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A song1

Author: Malcolm Bishop
Elite Ratio:    2.09 - 355 /189 /39
Words: 235
Class/Type: Misc /Misc
Total Views: 1044
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1087


music...the best companion. Came home, thought I'd try my hand at a song. It isn't finished...maybe it is.

A song1

For as long as I live, for as long as the days die,
I will never be as whole as when your eyes met mine.
I get through the day on a wing and a prayer,
knowing when I get home, you won't be there.
My idiot pride got in the way, you knew...
I knew, you could not stay.
My life is as tangled as the days before you came,
I am to blame...I am to blame.

chorus: When the sun comes out, and warms my bed,
I am alone...your nearness gone, I stare at
the phone.

With every blink of my eyes and beat of my heart,
I miss you...a puzzle knocked off a table, I am falling apart.
I love you, now and after my last breath,
running from this pain is like fooling death.
Since you left, I am not the same,
I am to blame...I am to blame.

Chorus: When the sun comes out and warms my bed,
I am alone...your nearness gone, I stare at the

Submitted on 2005-04-29 04:08:32     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  wow, this is good, I mean you could sing it softly or you can rap it, it is touching. Good amount of detail, It enfolds in the reader. Its story should have an ending to go with the vivid kind of inferred detail. Like i don't know say like something good happened or something bad at the end, so we can relate to it.
| Posted on 2005-05-15 00:00:00 | by Lauren Guzman | [ Reply to This ]
  It's sort of catchy. A simple, rueful song of regret.
6th line, a "u" should be added to spell could instead of cold (a typing error I'm sure).
2nd stanza, 2nd line.. maybe it should be "like" a puzzle knocked off a table (?) to make it read better.
I think with a little work, this would make a nice song.
| Posted on 2005-04-29 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ]
  I like this, it shows true regret for your mistakes... whether real or imagined. I don't see where you could make any changes, however it feels like there needs to be a little bit more detail, or even more altogether. I'm not really good when it comes to music... so my opinion here is just that... an opinion.

Hope I helped at least a little bit.

| Posted on 2005-04-29 00:00:00 | by Unicorn Poet | [ Reply to This ]

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