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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Lovely Slavedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: C. Starr
    ASL Info:    35/yesplz/State of denial
    Elite Ratio:    4.22 - 130/196/68
    Words: 181
    Class/Type: Poetry/Dark
    Total Views: 1054
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1055



    Description:
       Written 2005


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLovely Slavedots
    -------------------------------------------



    In the dark I walk.
    Walk for me...
    The devil speaks.
    Wanna Bleed ?
    Well then, Bleed for me.
    The Beast speaks softly.
    Underneath his breath.
    Caress...Caress me.
    And my little puppets.
    I call earthly beings.
    Sweet, softly.
    He whispers in my ear.
    Dear...Dear, lovely slave.
    You behave.
    As I command you.
    True.
    I am he, root of all Evil.
    But still you yearn...
    To stay awhile,
    In my sin filled temple.
    Wanna Bleed ?
    Well, Bleed for me.
    He speaks.
    Softly, sweet.
    My love it fills the void.
    The void in your soul.
    That place inside.
    Which has always been unruly.
    Cruel.
    Cruel, The Beast.
    As he speaks.
    In the dark,
    He speaks to me.
    You walk the mile.
    You cry, cheat and steal.
    All for me.
    My sweet slave.
    Don't you see ?
    How much you need me.




    Submitted on 2005-04-28 03:35:19     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    1: >_<
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    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      this is not my cup of beer, I actually used to write something similar to this when I was a littlew younger(please dont read more into this) I used the words like you did demon, beast bleed etc and I never really knew where to take it or end it for that matter and it always wound up being some weird piece that just was off the wall ya know? and this seems to kind of go in a direction that isnt my taste(slave) I dont know it just is a little to video-gamish-does that make sense-let me know
    lamemansterms
    | Posted on 2005-05-18 00:00:00 | by LameMansTerms | [ Reply to This ]
      This is so good! You should make it to a song. Dark instrumental and whispery lyrics. It would be so chilling like that. This poem made my blood run cold.
    | Posted on 2005-05-06 00:00:00 | by Kitty | [ Reply to This ]
      the foundation of the poem is clear, I liked the way you wrote it, putting yourself in 'the devils' shoes as well as writing it from your own point of view...temptation is a powerful thing, the reprecussions are not always as wonderful in the end, as they seemed in the beginning...the ending, how you wrote 'my sweet slave...dont you see...how much you need me?' that was a good way to finish up this piece, everything you were trying to say all related to the last few lines...one of your other comments said this was more of a lyrics type post, I mean, it could be, but I dont think so...I also think the pace was good, it all depends on how YOU read it, though, I wonder what your poems sound like, from your point of view, because you write well, though there is always that little bit one cant take from writing, from someone else's writing...all in all, though, I thought this was a good poem, thanks for the heads-up! oh, and yes, about your post, it was that girl I write about, and yes, I hope one day she realizes how much I care for her, though, if it's meant to be, Im sure she will...im patient. Thanks for staying in touch, look forward to hearing from you again...

    TONY
    | Posted on 2005-04-30 00:00:00 | by nwproud | [ Reply to This ]
      The imagery I got from this piece is a devil sitting on your shoulder and whispering in your ear...tempting you trying to control you :)...So much temptation in the world :)...A unique piece with a nice pace to it.
    Bueno!
    STW
    | Posted on 2005-04-28 00:00:00 | by Stwcjj | [ Reply to This ]
      unlike the others i see this more a song a song that a punk rock band would play it seems to move just a bit to fast like total chaos. i found no emotion in it ,i would slow down just a bit and give a more definded character role so people will know whos speaking
    | Posted on 2005-04-28 00:00:00 | by DonKB | [ Reply to This ]
      Read, this one stumbles alittle bit, but when read aloud, I can see what you are trying to say. I agree with babyblue, the many "S" words create an eerie whispery feel to it. The inclusion of the many elipses work sometimes, when what you are trying to say slowly fades, but I think you should take some of the elipses out.

    A spelling error or two, but no big deal. In the line:
    "I am he root of all Evil..."
    I believe you are trying to say "I am the root of all Evil..."
    Just a simple mistake.

    Nothing really wrong with this piece, but some more metaphors and all could help. Overall an interesting read.

    Later
    | Posted on 2005-04-28 00:00:00 | by xeternalshadowx | [ Reply to This ]
      hmmm! I am first to comment.
    Well temptation, or attempt to "buy" a soul...
    I love the repetition of the "S" - not quite alliterations - but they show the whispers more intently.
    I would recommend the use of more imagery though. It is a bit blunt (unless you wanted it that way.) good piece - keep it up.
    | Posted on 2005-04-28 00:00:00 | by babyblue002 | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this, I read it at a fast pace aloud trying to find your emotion behind it and I think I have, it's very deep and angry but almost a blind anger, unkown source, or unknown whether you should be angry at this "Devil" "The root of all evil". I do want to know though, why do you feel such a connection with the devil or feel dependent? I'm curious, I can relate to the line about

    "I am he root of all Evil...
    But still you yearn...
    To stay awhile...
    in my sin filled steeple."

    Because in my life I am christian and I live to serve God, but if I reached complete perfection I would no longer be here I would be in heaven but I often find myself attatched to the world, or "the Devil" oh well I liked you poem cn't wait to hear back.
    -Tom
    | Posted on 2005-04-28 00:00:00 | by UnspokenDreamer | [ Reply to This ]
      this is a chilling piece, girl! Seriously scary. It just brings out how the devil influences the ppl in the world. I should add something here...he is not our greatest enemy. Our flesh is. But what you wrote is true for a lot of ppl, but puppets. The freedom they think they have is but an illusion. They are all boys on strings.

    The read went smoothly. I must say the "..." at the end of the verses plus the use of the "S" (which I noticed after reading the other comments and then rereading your poem) gives the sensation that he is whispering these words into the person's ear, convincing them to bleed, give their life to him. Eerie. I'm glad the Lord rids us of such manipulation. The only thing I have to fear now is my own bodily lusts.

    Can't find anything wrong here, no mistakes. Great work! Thank you for the read, girl! I enjoyed understanding what you wanted to show through this poem. It's a powerful tool. You use it wisely, hehehe!

    ttyl -> Ah, and thanks for taking the time to look through mistress. If it's too much of a burden, I can always just leave it the way it is, no harm done!

    drika
    | Posted on 2005-05-01 00:00:00 | by silverdrika | [ Reply to This ]


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