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    dots Submission Name: A MEMORY IN TIMEdots

    Author: DonKB
    ASL Info:    34/m/goergia
    Elite Ratio:    3.33 - 19/17/11
    Words: 134
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 925
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 655

       I would like for everyone to be honest good or bad !Please give me your vote on this !

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    dotsA MEMORY IN TIMEdots


    The days are long and the nights are short,
    But time keeps moving forward never stopping,
    Not even to smell the roses.
    So as I move toward the setting sun,
    I blush and cry with a moment of happiness,
    That dies as fast as it arrives.
    And now the setting sun has fell upon my face,
    And I wonder if the night will bring the joy that the day left behind.
    As the moon rises I find that it is only a mere illusion,
    And all that I fear has returned to find me weeping and crying,
    For now I know that my life is just a memory in time.

    Submitted on 2005-04-28 12:09:00     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I liked this....but i do hear some room for a little revision....it seems to have a lot of depth aand meaning but to me feels a lttle lacking in the flow.....for example you have good flow with the first few lines and then lose it (in my opinion) in the line
    not even to smell the roses.
    then get it back again.. i love the line...
    that dies as fast as it arrives.
    i like the last line as well, but i think weeping & crying is just a bit redundant...i think you could say,, sitting here & crying..maybe. I dunno just a thought.
    anyway...as i said i like this but think it would be even better with just a little tinkering.

    | Posted on 2005-04-30 00:00:00 | by C. Starr | [ Reply to This ]
      wow i love this, you do use a good use of words, i liked "and now the setting sun has fell upon my face" its very creative, thanx for sharing x x x x
    | Posted on 2005-04-28 00:00:00 | by secret kisses | [ Reply to This ]

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