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    dots Submission Name: The Shaman (partly revised)dots

    Author: melancholymaid
    ASL Info:    24/female/Tennessee
    Elite Ratio:    3.64 - 112/136/34
    Words: 130
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 988
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 792

       I added more to the poem. I still have a vision for it, and want ot write more. Opinions and comments are welcome.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Shaman (partly revised)dots

    A Shaman looks into my face.
    His sapphire eyes are placid, yet fragmented.

    I cannot fathom what his unlimited mind holds for me.
    I want to get inside of him,
    Break him,
    Be broken by him...

    He has the power to lift me up from the damp shadows into the light,
    Past the light.

    His consciousness will diffuse throughout my body,
    Leaving me in flames that will never burn out.

    He will enter into me as if waiting all along to touch me.
    His enchanted hands shall calm me,
    His body send me into a furious tremor.

    Our bodies will rock into decadence.
    And the night's magick will surround us.

    The Shaman will leave me in ecstacy.

    Submitted on 2005-04-27 09:27:36     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      As it is I really enjoyed this write.
    But yes there is a but...I think it could be so much more...so much more powerful.
    As I said the way it is it is good.
    Let me know what you decide.

    | Posted on 2005-05-09 00:00:00 | by armand | [ Reply to This ]
      This piece reminded me of the "Necromancer" and I thought maybe you'd written that as well, but I don't see it on your list, so I must be confusing you with someone else.

    My impression of this piece is it might be stronger with a few snips here and there, and I'll bracket the words I'd edit out for effect, if you don't mind?

    A Shaman looks into my face.
    His sapphire<s> {eyes} are placid, {yet} fragmented.

    I cannot {fathom what} <grasp> his unlimited mind {holds for me}.
    I want to get inside {of him},
    Break him,
    Be broken {by him}...

    He {has the power to} lift<s> me up from the damp shadows into {the} light,
    {Past the light} <beyond the sun?>.

    His consciousness {will diffuse} <suffused> throughout my body,
    Leaving {me in} flames that will never {burn out} <die>.

    That's just an idea of how I'd go after this piece, setting it in real time so the reader experiences it along with you. Setting it into the past tense . . . it loses something.

    Just a few ideas I wanted to share.
    | Posted on 2005-05-03 00:00:00 | by Vancrown | [ Reply to This ]
      I enjoyed this very much. I practice shamanism so the concept hits close to home. What is the experience that you are writing from? Imagined or based on an encounter?

    Here are some thoughts that may help take it further.

    The gaze is powerful but so are the tools. What would your shaman use? Feathers? Stones? Chants? Is there a ceremony for all this? Does he or do you transform into another form? In that form do you adventure somewhere? Can you see his helpers forming a circle around your encounter? How old is he? Is he more than one age at the same time? Most shamans perform dismemberment. In that vision you are destroyed and then made into a new form. Can this shaman take you there?

    Good job. I am anxious to see what you add.
    | Posted on 2005-04-30 00:00:00 | by beatthedrum | [ Reply to This ]
      The shaman is part of you and this writing was a magical tribute to the higher level of consciousness available to all. I enjoyed this and look forward to more! Love, Peace, Joy! Great Day!
    | Posted on 2005-04-27 00:00:00 | by Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]

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