Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: A MEMORY IN TIMEdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: DonKB
    ASL Info:    34/m/goergia
    Elite Ratio:    3.33 - 19/17/11
    Words: 134
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 882
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 655



    Description:
       I would like for everyone to be honest good or bad !Please give me your vote on this !


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsA MEMORY IN TIMEdots
    -------------------------------------------


    A MEMORY IN TIME

    The days are long and the nights are short,
    But time keeps moving forward never stopping,
    Not even to smell the roses.
    So as I move toward the setting sun,
    I blush and cry with a moment of happiness,
    That dies as fast as it arrives.
    And now the setting sun has fell upon my face,
    And I wonder if the night will bring the joy that the day left behind.
    As the moon rises I find that it is only a mere illusion,
    And all that I fear has returned to find me weeping and crying,
    For now I know that my life is just a memory in time.




    Submitted on 2005-04-28 12:09:00     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I liked this....but i do hear some room for a little revision....it seems to have a lot of depth aand meaning but to me feels a lttle lacking in the flow.....for example you have good flow with the first few lines and then lose it (in my opinion) in the line
    not even to smell the roses.
    then get it back again.. i love the line...
    that dies as fast as it arrives.
    i like the last line as well, but i think weeping & crying is just a bit redundant...i think you could say,, sitting here & crying..maybe. I dunno just a thought.
    anyway...as i said i like this but think it would be even better with just a little tinkering.

    CC
    | Posted on 2005-04-30 00:00:00 | by C. Starr | [ Reply to This ]
      wow i love this, you do use a good use of words, i liked "and now the setting sun has fell upon my face" its very creative, thanx for sharing x x x x
    | Posted on 2005-04-28 00:00:00 | by secret kisses | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    56559

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Ciggarettes written by Poetic_tragedy6
    Compartments written by TheStillSilence
    Hyle written by endlessgame23
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    Mystery Read written by kyserin
    Deep written by Janesaddiction
    The Poems Death written by Mepoduo
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Relentless. The Visceral Fracture. written by Daniel Barlow
    Adoration written by TheStillSilence
    Meaningless Meanings written by ForgottenGraves
    Live In Between written by teika5
    Reliquary of Writ written by HisNameIsNoMore
    The Want written by Daniel Barlow
    A Worsening Effect written by Daniel Barlow
    The Abyss of Love written by poetotoe
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    Beauty Rest written by jackz
    A Sense Of Things written by Daniel Barlow
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    Night- time written by Daniel Barlow
    Gaia written by endlessgame23
    Not the Devil, but the Wind written by endlessgame23
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    Untitled written by Daniel Barlow
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    The World written by jjd
    Loop-di-Loop written by endlessgame23

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry