors and make frightening iconic collages like pope john paul reflected by Alf and flanked by that burning monk from Vietnam and the Halle-Bopp cult leader. my favorite collage has Princess Diana in the centre crucified with the Poky Little Puupy at her feet...hmmm. what was i rabbitting on about? i lost my train of thought...oh saving the Nat'ls...are you considered old if you save them in order to deface them? is it a unilateral rule? golly, i do hope not.
this is a pretty sweet write. it had my attention throughout. your descriptive clues prior to the piece were insightful and interesting. i can see her 'honesty' showing through in what she attempts to hide behind. mexican food/old(ancient,commomplace)/unloved(see commonplace,not surprising), shower gift/frustrated(ive never bought a shower gift, but gifting other occasions often finds me frustrated and disappointed for various reasons), scathing editorial/poor(in kind spirits)/mean(ill desires or wishes) and finally old and national geographic in the same thought...that was obvious. very good write.
She feels old. She feels unloved. She feels like Mexican food tonight, dear.
that is such an original thought, haha, such an original feel to it. i love it. it makes me think that she literally feels like 'eating' mexican food tonight,, but also that she in fact feels 'old' and 'unloved' like mexican food. although mexican food does not feel that way it reinforces your point of covering up a true personality with mundane arbitrary things... its like watching tv. sorry if im not making any sense here.
She feels frustrated She feels disappointed She feels that her baby shower gift was underappreciated.
hahahhahah this part makes me laugh. im not sure what to say about this. such small lines like 'she feels that her baby shower gift was underappreciated' just adds so very much to the character and the feel of the poem in general. its kind of sarcastic while being brutally honest.
She feels poor She feels mean She feels that Maureen Dowd’s editorial this week was quite scathing.
i really like how specificly vauge these lines are. you give no indication of why she feels poor or mean, i think that demonstrates your point quite well.
But most of all She feels old… …issues of National Geographic should be saved.
this part is pure gold. hahaha again demonstrating your point. love how ou say she feels old... issues of national geographic should be saved. that further shows she distracts herself. great write you have got some elite skills. pardon the cheesy joke.
I really liked the humor here, but i feel you can drop some of those repeated "She feels-" and it will read better. You want to hold the reader's attention to the end, -for the punch line. I thought this was very good humor, and describes some people i know for sure!
u have a point in the poem I agree. but u need to work on the form. Ur poem is out of rythm in the 2nd and 3rd stanzas mostly. Work on restuting the rythm and you got something there. I like the rhyming last verses of stanzas 2 and 4. But on the whole not bad.
For some reason I really liked this... It really seems like something I would normally hate/laugh at then just leave the page and say nothing. But I felt like commenting. Something about this made me enjoy it... I did not who ever enjoy this line "She feels that Maureen Dowd’s editorial this week was quite scathing." I love the first stanza though.