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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Lostdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: elephantasia
    ASL Info:    37/F/UK
    Elite Ratio:    3.54 - 398/490/160
    Words: 74
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 655
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 488



    Description:
       Inspired by counselling session tonight where i am a trainerr counsellor


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLostdots
    -------------------------------------------


    My thoughts are surreptitiously vague today,
    Fogged by fatigue, lost in the mists of memories.
    I dizzy myself down into a dungeon of dankness,
    Where tears puddle my muddled muddied musings.

    I am amazed at this maze I wander in, wondering.
    Like a created creature slipping, slithering, I live within,
    Circles within circles within circles, I re-run and run away.
    Hedge your bets on the outcome, will I ever come out?





    Submitted on 2005-04-28 16:06:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    1: >_<
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    ||| Comments |||
      Well, this is full of alliteration: "Fogged by fatigue," and "mists of memories" are nice alliterative phrases. I love how you play with sounds in "Where tears puddle my muddled muddied musings" and "amazed at this maze." Trust me, I know this feeling. I hope you feel better. I hate to think that other people feel this way too.
    | Posted on 2005-04-29 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      I found this to be very distracting. I think you are trying too hard. I agree with wewak11 that your ideas are good and your message is powerful, but you've diluted it by trying to sound clever. Take your writing to another level.
    | Posted on 2005-04-28 00:00:00 | by tripsonme23 | [ Reply to This ]
      I think your deep thoughts behind this are clouded somewhat by the over-use of aliteration and cleverness.
    Your message is powerful enough to stand on its own without the help of clever stuff.
    Not my cup of tea, sorry,
    Be Happy
    Graeme
    | Posted on 2005-04-28 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      Again it seems too me that the endings have been working for me in the last two I have read before yours. And I have to say, if I may, that yours is the same why. Sorry forgive me on that. But honest, I did get 'lost' in your intro, so if that helps.
    | Posted on 2005-04-28 00:00:00 | by childs | [ Reply to This ]


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