Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Strapped by Salvationdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Stwcjj
    ASL Info:    27/m/ny
    Elite Ratio:    5.69 - 327/149/13
    Words: 147
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1141
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1256



    Description:
       Darkside Switch <off> [on]
    [ON]

    Your Truth Travels through Whispering Walls....

    Aunt Beth:
    "Yes? Oh, hi Ruth how are you?.....Yeah?
    Oh, THAT, so I guess everyone's heard by now?
    Yeah....uh huh.......
    No, I have no idea how he can handle all this....
    Yeah.....uh huh.......
    Well, we'll probably be locking him up soon <LAUGH>
    mmmm hmmmm......
    We'll have to buy that plot next to the others before long".........................................


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsStrapped by Salvationdots
    -------------------------------------------


    You held me.
    Blanketed me through a calloused winter.
    Preserved me
    As I sank.
    Drowning in an ocean of self inflicted death.
    Dominoes falling one by one.
    Then just me. Standing on the ledge.............


    But the sun rose.
    Spawning spring's renewal.
    Learning love
    Our passion permeated,
    Outlasted pain.
    Bonding, blooming
    to our minds eternity.

    To summers searing heat,
    you blanketed me still.
    Held hands turned to talons.
    You couldn't cope with the man I'd become.
    Our faded flame.
    My savior
    with nothing left to save.

    And then,
    autumn approached
    handing me your fatal fall.



    Running water.
    Opened door.
    revealing
    to me
    ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
    ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,


    crisscrossed cuts meandering
    to a crimson pool.
    My heart stopped, my eyes spilled.
    Praying
    My staggered soul
    Would somehow resurrect You.
    my savior.

    You saved me.

    But I couldn't save you.




    Submitted on 2005-04-28 15:55:07     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      this was impressive, really and I don't say that too often but then again who am I? Anyway this really was good, my fav part was this
    To summers searing heat,
    you blanketed me still.
    Held hands turned to talons.
    You couldn't cope with the man I'd become.
    Our faded flame.
    My savior
    with nothing left to save.

    this was one of those writes that you read and go man,, I wish I wrote that...nice job
    lt
    | Posted on 2005-07-11 00:00:00 | by LameMansTerms | [ Reply to This ]
      I too, am hoping this is fiction and not personal. It's such a compelling write. Sad and surreal. Maybe it was just a dream.. a nightmare of sorts. Or given that first line in your description..it could have been a neighbor.
    At any rate, this held me.
    Here are some lines that stand out as great to me (along with all others)...

    "Blanketed me through a calloused winter."
    "Drowning in an ocean of self inflicted death."
    "Dominoes falling one by one"
    "autumn approached, handing me your fatal fall."

    A deeply written piece that holds the reader.

    Take Care!
    ~Sandra
    | Posted on 2005-05-11 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ]
      my god..that hit me hard.....this is amazing...powerful.. i like the way you lead the reader through everything....from the description on....
    anyway...nothing needs to be changed, it's great..... i swear i'm gonna stalk you soon.. better go put on something sexy.....


    I'm scared to ask if this is true or not ?

    CC
    | Posted on 2005-05-09 00:00:00 | by C. Starr | [ Reply to This ]
      wow. that was really wonderful even though it was terribly sad. but then, that's sometimes the best poetry. it's terrible to find out that you can't save someone else even though you want to with all your heart. I have a sister who has been hell bent on destroying herself her entire life and she may not be with us much longer. (see St. Augustine poem). she has lupus and hepatitis C. been a drug user and alcoholic most of her life. she is 5 years younger than me but looks 10 years older at least. if this poem is about someone you have known, you have my deepest sympathy and I commend you for putting it down in words. it's a fantastic piece of work.
    | Posted on 2005-05-07 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]
      "To summers searing heat,
    you blanketed me still.
    Held hands turned to talons.
    You couldn't cope with the man I'd become.
    Our faded flame.
    My savior
    with nothing left to save." That was awesome! I liked this style and how it had many a space for reflection & pause...plus "i" liked the ,,, you know me - gotta love symbolism!
    Thanks for sharing this piece!
    Love, Peace, Joy & dancing pink bunnies!
    | Posted on 2005-05-03 00:00:00 | by Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      Whoa. I suprisingly liked this. Not to say that I wouldn't but I usually don't like pieces about death and blood and dying and cutting like this. I enjoyed this because you had something for everyone. The middle stanzas are really great and cheery then sort of die off into the same idea as you began with. This is a really sad piece if you think about it. Someone saves you but you can't save them. I think you did a great job with this because you did add transition to it. Also because you didn't have too much blood and nasty stuff in here. That seems to be a turn off to many people on this site. Great job. I really liked it. :)
    -blt
    | Posted on 2005-04-30 00:00:00 | by borderlinetears | [ Reply to This ]
      I really don't know how to critique this, it's very strangely appealing, but I was a bit disappointed by the ending, I just hope it wasn't personal.
    Very well thought out, the story flows along nicely, and your use of the seasons is good, too. It's just the end, maybe a less-graphic description would fit the rest of the poem better, if you meant to shock, you certainly do, creating an almost wistful mood and then hitting the reader over the head with the blood-soaked bathroom tiles.
    Strangely good, well done, I'm still thoughtful over this...

    Be Happy
    Graeme
    | Posted on 2005-04-28 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      As some of the others posted below, this is an incredibly sad piece. It's also very approachable. What is it about super, ultra, rip your heart out poetry that makes us want to read more?

    "My heart stopped, my eyes spilled.
    Praying
    My staggered soul
    Would somehow resurrect You.
    my savior."

    This hit me hard, reminding me of a lot of Rachel's (nebnim) work.

    Very nicely done,
    Steve
    | Posted on 2005-06-05 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]
      *sniffle* This was beautiful. Part of me wants to laugh, and part of me wants to cry. You evoked something very deep in me, I could describe it perfectly, but I won't.

    "You saved me
    But I couldn't save you."

    Such a simple twist of words, and it feels as if my heart is going to beat out of my chest. I don't know what else to say, except this was incredible. Be well
    ~Rachel~
    | Posted on 2005-06-07 00:00:00 | by nebnim | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    56592

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry