[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Freedots

    Author: Silencer
    ASL Info:    25/m/AL
    Elite Ratio:    3.91 - 52/66/29
    Words: 92
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 766
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 466

        Anyone ever wish they didn't have to put up with someone =P

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    Oh how I miss to be free.
    My heart yearns for the chains to be broken.
    I am a child of the wind...
    I go where my feet take me so just let me be.
    So foolish of me to do such a thing.
    To give such a question knowing of the answer...
    When I break this chain I will dash into the warm night and sing!
    Ah the feeling I miss so much to be free.
    Why did I close my eyes?
    Better yet, why did I open them to see?

    Submitted on 2005-04-26 22:17:40     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      this is a good poem which needs expansion. I think i get the poem by the title itself but honestly it needs expansion. You just long to be free. Is that it? is there nothing more to it that you want to say?

    I don't know if this is the theme about someone you been with a while and you just wished that you'd have some freedom from that person, then i can relate totally with you.

    I got this guy i am with two years now and somedays i just wish i could have this freedom to do what i feel like doing without thinking whether i'd be hurting his feelings or not.

    But anyhow, back to the poem, if that's the theme, then really expand it. Just a suggestion though. Don't think i am ordering here...lol. If you feel that it flows perfectly, keep it just the way you want it.

    My suggestion however, is to structure it somehow. your emotions are there but there are all over the place and it just seems like you threw them in the lines without being organized. It seems also like a thought you were having and just wanted to write it on paper so that you'd feel a bit relieved. But that's just a thought.

    The first line is nice and simple, but it didn't really kick me off my feet. I was still sitting there and wondering what's the next line. i don't know, i am thinking something like:
    "Oh, how i miss the sweet taste of freedom"
    but i don't know, it's up to you.

    i like these lines:
    Why did I close my eyes?
    Better yet, why did I open them to see?

    The poem is good, only it needs a bit of expansion. seems like you weren't finished with what you started.

    Anyhow, good job. Keep writing.
    | Posted on 2005-04-27 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Love Can Be... written by HAVENSMITH92
    Transparent written by Daniel Barlow
    Linger written by saartha
    Giving written by jjd
    To Glow written by krs3332003
    Be Free written by hybridsongwrite
    Break Up written by WriteSomething
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    Life changes in a moment written by Ramneet
    Still Fighting See? written by ForgottenGraves
    In the Mouth of Elysium written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Hopelessly Blind written by ForgottenGraves
    Summer Nights written by ollie_wicked
    To written by SavedDragon
    This written by Chelebel
    In My Head written by faideddarkness
    Trails written by Daniel Barlow
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    It's Night Now written by RisingSon
    Our Cinder Crisis written by SavedDragon
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Unfortunate Reality written by TeslaKoyal
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    One Thing written by Wolfwatching
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon
    Push written by JanePlane
    4th of July written by layDsayD
    A Sonnet for Nina written by SavedDragon
    Hollow Points written by RequiemOfDreams
    Whiteout written by layDsayD




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]