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    dots Submission Name: Freedots

    Author: Silencer
    ASL Info:    25/m/AL
    Elite Ratio:    3.91 - 52/66/29
    Words: 92
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 778
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 466

        Anyone ever wish they didn't have to put up with someone =P

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    Oh how I miss to be free.
    My heart yearns for the chains to be broken.
    I am a child of the wind...
    I go where my feet take me so just let me be.
    So foolish of me to do such a thing.
    To give such a question knowing of the answer...
    When I break this chain I will dash into the warm night and sing!
    Ah the feeling I miss so much to be free.
    Why did I close my eyes?
    Better yet, why did I open them to see?

    Submitted on 2005-04-26 22:17:40     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      this is a good poem which needs expansion. I think i get the poem by the title itself but honestly it needs expansion. You just long to be free. Is that it? is there nothing more to it that you want to say?

    I don't know if this is the theme about someone you been with a while and you just wished that you'd have some freedom from that person, then i can relate totally with you.

    I got this guy i am with two years now and somedays i just wish i could have this freedom to do what i feel like doing without thinking whether i'd be hurting his feelings or not.

    But anyhow, back to the poem, if that's the theme, then really expand it. Just a suggestion though. Don't think i am ordering here...lol. If you feel that it flows perfectly, keep it just the way you want it.

    My suggestion however, is to structure it somehow. your emotions are there but there are all over the place and it just seems like you threw them in the lines without being organized. It seems also like a thought you were having and just wanted to write it on paper so that you'd feel a bit relieved. But that's just a thought.

    The first line is nice and simple, but it didn't really kick me off my feet. I was still sitting there and wondering what's the next line. i don't know, i am thinking something like:
    "Oh, how i miss the sweet taste of freedom"
    but i don't know, it's up to you.

    i like these lines:
    Why did I close my eyes?
    Better yet, why did I open them to see?

    The poem is good, only it needs a bit of expansion. seems like you weren't finished with what you started.

    Anyhow, good job. Keep writing.
    | Posted on 2005-04-27 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]

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