Description: Um, something I wrote after reading "A Game of You" by Neil Gaimen. Ideally, the two poems would face each other on opposite pages (again, I know) but hey, whatcha gonna do?
Dreams of the Son -------------------------------------------
Grass stains on the knees
Of fresh-washed denim jeans
The little boy
Finds his reprieve
In the elbows
Of old oak trees
Where no flitting shadow
Is quite what it seems
There he rests
There he dreams...
He dreams of the man
He will never be
This man will cross
The Caspian Sea
And fight for his king
Against barbarous hordes
He'll save the fair maiden
And give her a ring
By one and all
He'll be adored
In a little boy's dreams
There is no boy
Just the vision
Of what he'll become
Secure in his musing
His arrogance grows
Until he is undone
For the world will swallow
His dreams and leave
Only an old woman's son
Yeah... like wewak said... Ouch. It's nice to build your staircase of dreams, but reality always ends up pushing you back down it. I think I'm one of those people. No, maybe not. lol Okay, I (clearly) don't know.
Anyway, my point is... I love everything about this. The way you describe it is wonderful, and I like the way it rhymed.
I liked a few things about this piece: the lilting 'heroic' type meter you employed, the unusual rhyme scheme and also the assonant rhymes, most noticeable in your first stanza/strophe.
I picked up a few discrepancies... I always look for overall uniformity if there's a general way it's been presented. The last and third to last starts of your lines in your last stanza weren't capitalized, yet the rest were. A minor oversight, but I have to pick up on these things because I'm anal like that and can't help it lol. Actually, I just copied and pasted your poem and realized that it's Elite's weird boundaries screwing with the way your poem is supposed to be displayed. I've only recently started to bookend my poems with lines so that this doesn't happen.
Also, with capping the start of each line I think you could do away with punctuation completely-- maybe keeping the periods at the end of each stanza for that hard pause, but otherwise, why not ditch it?
Here, again I've fiddled:
Grass stains on the knees Of fresh-washed denim jeans The little boy Finds his reprieve In the elbows Of old oak trees Where no flitting shadow Is quite what it seems There he rests There he dreams.
He dreams of the man He will never be This man will cross The Caspian Sea And fight for his king Against barbarous hordes He'll save the fair maiden And give her a ring By one and all He'll be adored.
In a little boy's dreams There is no boy Just the vision Of what he'll become Secure in his musing His arrogance grows each day Until he is undone For the world will swallow His dreams and leave An old woman's son.
In your first two strophes I took out the punctuation and made them both ten-liner stanzas by re-enjambing them. It's in your last one where my fiddling should be a bit more obvious. The last five lines I enjambed slightly differently and I also took out your second instance of "day" that you had-- I find such close proximity of the same word dampens the instance of the second, don't you agree? I also took out "only" as it seemed to disrupt the flow, and it's one of those add-on words that to me should only be used as a rhythmic buffer. Also, that's now ten lines long too.
Of course, these are just suggestions for you to think about and use only if it suits you.
DD, Once again, I think your rhythm could use some work. Especially the line "By one and by all he'll be adored." That line tripps me up. I like the long 'e' sound in the first stanza that ties it all together. Have you considered making the shorter lines longer? Making them couplets instead of quatrains? I think it would give the piece a heroic feel. The little boy striding off into the world. I do, however, like the way you end it and I wouldn't change it. I think, though, if you set the two parts of the poem as much apart stylistically as you can it will make the ending even more pronounced. Those are just my thoughts on the piece. You have this tendency to write in triple feet... dactyls and anapests. IT naturally occurs in your work and I think if you listen to it and use it more you'll find it compliments your style very well... you just need to nurture it.
this is a verry beautiful pice i enjoyed it quite alot to be honest. you are verry talented . i love how you seem to go back decades ago it too me is like how when your young and sit on your grand fathers lap and he tells those 'when i was your age' storywitch i rather enjoy
Ouch, Chris! The end snuck up on me and bit like a scorpion. I liked the sentiments of the first two stanzas, and, although I quite agree with the last one, you could have sugar-coated the pill a bit! LOL Very cynical, makes me wonder if I really should read the daughter? Oh, well...in for a penny...
this one too is very well done. If I had written it I might have used more modern references about what he might fight for but other than that, it shows how we all start out imagining we will become something great and end up being, well, just regular people.