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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Blindsightdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: shockking
    ASL Info:    36/m/MI
    Elite Ratio:    3.9 - 8/11/4
    Words: 119
    Class/Type: Poetry/Nostalgia
    Total Views: 543
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 730



    Description:
       hope you can excuse or enlighten me as to the use of punctuation here. the first two stanzas came out naturally, the last two i had to work to make them appear here. in the title i was thinking "hindsight is 20/20", but couldnt think of how to word it just right.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBlindsightdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I HAVE A BROTHER, name withheld
    who had 5 kids and a wife
    AFTER 13 YEARS, "I'm afraid" she yelled
    "of manners and mind, not a knife!"

    AFTER 13 YEARS, and some odd days
    of seemingly wedded bliss
    I HAVE A BROTHER, who now portrays
    a man with a U.T.I. taking a piss

    IF NOW WAS THEN with eyes awide
    what changes would you make?
    IF SHE was the groom and you the bride
    would you be left holding the cake?

    IF SHE made the money and you made the home
    would the practical love be the same?
    IF NOW WAS THEN, hair enough for a comb
    would your picture still fit the frame?





    Submitted on 2005-04-27 22:38:32     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Your poem has hidden meanings that I really do not understand. Nor do I catch the meaning of the title, or if hindsight 20/20 would be better. Is their regret in your brother's marriage? I feel that the last verse in the second stanza, "a man with a U.T.I. taking a piss" really doesn't work and is a poor metaphor. A man with a (Urinary Track Infection?) taking a piss might be substituted with another pain metaphor that flows better.
    | Posted on 2005-04-28 00:00:00 | by oixi | [ Reply to This ]
      Sometimes, it's best to leave your poem chucked in your drawer or somewhere for a while, before pulling it out again. Then you get to laugh at all the weird phrasing you made, not that your phrasing is weird mind you... Of course, as usual, i do not understand poems written with a message that is so cryptic, but i reckon you did quite well. Interesting choice of capitalising. I dun agree with "zyllion" with the capitalisation being unnecessary, since every part of a poet's piece is quite necessary. It shows the emotinal process you go thru as y're writing that particular part of the poem. Okay, maybe you would go for a clearer poem, and maybe again, i would understand and be able to critique better. bbyez, i really gtg now...

    Sebby
    | Posted on 2005-04-28 00:00:00 | by Sebby | [ Reply to This ]
      This is an interesting piece, with some definite room for improvement. It is definitely clear that the last two verses were forced (as you said in your comments...). However, out of those lines, some of them fit in naturally.
    In verse 3, lines 2 and 4 don't really fit as well as the last word in line 1 that doesn't really fit in.
    In verse 4, lines 2, 3, and 4 don't really seem to fit in with the rest of the piece.

    I find that your title is fine as is. But "20/20 Hindsight" would work as well. Also, just another suggestion as a title might be "What if?" because a lot of your piece is dealing with the what if's of the different situations.

    I find that you've made a lot of interesting choices with regards to capitalization. Is it truly that necessary that you need to capitalize the beginnings of all of the different sets of ideas? I'm not saying that it's bad thing, I'm just saying that the capitalized words might not be the most important thing in the piece, and that the choice of capitalization detracts slightly from the rest of the piece.

    Another thing is that your poem really doesn't feel as though it has an ending. The first two verse are definitely nicely connected. And the second two verses are relatively well connected, but there is no real ending at the end of the fourth verse, and there really isn't anything that ties the first two verses to the second two. Perhaps you may want to consider writing in a less regimented style (more freeverse) so that you are not constrained by your length of lines, rhyme scheme, choice of capitalization, and number of lines in a verse.

    Finally, don't be afraid to only leave the piece at the first two verses. If that's all that has come out naturally, then don't force more out; oftentimes, the forced bit doesn't work well with the rest of the poem (like in this situation)

    Still, you've done some good things with this, and it's a nice beginning.
    | Posted on 2005-04-27 00:00:00 | by zyllion | [ Reply to This ]


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