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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Dreams of the Sondots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: DevilDinosaur
    ASL Info:    28/M/MR American
    Elite Ratio:    6.53 - 293/197/46
    Words: 126
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 778
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 859



    Description:
       Um, something I wrote after reading "A Game of You" by Neil Gaimen. Ideally, the two poems would face each other on opposite pages (again, I know) but hey, whatcha gonna do?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDreams of the Sondots
    -------------------------------------------


    Grass stains on the knees
    Of fresh-washed denim jeans
    The little boy
    Finds his reprieve
    In the elbows
    Of old oak trees
    Where no flitting shadow
    Is quite what it seems
    There he rests
    There he dreams...

    He dreams of the man
    He will never be
    This man will cross
    The Caspian Sea
    And fight for his king
    Against barbarous hordes
    He'll save the fair maiden
    And give her a ring
    By one and all
    He'll be adored

    In a little boy's dreams
    There is no boy
    Just the vision
    Of what he'll become
    Secure in his musing
    His arrogance grows
    Until he is undone
    For the world will swallow
    His dreams and leave
    Only an old woman's son




    Submitted on 2005-04-27 05:58:19     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Yeah... like wewak said... Ouch.
    It's nice to build your staircase of dreams, but reality always ends up pushing you back down it.
    I think I'm one of those people. No, maybe not. lol Okay, I (clearly) don't know.

    Anyway, my point is... I love everything about this.
    The way you describe it is wonderful, and I like the way it rhymed.

    I guess I can only give you compliments.

    Very nicely done
    -nikkki
    | Posted on 2006-08-27 00:00:00 | by Liv2LoveThePain | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked a few things about this piece: the lilting 'heroic' type meter you employed, the unusual rhyme scheme and also the assonant rhymes, most noticeable in your first stanza/strophe.

    I picked up a few discrepancies... I always look for overall uniformity if there's a general way it's been presented. The last and third to last starts of your lines in your last stanza weren't capitalized, yet the rest were. A minor oversight, but I have to pick up on these things because I'm anal like that and can't help it lol. Actually, I just copied and pasted your poem and realized that it's Elite's weird boundaries screwing with the way your poem is supposed to be displayed. I've only recently started to bookend my poems with lines so that this doesn't happen.

    Also, with capping the start of each line I think you could do away with punctuation completely-- maybe keeping the periods at the end of each stanza for that hard pause, but otherwise, why not ditch it?

    Here, again I've fiddled:

    Grass stains on the knees
    Of fresh-washed denim jeans
    The little boy
    Finds his reprieve
    In the elbows
    Of old oak trees
    Where no flitting shadow
    Is quite what it seems
    There he rests
    There he dreams.

    He dreams of the man
    He will never be
    This man will cross
    The Caspian Sea
    And fight for his king
    Against barbarous hordes
    He'll save the fair maiden
    And give her a ring
    By one and all
    He'll be adored.

    In a little boy's dreams
    There is no boy
    Just the vision
    Of what he'll become
    Secure in his musing
    His arrogance grows each day
    Until he is undone
    For the world will swallow
    His dreams and leave
    An old woman's son.


    In your first two strophes I took out the punctuation and made them both ten-liner stanzas by re-enjambing them. It's in your last one where my fiddling should be a bit more obvious. The last five lines I enjambed slightly differently and I also took out your second instance of "day" that you had-- I find such close proximity of the same word dampens the instance of the second, don't you agree? I also took out "only" as it seemed to disrupt the flow, and it's one of those add-on words that to me should only be used as a rhythmic buffer. Also, that's now ten lines long too.

    Of course, these are just suggestions for you to think about and use only if it suits you.

    Peace,

    Jase
    | Posted on 2006-07-25 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
      DD, Once again, I think your rhythm could use some work. Especially the line
    "By one and by all he'll be adored."
    That line tripps me up.
    I like the long 'e' sound in the first stanza that ties it all together. Have you considered making the shorter lines longer? Making them couplets instead of quatrains? I think it would give the piece a heroic feel. The little boy striding off into the world. I do, however, like the way you end it and I wouldn't change it. I think, though, if you set the two parts of the poem as much apart stylistically as you can it will make the ending even more pronounced. Those are just my thoughts on the piece.
    You have this tendency to write in triple feet... dactyls and anapests. IT naturally occurs in your work and I think if you listen to it and use it more you'll find it compliments your style very well... you just need to nurture it.
    | Posted on 2006-01-11 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ]
      this is a verry beautiful pice i enjoyed it quite alot to be honest. you are verry talented . i love how you seem to go back decades ago it too me is like how when your young and sit on your grand fathers lap and he tells those 'when i was your age' storywitch i rather enjoy

    much love
    xoxo
    that girl
    | Posted on 2005-12-26 00:00:00 | by sweet sorenity | [ Reply to This ]
      Ouch, Chris! The end snuck up on me and bit like a scorpion. I liked the sentiments of the first two stanzas, and, although I quite agree with the last one, you could have sugar-coated the pill a bit! LOL
    Very cynical, makes me wonder if I really should read the daughter? Oh, well...in for a penny...
    | Posted on 2005-05-02 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      this one too is very well done. If I had written it I might have used more modern references about what he might fight for but other than that, it shows how we all start out imagining we will become something great and end up being, well, just regular people.
    | Posted on 2005-04-27 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    3. How did it make you feel?
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    9. How could it be improved?
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