Description: Dedicated to Dani Filth, my inspiration
Imposed on Disbelief -------------------------------------------
Stars spattered on silken skies
Heaven fell dismembered in a tragic wreck
Outpoured shame brewed with shrill cries
Where Seraphim lay with wrangled necks
Skimming lies with poisoned faith
That clement poised with hollow worth
Like beauty in a disfigured wraith
Was this Your promised Heaven on Earth?
I find my preference when, banished from above,
Entangled in his arms, his lips pressed on mine
Illusioned in dreams fed from a gothic love
We found comfort in Death's pantomime
We ran under the pencil-scribbled stars
Ignorant of everything but our sweet damnation
Beneath the failure of God's ongoing seminars
That once intended for unfettered dictation
We knew of our reserved thrones in this supposed Hell
But we cared not if we scorched at exceeding fahrenheit
Because to us Christmas was just another day, dispelled,
And salvation a mere trick of light
whoa, i'm shocked, dissapointed, impressed and feeling very at home, all at the same time. first of all, the shock: its like living in the sahara all your life and then moving to niagra falls. what i've read of your work was good, but simple enough for me to understand and critique in one go. but this and Evanescent by the Sea have me completely reeling. this brings me to my dissapointment: i cannot believe that you are only 13. i'm 14 and i thought i was pretty good... but when i see work like this is makes me doubt my own talent. so congratulations, very few things make me do that. of course, i am impressed by your diction- but also by your level of maturity in comparison to your age. i know many second-year university english students (my father in an english instructor) that couldnt come up with something this deep. finally, i feel at home because the 'characters' in this poem are much like me... i'm probably going to 'hell', but i really dont care because i don't believe in hell or God or any of that stuff. i dont mean that to offend anyone, its simply the truth. anyway, your talent is frightening and astounding. and if i can interject my emo extention of a pathetic handshake -- you're rad, i'm rad.... let's be friends.
After reading your journal entry, and seeing how young you are, I didn't expect to find much here, I'll be honest with you. I'll be honest with you because I want you to understand how completely that knocked my socks off. It's wonderful. You have absolutely no reason to doubt your skill and worth while you're writing like that at thirteen. This is honestly one of the best poems I've read in a long, long time. It oozes out these wonderful words and metaphors, all this beautiful language . . . It's really 'Sit back and catch your breath' amazing. Be proud of yourself. You deserve it. Let me pick out a few highlights for you, these are lines that I really, REALLY loved and made me sit back and thing 'Shit, I WISH I'd thought of that, I really do', and to hear that from a 23 year old Creative Writing graduate should make you really proud of yourself. Anyway:
"Stars spattered on silken skies" First line, and right away it hits you around the face and makes you pay attention. Such a wonderful metaphor and so well placed to make the reader open up their eyes and really read everything that comes after it.
"Where Seraphim lay with wrangled necks" Just the word 'wrangled' there. It's wonderful. It's such a rich, descriptive word, and so well used here.
"We ran under the pencil-scribbled stars" Another really wonderful line, and it echoes the first one, reminding the reader of the start of the poem and at the same time bringing new elements into it.
"And salvation a mere trick of light" That last line really hits you around the face again and makes you pay attention. For any readers that are just skimming through it and who's minds have wandered off by this point, that drags them back again, and, I think, will make them go back and read it through again more seriously.
You have capital letters in all the right places. That may sound like a stupid thing to mention, but you'd be surprised how many people leave them off, or don't capitalise the word/letter 'I', you have here, and that means people will read your work credibly, with enough respect for you as a writer to really sit down and enjoy the poem.
I have a few suggestions I'd make, but they're mainly very small points against a pretty amazing work you have here. The first thing I'd say is that you need to go away and take all the line breaks out of this. Write it down on the page as prose, then put all the commas, periods etc that it needs in there without paying any attention to where the ends of the lines are. Then break it up into the lines again. Putting punctuation in the proper places is incredibly important in poetry, it controls the whole way your reader reads something, it controls what they emphasise, what they pick up one, and how they read a certain line. Every full stop and every comma is as important as ever word and every capital letter, because, let's face it, poetry is about music. It's art. It's all about the flow of the words and painting music in plain speech, and for that, your commas and your full stops are you tune. You wouldn't try to sing a song without a tune, would you? So try not to write poetry without punctuation. The other thing I'd say is that, while there is absolutely nothing wrong with the rhyming in this poem, from what I've read in your journal, you write in rhyme a lot, and are having issues with it. I personally would suggest going away and finding yourself someone who writes really amazing non-rhyming poetry, try 'Darkness' by Lord Byron, I think it's your kind of thing. Anyway, go away and read it out loud, see how he does it. The reason I suggest it is because the metering in Byron's work is pretty breathtaking, and, while it's about the only reason that the rhyming in this poem works so well, you don't have any metering here. And that's fine, but assiming that you don't normally write any of your poems metered, sooner or later you're going to want to learn how to do it. Anyway, I hope all this has helped. Let me know if there's anything else I can do for you :)
WOW this is very very impressive...this is right along the lines of Cradle of Filth's work, and Dani Filth is like my idle! anyways...The imagery used in this piece is amazing, making my dark stuff seem like nothing.
"Stars spattered on silken skies Heaven fell dismembered in a tragic wreck Outpoured shame brewed with shrill cries Where Seraphim lay with wrangled necks"
That stanza literally made me jump in my seat. The imagery is incredible, and it drags you in screaming. The poem becomes more and more darker as it goes along, up to the last line of the poem, which really makes it shine.
"Because to us Christmas was just another day, dispelled, And salvation a mere trick of light"
Incredible, really...the perfect ending to a tale of horror. The language used in this piece is top notch, while it is both impressive and mystifying. This reminded me so much of Cradle of Filth, that as soon as I was done reading it I started listening to my Midian CD lol. Honestly, have you considered making this into a song? I think it would be amazing as a song. I actually got my inspiration for my one song Sea of Black Dawn from Cradle of Filth's Cthulhu Dawn<-Awesome song...I wonder where the inspiration came from other than your love for Dani Filth.
I could go on and on about the strength of your writing and the amazing image you have given the readers, but I think I have said enough for now lol.
Truly amazing work p.s. I think I have to work alittle bit on my darker songs lol..I think I got some inspiration again.
WOW! this is a real kick in the teeth... its amazing... the imagery you have used is breath taking and i find myself sucked into the write and running along with it and then SMACK! salvation is just a lighting illusion... dude...! thing about this is that it is completely oposite to what i believe but you have writen it so amazing. the sarcasm that comes through throwing stones at the church and supposed religious structures and all is well crafted
Beneath the failure of God's ongoing seminars That once intended for unfettered dictation
this part especially... theres something about the way you put this that i spose highlights the inneffectiveness of the church and their means of communicating the gospel message... it seems like one big irrelevant lecture that no one listens to anymore...
your imagery is spectacular... especially in the opening stanza... it drew me in and i was captivated. brilliant write!
Amazing! Right from the first line, I knew I was going to like this poem: "Stars spattered on silken skies". Rather than saying something lame like "stars glisten/ shine, etc.", they're spattered. Very fitting, seeing as the poem unfolds to be a diatribe against organized religion- that the "Creator" just did a slapdash, uncaring job and forgot about everything. Which leads to the next line: "Heaven fell dismembered in a tragic wreck". Wow! I don't even know what to say, but great! Dismembered is a good word to use there. "Outpoured shame brewed with shrill cries/ Where Seraphim lay with wrangled necks" the imagery here is crazy! Seraphim are angels, right? This poem is like an apocalypse, with the fall of the Church or whatever. Which leads to the church, full of politics, lies and hypocrisy. "Skimming lies with poisoned faith..." Then the speaker chooses an 'unholy' love over the restrictions of religion. My only qualm is, what does this line mean: "We found comfort in Death's pantomime"? But the crowning glory of your poem is the last line! "Because to us Christmas was just another day, dispelled/ And salvation a mere trick of light". That's amazing! You have such a firm grasp on language and diction, and your rhyming and meter are perfect, and that last line is like an ironic punch in the gut! WOOW! Good job!