Tread on me by marysunshine

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Submission Name: Tread on me dots

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Author:	marysunshine
ASL Info:	30, Female,
Elite Ratio:	4.48 - 610/705/75
Words:	228

Class/Type:	Poetry/Depressed
Total Views:	375
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1474

Description:
This was written in a fit of self-pity and I guess what would be called depression...(a while ago) It's all metaphor pretty much, so there are no wrong conclusions.

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Tread on me dots

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Tread on me with a hard-soled boot,
most harshly like nailing into steel beams.
As a roadkilled critter that bakes in the sun,
I'll lie for the whip-smacks and crunches.
Perhaps I'll feel it...but most likely not.

Energy transformed to decay.
The teeth of apathy chomp to disarray.

I'll sail to a beached hideout,
where I can camouflage my naked shame
with the fact that nobody lurks there.
I'll wait for unwelcome discovery-
Spend my days paranoid for sneak-arrivals.

Carving hashes on the skin of a tree.
Marking time paralized. Stalked by the sea.

Crying can heal, but the wetness dries quick,
like rubbing alcohol to the wounded.
Let's get cathartic, and play religion for a minute.
To the God of our pain, I say "Hail!"
Numb like cocaine...a ride to the deep.

Snap! It all matters as much as last Tuesday.
That piece due for lobotomy has nothing much to say.

And smile dear angel. Go to church. Go to bed.
The freak show inside is asleep with the weed.
Now dream of ambition, and love, sex, and parties.
The weapon has ammunition to smash any prowlers.
Slide a smile to the crazy story on your face.

And the boot can lay off me tonight.
Fuck those nightmarish truths from my sight.

Submitted on 2005-04-28 14:45:12 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  This reminds me of Sylvia Plath. I agree that this is a departure for you, but this is very cool.

Crying can heal, but the wetness dries quick,
like rubbing alcohol to the wounded.
Let's get cathartic, and play religion for a minute.
To the God of our pain, I say "Hail!"
Numb like cocaine...a ride to the deep.

Seriously, I imagined the pain of crying rubbing alcohol for a moment as I read that. "a ride to the deep" is interesting because it makes me think of sleep, hell, and the core of a soul at once.

Snap! It all matters as much as last Tuesday.
That piece due for lobotomy has nothing much to say.

And smile dear angel. Go to church. Go to bed.
The freak show inside is asleep with the weed.
Now dream of ambition, and love, sex, and parties.
The weapon has ammunition to smash any prowlers.
Slide a smile to the crazy story on your face

Any mention of lobotomies makes me think of Frances (the movie about Frances Farmer), The Ramones, and One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest simultaneously. I love how morbidly over the top this is. I guess that's what makes me think of Sylvia (The boot image has something to do with it too).
| Posted on 2005-04-30 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
  Mary, this is a difficult poem to commenton, because the subject uis an uncomfortable one. Most people want other people to be happy and we don't cope well with depressed people, because we would like to help, but know that "Snap out of it!" won't work. There is much of this poem I like, mostly on the level of the imagery. The sound of the poem (assonance, alliteration, onomatopoeia etc.) I feel needs some more work. I sort of sense a sound-picture trying to emerge, but not quite there. For example the word "quick" is a line too far away from an internal rhyme with "cathartic", the archaic "thee" feels forced to rhyme with "tree", the lobotomy line is way too long.
The little side trip to a coral isle works well - you take us there with your imagery (loved your novel use of the computer-age word "hash" for the date lines on the date palm). Your direct suggestion to your reader of "Let's get religious for a moment" doesn't work as well, as it depends on logic and not on imagery and for some of us, the word "religious" is seriously off-putting. This is a hard poem in many senses of the word and perhaps the hardness of frank sex and drugs is appropriate to your subject matter. It's a bit too hard for an old romantic like me to read easily. Your poem has interested me and disturbed me. thanks for the experience.
| Posted on 2005-04-28 00:00:00 | by hanuman | [ Reply to This ]
  I like this. The Way you were talkin in the beginning really made me smile. Sublte use of the language that was cool. Like 'most harshly' or 'critter' Who says that? It gives some feel, i don't kno wot is called tho. That 'beached' hideout is the same. It seems to take on a decidedly sexual tone halfway through. As tho ur gonna [censored] away the pain with the nearest capable hand. The wetness dries quickly, and last tuesday, and of course the last line, which is explicit. All in all I like it.
shard
| Posted on 2005-04-28 00:00:00 | by particularshard | [ Reply to This ]
  this really touches my soul when you write i'll sail outto a beach hide out it conveys to me the felling i get some thimes just to be alone then later you writethe freak show is asleep with the weed it conjoins me in the battle i have had with things in my life that i've tryed to let go of
| Posted on 2005-04-28 00:00:00 | by DonKB | [ Reply to This ]
  Finally, I have arrived just in time to be the first to read and comment! Woohoo! Let me save my spot and come back with an edit!

Okay, I'm back. Let me just say . . .

Oh, wow! This poem has teeth. And there's something sexual here, punctuated neatly with your last line which made me want to spank my own naked ass, hahahaa. Sorry, for that. My favorite line is probably the shouted:

"To the God of our pain, I say "Hail!""

Which I heard as the response in LOTR-ROTK "Hail the victorious dead!" and the roaring cry of "HAIL!" Such is the mind . . . to make these associations.

Now, there's something different here, something raw and almost . . . dirty. I'm not trying to be a creep here, but this is like seeing you in your virginal whites all summer, then one day I come home from work and you're wearing black leather, spiked boots, and holding a bottle of vodka in each hand, saying "wanna party?"

Hell yeah!

A nice departure for you, really. And a whole new dimension to your work. Since this is new I imagine you'll be tweaking it and so I'll leave off the nitpicking, though at first blush I don't see a whole lot to complain about. This is groovy, Mary.

And it has some serious-ass teeth!
| Posted on 2005-04-28 00:00:00 | by Vancrown | [ Reply to This ]

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